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  • Stan: That's the first mistake we've made since that fellow sold us the Brooklyn Bridge.
    Oliver: Buying that bridge was no mistake. It will be worth a lot of money someday. (Ace Goodman)
  • Oliver: That reminds me. You said that if we didn't get the deed back, that you'd eat my hat.
    Stan: Oh, now you're taking me too literally.
    Oliver: Never the less, I'm gonna teach you not to make such rash promises. Eat the hat.
    Stan: Whoever heard of anybody eating a hat?
    Oliver: Whoever heard of anybody doing that
    [makes his hand act like a cigarette lighter]
    Oliver: Eat the hat!
    Stan: I won't do it.
    Oliver: If you don't eat that hat, I'll tie you to a tree and let the buzzards get you!
    Stan: Would you do that?
    Oliver: I certainly would. (Ace Goodman)
  • Oliver: A lot of weather we've been having lately! (Ace Goodman)
  • Oliver: There's another nice mess you've gotten us into! (Ace Goodman)
  • Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: Tell me about my dear dear daddy! Is it true that he's dead?
    Stan: I hope so, they buried him! (Ace Goodman)
  • Ollie: We'll all go down to Dixie. Oh, for a slice of possum and yam. Mm!
    Stan: Yes, sir and some good old fish and chips. I can smell' em.
    Ollie: Fish 'n Chips! (Ace Goodman)
  • Oliver: Ban my brow! I'm from the South!
    Stan: Shut my mouth! I'm from the South too!
    Oliver: South of what, sir?
    Stan: South of London! (Ace Goodman)
  • Squadron Leader Sil Carter: Well chaps, you don't need me to tell you, the target's the same as yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. (Ace Goodman)
  • Hubbell Gardner: You hold on and I don't know how. And I wish I did. Maybe you were born committed... I can't get negative enough. I can't get angry enough. And I can't get positive enough. (Ace Goodman)
  • Hubbell Gardner: A... two cheese burgers and four cokes.
    Katie Morosky Gardner: Onion?
    Hubbell Gardner: Yeah, in the cokes. (Ace Goodman)
  • Katie Morosky Gardner: Wouldn't it be wonderful if we were old? Then we could say we survived all this. Everything thing would be uncomplicated, the way it was when we were young?
    Hubbell Gardner: Katie, it was never uncomplicated. (Ace Goodman)
  • Katie Morosky Gardner: You'll never find anyone as good for you as I am, to believe in you as much as I do or love you as much!
    Hubbell Gardner: I know that.
    Katie Morosky Gardner: Well then, why? (Ace Goodman)
  • Hubbell Gardner: What kind of pie? (Ace Goodman)
  • Katie Morosky Gardner: Your girl is lovely, Hubbell. (Ace Goodman)
  • Hubbell Gardner: You're unhappy unless you do something. Because of me, you're trying to lay out, but that's wrong... wrong for you. Commitment is part of you. Part of what makes you attractive, part of what attracted me to you. (Ace Goodman)
  • Hubbell Gardner: The trouble with some people is they work too hard. (Ace Goodman)
  • Hubbell Gardner: I don't see how you can do it.
    Katie Morosky Gardner: And I don't see how you can't (Ace Goodman)
  • Hubbell Gardner: When you love someone, from Roosevelt to me, you go deaf, dumb and blind. (Ace Goodman)
  • Wimpy: I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. (Ace Goodman)
  • Dr. David Newcome: Strange how words can be true, and yet have no truth in them. (Ace Goodman)
  • Gerald Newcome: I'm not afraid anymore.
    Jessica Newcome: But Gerald, what have you been frightened of?
    Gerald Newcome: Of you, Mother. (Ace Goodman)
  • Admiral: Who are you seeing this leave? Your "Aunt Margaret" again?
    Lt. Freddie Taylor: I can't risk it, sir. Her husband's on leave. (Ace Goodman)
  • Edith Evans: I think he want to have sex with her.
    Jack Linden: Why?
    Edith Evans: Why?
    Jack Linden: Yeah.
    Edith Evans: Because he likes her and she's pretty. And he hasn't had any strange pussy since that French cunt. (Ace Goodman)
  • Hank Evans: What is the name of this dance?
    Irish Dance Know-It-All: The Angry Housewife.
    Edith Evans: [laugh] (Ace Goodman)
  • Professor Tuttle: That wasn't King Ruten-Tuten! That was his wife, Queen Hatsi-Tatsi! This is Ruten-Tuten! He was a midget! (Ace Goodman)
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  • Music is a very personal and emotional form of communication. (Trevor Dunn)