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Sally Albright: Is one of us supposed to be a DOG in this scenario? Harry Burns: Yes. Sally Albright: Who is the dog? Harry Burns: You are. Sally Albright: I am? I am the dog? I am the dog? (Ace Goodman) Sally Albright: So you are saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? Harry Burns: No, you pretty much want to nail them too. (Ace Goodman) | |
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Harry Burns: Oh really? Well, that "symptom" is fucking my wife. (Ace Goodman) Harry Burns: That's what drew her to me. Sally Albright: Your dark side? Harry Burns: Sure. Why? Don't you have a dark side? I know, you're probably one of those cheerful people who dot their "i's" with little hearts. Sally Albright: I have just as much of a dark side as the next person. Harry Burns: Oh, really? When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side. (Ace Goodman) Sally Albright: I'm not going to tell you that. Harry Burns: Fine, don't tell me. Sally Albright: Shel Gordon. Harry Burns: Shel? Sheldon? No, no, you did not have great sex with Sheldon. Sally Albright: I did too. Harry Burns: No you didn't. A Sheldon can do your income taxes, if you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man... but humpin' and pumpin' is not Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name. 'Do it to me Sheldon, you're an animal Sheldon, ride me big Shel-don.' Doesn't work. (Ace Goodman) Harry Burns: Well, they haven't faked it with me. Sally Albright: How do you know? Harry Burns: Because I know. Sally Albright: Oh. Right. Thats right. I forgot. Youre a man. Harry Burns: What was that supposed to mean? Sally Albright: Nothing. Its just that all men are sure it never happened to them and all women at one time or other have done it so you do the math. (Ace Goodman) Sally Albright: Which one am I? Harry Burns: You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance. (Ace Goodman) Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends. Harry Burns: When did I say that? Sally Albright: On the ride to New York. Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends. (Ace Goodman) Sally Albright: Why? Harry Burns: Because eventually things move on and you don't take someone to the airport and I never wanted anyone to say to me, How come you never take me to the airport anymore? Sally Albright: Its amazing. You look like a normal person but actually you are the angel of death. (Ace Goodman) Sally Albright: Harry, you might not believe this, but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice. (Ace Goodman) Sally: I know he's never going to leave her. Marie: You're right, you're right. I know you're right. (Ace Goodman) Sally Albright: Why not? Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. Harry Burns: No you don't. Sally Albright: Yes I do. Harry Burns: No you don't. Sally Albright: Yes I do. Harry Burns: You only think you do. Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you. Sally Albright: They do not. Harry Burns: Do too. Sally Albright: They do not. Harry Burns: Do too. Sally Albright: How do you know? Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too. Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU? Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. Harry Burns: I guess not. Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York. (Ace Goodman) Harry Burns: Oh, but "baby fish mouth" is sweeping the nation? I hear them talking. (Ace Goodman) Marie: I don't think so. Sally Albright: Is he seeing anybody? Marie: He was seeing this anthropologist, but... Sally Albright: What's she look like? Marie: Thin. Pretty. Big tits. Your basic nightmare. (Ace Goodman) Marie: Harry. Harry Burns: Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. 'Cause someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale COFFEE TABLE. Jess: I thought you liked it? Harry Burns: I was being nice. (Ace Goodman) Harry Burns: Ehhhh. I'm sorry. I need the judges ruling on this. "Days of the weeks underpants"? Sally Albright: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me. Harry Burns: What? Sally Albright: They don't make Sunday. Harry Burns: Why not? Sally Albright: Because of God. (Ace Goodman) Harry Burns: Yeah. But of course when I asked where she was when Kennedy was shot she said, "Ted Kennedy was shot?" Jess: No. (Ace Goodman) Harry Burns: You only had one date. How do you know it's not going to get worse? Sally Albright: How much worse can it get than finishing dinner, having him reach over, pull a hair out of my head and start flossing with it at the table? Harry Burns: We're talking dream date compared to my horror. (Ace Goodman) | |
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