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Miranda: Well, what do you think of him? Fletcher: He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking. [a moment passes and Mr. Allen starts laughing. The other board members follow his lead and start laughing also] Mr. Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast. Do Simmons. Fletcher: Simmons is old. He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife. You've met her at the Christmas parties, she's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard, and you, Tom; you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen. You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins. Mr. Allen: [roaring with laughter] Priceless! [Fletcher continues with every member] Fletcher: You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! *Slut*! Mr. Allen: I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence! Fletcher: Good! I'll see you later, dick-head! (Ace Goodman) Judge: Who did this? Fletcher: A mad man, your honor, a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope. Judge: What did he look like? Fletcher: About 6'2", 180lbs. big teeth, kinda gangly. (Ace Goodman) Fletcher: Oh, come on! Your honor, how can it be proved that the male voice on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself? Samantha: [voice on tape] You are such a better lover than my husband! (Ace Goodman) Fletcher: Well, that's because you've got big jugs. I mean your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeeze 'em. Mama! [puckers up] (Ace Goodman) | |
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Dana: Fine, thank you. Judge Stevens: And how about you, Mr. Reede? Fletcher: I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night. [Shocked pause] Judge Stevens: Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business? (Ace Goodman) Max Reede: Mom? Dad? [Audrey and Fletcher are kissing] Fletcher: MAX? Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again? Max Reede: No. I wished for rollerblades! Audrey: Uh... wanna cut the cake... Dad? Fletcher: I would love to... but I have this horrible pain in my arm... Audrey: Oh no... run ITS THE CLAW! Fletcher: NOTHING CAN STOP THE CLAWWWW! (Ace Goodman) Judge Stevens: Order! Order! ORDER! Fletcher: [to crowd] Knock it off! Judge Stevens: SIT DOWN! (Ace Goodman) Fletcher: [listens for a moment] Because I didn't want to talk to you! [pauses, listening] Fletcher: Because you insist on talking about Dad's bowel movements; size, color, frequency, I"LL CALL YA LATER! (Ace Goodman) Judge: Can't it wait? Fletcher: Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused! Judge: Is that true? Fletcher: It has to be! Judge: In that case I'd better take a quick break myself. (Ace Goodman) Fletcher: Wow! That was a nice image... [makes typing noise] Fletcher: *Deleted*! (Ace Goodman) Fletcher: [to Audrey] He struck the child, did you see that? (Ace Goodman) Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on, but you better get to the point, and quick! (Ace Goodman) Fletcher: No, sir! We are NOT ready to begin, because my client has not arrived! [Samantha and children enter] Samantha: [to children] Hurry up! Move it! Fletcher: [singing] Here she comes to wreck the daaaay! Judge Stevens: MISTER Reede! Fletcher: Sorry, Your Honor! (Ace Goodman) [yells] Fletcher: Wake up, sisters! There is nooooooo such thing as a weaker sex! (Ace Goodman) Fletcher: Your cholesterol, fatty! (Ace Goodman) [monotonous] Fletcher: I'm getting what I deserve. I'm reaping what I sow. I'm... [covers his own mouth] (Ace Goodman) Audrey: No - I divorced you because I was mad at you. (Ace Goodman) [Makes gobbling noises while pushing himself against the table] Kenneth Falk: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! IT'S TRUE! I humped her brains out! There, ya happy? Fletcher: No further questions... (Ace Goodman) Fletcher: [high-pitched voice] Garage sale six-fifty marked down from ten. [Greta drops picture frame and smashes] (Ace Goodman) Audrey: Yes, that's one of his best qualities. Fletcher: Yeah, but he's kind of, magoo... I'm sorry. Audrey: You're wrong! I mean, sometimes, maybe yes, he is a litte bit... Fletcher: Magoo! Audrey: Yes. (Ace Goodman) [to Greta] Fletcher: GRETA please LIE to him for me! Greta: I remember when you bought me this antique silver fram from tiffany's... TIFFANY'S? Fletcher: [in a high pitched voice] ... Garage sale $6.50 marked down from $10.00!" (Ace Goodman) Fletcher: [mockingly] Wanna play hard ball? I'm game. (Ace Goodman) Samantha: [looks at paper] Yes. Fletcher: It says you are blonde, are you? Samantha: [sighs] Fletcher: If you don't remember, perhaps Mr. Faulk will. Samantha: Brunette. Fletcher: We can play the tape again maybe it's on there. Samantha: [shouts] I'm a brunette! Fletcher: Thank you. Now let's see, weight 105? Yeah, in your bra. Dana: Your honor, I object. Fletcher: You would. Dana: BASTARD! Fletcher: HAG! Judge Stevens: QUIET! Overruled. [points to Samantha] Judge Stevens: Weight? Samantha: 118. Fletcher: [questions] Samantha: Alright fine, fine, I'm 127. Fletcher: Uh huh, and it says here you were born in 1964, but that's not true either is it? [shouts] Fletcher: IS IT! Samantha: No. Fletcher: Will you please tell me what it says here on your birth certificate under date of birth. Dana: Your honor, I object, what does this have to do with anything. Judge Stevens: Overruled. Mrs. Cole answer the question. Samantha: [sighs] 1965. Fletcher: Now let me get this straight. That would mean that you lied about your age to make yourself older. But why would any woman wanna do that! Samantha: I changed it so I could get married. (Ace Goodman) | |
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