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  • Deacon: Dry land is not just our destination, it is our destiny! (Ace Goodman)
  • Deacon: If I ever see him again, I'm going to cut open his head and eat his brain. (Ace Goodman)
  • Deacon: He's like a turd that won't flush! (Ace Goodman)
  • Deacon: Don't just stand there, kill something! (Ace Goodman)
  • Gemma: What's happening tonight, guys?
    Tony: Nothing. I gave up drinking.
    Sarah Brightman: The third time this month? (Ace Goodman)
  • Mr. Lincoln: Would you like a closer look? (Ace Goodman)
  • Mark Loftmore: [reading the first bit of the essay he had his maid write for him on 'Dictators'] 'The Trouble with Dictators'. I think dictators are the bad people. They have the shouting voices, and the small moustaches.
    [sighs] (Ace Goodman)
  • Mark Loftmore: One last thing before you kill us Lincoln!
    Mr. Lincoln: You know my name?
    Mark Loftmore: I should. You murdered my grandfather!
    Mr. Lincoln: You're a Loftmore! Old horror lord's grandchild. Well, well, well, what a coincidence. It's such a small world!
    Mark Loftmore: Well, then why do you want to end it?
    Mr. Lincoln: Somebody has to. (Ace Goodman)
  • Mark Loftmore: I'm sorry, I was never very good at languages. (Ace Goodman)
  • China: Can't a girl get laid around here without being burned at the stake? (Ace Goodman)
  • Dracula: Steak tartar? Ah, yes. Steak tartar. (Ace Goodman)
  • Dracula: Raw meat. You do like raw meat? (Ace Goodman)
  • [Mark (as Douglas) must read a body the burial prayer, quickly]
    John Loftmore: Read directly to the bones... page 210, chapter 13, verse 7.
    Mark Loftmore: Ecapsmi evig nig inglock...
    John Loftmore: Douglas, the book is upside down. (Ace Goodman)
  • Parker: You take Los Angeles. Kay. If I say Los Angeles has become, over the years, a mecca for homosexual migration. I am in the right. But look at what I am saying. I am making it sound like faggots are nomadic if not predatory miscreants who have some implied need to move around. I am also likening of the Muslims, or Muslims to them. Whereas saying LA is filled with faggots is just being honest. (Ace Goodman)
  • Parker: Can't you people see there are guns here? Get, the fuck, OUT! GET OUT! (Ace Goodman)
  • Longbaugh: You have too much faith in people.
    Parker: How can you kidnap somebody without it? (Ace Goodman)
  • Robin: When you think about deaf people, people who are born deaf... who've never heard a spoken word. What do you think they call the sun or their mother... or their own reflection in the mirror? That's what I call it. (Ace Goodman)
  • Longbaugh: If I wanna hit her, I hit. If I wanna miss her, I miss. (Ace Goodman)
  • Longbaugh: Wanna get out now? Wanna quit? This is never gonna come your way again. (Ace Goodman)
  • Parker: Then I heard him praying, now I lay me down to sleep I pray to the lord my soul to keep... and you know something it stayed with me .it bothered me. Of all the people I'd done it too, and that had to be the one I felt and to this day I can't go to sleep unless I say that prayer. (Ace Goodman)
  • Parker: Need is the ultimate monkey. (Ace Goodman)
  • Longbaugh: Why's that such a big deal?
    Interviewer: Because no one brings up sex with dead people!
    Longbaugh: 'Course they don't, it's sick.
    Interviewer: You brought it up!
    Longbaugh: Only to say I never did it.
    Interviewer: I didn't ask you that.
    Longbaugh: [smiling] You should. (Ace Goodman)
  • Parker: The longest distance between two points is a kidnapper and his money. (Ace Goodman)
  • Parker: For the record I'll call myself Mr. Parker. My associate will be Mr. Longbaugh. (Ace Goodman)
  • Longbaugh: I've been watching them pile up. Nightstick, flashlight, bulletproof vest.
    Joe Sarno: Fuckin' utility belts, right?
    Longbaugh: Fuckin' sign on his head reading "Why Bother?"
    Joe Sarno: Hey, they love to say shit like "ascertain".
    Longbaugh: "Surveillance."
    Joe Sarno: "Affirmative."
    Longbaugh: "I need backup."
    Joe Sarno: "Adjudicate."
    Longbaugh: "Adjudicate"?
    Joe Sarno: Yeah, well...
    Longbaugh: But, you know, then you got the other side. You got these trigger-happy cocksuckers all about the shooting and posturing and 'you don't know who I am' kind of thing..."I been to prison."
    Joe Sarno: 'cuase you got caught, dumb fuck.
    Longbaugh: These days, they want to be criminals more than they want to commit crime.
    Joe Sarno: Well that's... that's not just crime. That's the way of the world. (Ace Goodman)
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