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  • Dr. Fritz Fassbender: I am a doctor of the mind.
    Victor Skakapopulis: Really?
    Dr. Fritz Fassbender: Yes!
    Victor Skakapopulis: I have terrible emotional problems. Could you help me?
    Dr. Fritz Fassbender: You certainly picked a very odd time to ask me, just in the middle of a suicide. (Ace Goodman)
  • Liz Bien: Would you excuse me for a minute? I'm going into the bathroom to take an overdose of sleeping pills.
    Michael James: I like you. You're a nice stable girl. (Ace Goodman)
  • Michael James: Did you find a job?
    Victor Skakapopulis: Yeah, I got something at the striptease. I help the girls dress and undress.
    Michael James: Nice job.
    Victor Skakapopulis: Twenty francs a week.
    Michael James: Not very much.
    Victor Skakapopulis: It's all I can afford. (Ace Goodman)
  • Dr. Fritz Fassbender: My father, the most beloved gynecologist in Vienna, before they took him away on a morals charge for indecent exposure at the State Opera House, said, and I quote: "Please do not take me away, I will not do it again."
    Victor Skakapopulis: Brilliant quote.
    Dr. Fritz Fassbender: He was a brilliant pervert. (Ace Goodman)
  • Henry Tyroon: You don't go wheelin' 'n' dealin' for money. You do it for fun. Money's just the way you keep score. (Ace Goodman)
  • Alice Green: I think I could love you again if you could, for once, say 'I don't know.' (Ace Goodman)
  • Alice Green: It's horrifying how much you can hate yourself for being low and weak and he couldn't save me from that. So I turned it on him; I tried to empty it onto him. But there was always more, you know. When he tried to help I told him that he made me feel small and worthless. But nobody makes us feel that, we do that for ourselves. I shut him out because I knew if he ever really saw who I was inside, that he wouldn't love me. And we're separated now, he's moved away, and it was so hard not to beg him to stay. And I don't know if I'm going to get a second chance but I have to believe. That I deserve one. Because we all do. (Ace Goodman)
  • Michael Green: My wife is an alcoholic. Best person I ever met. She has 600 different smiles. They can light up your life. They can make you laugh out loud, just like that. They can even make you cry, just like that. That's just with her smiles. You'd have to see her with her kids. You'd have to see how they look at her, when she's not looking. To think of all the things she lives through, and I couldn't help her.
    Alice Green: Maybe helping wasn't your job.
    Michael Green: Well, it wasn't. See I love her. And I tried everything, except really listening, really listening, and that's how I left her alone. I was so ashamed of that, and I couldn't even tell her. Maybe if I tell her she'd love me anyway.
    Alice Green: Or more. She would have loved you even more. I think you should tell all this stuff to your wife. (Ace Goodman)
  • Alice Green: Fuck that! Fuck making it better. It's not getting better! I don't know how to make it better and I swear to God you don't either! (Ace Goodman)
  • Curt Duncan: [on the phone with Jill] Why haven't you checked the children?
    Jill Johnson: Leave me alone!
    [slams the phone down onto its cradle]
    Sgt. Sacker: [Sgt calls Jill on phone] Jill, we've traced the calls... They're coming from inside the house! (Ace Goodman)
  • John Clifford: Lets get something straight here, Doctor. I've been 33 years in the business of tracking people down and putting them away... spent almost a year alone on the case of Curt Duncan with the trial and the testimonies and the background investigations. Now, I didn't come here today to look in your God damn folders, in fact I probably wouldn't be here at all if you had done your job right.
    Dr. Monk: This is a hospital, Mr. Clifford, not a penitentiary. Everything appertaining to one of our patients is meticulously recorded in that patient's folder, whether you can make sense of it or not. (Ace Goodman)
  • Jill Johnson: You really scared me, if that's what you wanted. Is that what you wanted?
    Curt Duncan: No.
    Jill Johnson: What do you want?
    Curt Duncan: Your blood all over me. (Ace Goodman)
  • Sally Albright: Harry, you're going to have to try and find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have, every moment that you have them. (Ace Goodman)
  • Sally: When Joe and I started seeing each other, we wanted exactly the same thing. We wanted to live together, but we didn't want to get married because every time anyone we knew got married, it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again. It's true, it's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you. I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids - and, actually, my one girlfriend who has kids, Alice - and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it anymore. She didn't even complain about it, now that I think about it. She just said it matter-of-factly. She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted all the time, the kids just took every sexual impulse they had out of them. And Joe and I used to talk about it, and we'd say we were so lucky we have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. And then one day I was taking Alice's little girl for the afternoon because I'd promised to take her to the circus, and we were in the cab playing "I Spy" - I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamp-post - and she looked out the window and she saw this man and this woman with these two little kids. And the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders, and she said, "I spy a family." And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home, and I said, "The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."
    Harry: And the kitchen floor?
    Sally: [sadly] Not once. It's this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile. (Ace Goodman)
  • Sally: He just met her... She's supposed to be his transitional person, she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.
    Harry: If you could take him back now, would you?
    Sally: No. But why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?
    Harry: Nothing.
    Sally: I'm difficult.
    Harry: You're challenging.
    Sally: I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off.
    Harry: But in a good way.
    Sally: No, no, no, I drove him away. AND, I'm gonna be forty.
    Harry: When?
    Sally: Someday.
    Harry: In eight years.
    Sally: But it's there. It's just sitting there, like some big dead end. And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was 73.
    Harry: Yeah, but he was too old to pick them up. (Ace Goodman)
  • Harry: [after he has run into his ex-wife] She looked weird didn't she? She looked really weird.
    Sally: I don't know, I've never seen her before.
    Harry: Trust me, she looked weird. Her legs looked heavy. Really, she must retaining water.
    Sally: Harry.
    Harry: Believe me, the woman saved everything. (Ace Goodman)
  • Marie: Restaurants are to people in the 80's what theatres were to people in the 60's. I read it in a magazine.
    Jess: I wrote that.
    Marie: Get out of here.
    Jess: I did.
    Marie: Where did I read that?
    Jess: New York magazine
    Harry: Sally writes for New York magazine (Ace Goodman)
  • Marie: Everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor but they couldn't possibly all have good taste. (Ace Goodman)
  • Marie: Tell me I'll never have to be out there again.
    Jess: You'll never have to be out there again. (Ace Goodman)
  • Sally Albright: Yes it is. You are a human affront to all women and I am a woman. (Ace Goodman)
  • Sally Albright: Well, basically it's the same dream I've been having since I was twelve.
    Harry Burns: Which is?
    Sally Albright: Okay, there's this guy...
    Harry Burns: What does he look like?
    Sally Albright: I don't know, he's just sort of faceless.
    Harry Burns: Faceless guy, okay.
    Sally Albright: He RIPS off my clothes.
    [pause]
    Harry Burns: And?
    Sally Albright: That's it.
    Harry Burns: That's it? Some faceless guy rips off all your clothes, and THAT'S the sex fantasy you've been having since you were twelve?
    Sally Albright: Well sometimes I vary it a little.
    Harry Burns: Which part?
    Sally Albright: What I'm wearing. (Ace Goodman)
  • Harry Burns: How long do you like to be held after sex? All night, right? See, that's your problem. Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem.
    Sally Albright: I don't have a problem.
    Harry Burns: Yes, you do. (Ace Goodman)
  • Sally Albright: I am not your consolation prize, Harry. (Ace Goodman)
  • Harry Burns: The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe you're either (a) not at home, (b) home but don't want to talk to me, or (c) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. If it's either (a) or (c), please call me back. (Ace Goodman)
  • Marie: The point is, he just spent $120 on a new nightgown for his wife. I don't think he's ever gonna leave her.
    Sally Albright: No one thinks he's ever gonna leave her.
    Marie: You're right, you're right, I know you're right. (Ace Goodman)
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  • Look, I wasn't saying the Beatles are better than God or Jesus. ( The Beatles)

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  • Music is a very personal and emotional form of communication. (Trevor Dunn)