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Myron: Ah ah, that's "action figure". (Ace Goodman) DJ: Nope, not even close. Sorry. Perhaps this song will put us all in the mood to get this thing right. (Ace Goodman) | |
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Officer Hummel: Relax, Sparky, I was with the bomb squad for 10 years. [does various things to find out if it's really a bomb while Howard and Myron run out of the studio] Officer Hummel: Gentlemen, we've been duped. This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package. Myron Larabee: [the bomb goes off, Howard hesitates with a look of shock] That really was a bomb? This is a sick world we live in! Sick people! Officer: How many years on the bomb squad? [Officer Hummel collapses on the floor, charred] (Ace Goodman) Howard Langston: [In Turbo Man outfit] Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Oh, I'm sorry about the bike, and the coffee, and the bus, and... the bomb. (Ace Goodman) Mall Santa: Kosher? This coming from a guy who assaulted a toddler for a super ball? (Ace Goodman) Howard: What? Liz: What did you get me? [Howard makes a terrified face, camera quickly zooms in on it, fade out] (Ace Goodman) [grabs an old lady] Myron Larabee: And choke him and choke him until an eye pops out! Er... You shouldn't wear fur. (Ace Goodman) [shouting] Howard Langston: Who told you you could eat my cookies? (Ace Goodman) Myron Larabee: No, I didn't build a bomb! Don't you read the news? Hundreds of these things come through the mail every day! I just kept one in case I ever needed it! (Ace Goodman) Howard Langston: Yes. Myron Larabee: That's what you said on the radio. DJ: Oh, no. Myron Larabee: Yes it is. DJ: No, no, no! What I actually said was whoever won would get a doll EVENTUALLY... See [chuckles] DJ: What we have here... is a gift certificate. Myron Larabee, Howard Langston: A gift certificate? DJ: Right. (Ace Goodman) [toilet flushes and man walks out of stall. Joe looks down awkwardly] Joe Dirt: Right on. Things are gonna happen for me! I'm Joe Dirt! (Ace Goodman) KXLA Security Guard: Don't try and church it up son. Don't you mean Joe Dirt? Naming you that your father must've really hated you. Joe Dirt: You're wrong brother. KXLA Security Guard: I got a good name for this car, rusty. Joe Dirt: Shit'll buff out. KXLA Security Guard: Don't bother, just drive this piece of crap off a cliff. Do us all a favor. Joe Dirt: Does this look like a piece of crap to you? Like them spinnin' tires do you? KXLA Security Guard: You suck! Joe Dirt: You do! (Ace Goodman) Railroad Boy #1: You wanna fight you little queer? Joe Dirt: Queer? Is this queer? These queer? [slappin muslces] Joe Dirt: Whats up? Whats up? (Ace Goodman) Joe Dirt: Yeah it is. It came out of the sky. Meteor Bert: Well I'm sure it did but it ain't no meteor. It's a big ol frozen chunk o' shit. Joe Dirt: What! Meteor Bert: Oh yeah, see them airplanes they dump their toilets 36,000 feet. The stuff freezes and falls to earth. We call 'em Boeing bombs [chomps teeth] Joe Dirt: no that can't be. That's not what it is Meteor Bert: oh, afraid so. See that peanut? Dead giveaway. Joe Dirt: Uhhh, no, that's a space peanut. Meteor Bert: No, afraid not. That just a big ol' frozen chunk of poopy. Studio manager: Dude you were eating off it! (Ace Goodman) | |
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