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Hedwig: That song was by a young mister Kurt Cobain - now that kid's got a future! (Ace Goodman)
Tommy: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Saviour?
Hedwig: No, but I... I love his work. (Ace Goodman)
Hedwig: Ladies and gentlemen, do you like the pelt? Be honest, because some *bitch* stopped me on the way in. "What poor and unfortunate creature had to die for you to wear that?"
[pause]
Hedwig: My Aunt Trudy, I replied. Walked away ladies and gentlemen, walked away! (Ace Goodman)
Hansel: Luther is silent for a moment, as he stares at my little bishop in a turtleneck. (Ace Goodman)
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Yitzhak: Fuck you, I'm going to Guam! (Ace Goodman)
Phyllis: I don't think it's going to help our lawsuit if you continue to st... if you present the appearance of stalking him.
Hedwig: Yeah, you know I don't like that word. (Ace Goodman)
Phyllis: I could have your job! Where's my fucking broach? (Ace Goodman)
Hedwig: How many times do I have to tell you? You don't put a bra in a dryer! It warps! (Ace Goodman)
Hedwig: How did some slip of a girly boy from communist East Berlin become the internationally ignored song stylist barely standing before you? (Ace Goodman)
Hedwig: Don't you know me Kansas City? I'm the new Berlin Wall. Try and tear me down! (Ace Goodman)
Hedwig: When it comes to huge openings, a lot of people think of me. (Ace Goodman)
Hedwig: The road is my home, and my home, the road. And when I think of all the people I have come upon in my travels, I cannot help but think of the people who have come upon me. Tommy, can you hear me? From this milkless tit you have sucked the very business we call show! (Ace Goodman)
Tommy: What is that?
Hedwig: It's what I have to work with. (Ace Goodman)
Hedwig: It is clear that I must find my other half. But is it a he or a she? What does this person look like? Identical to me? Or somehow complimentary? Does my other half have what I don't? Did he get the looks? The luck? The love? Were we really separated forceably or did he just run off with the good stuff? Or did I? Will this person embarass me? What about sex? Is that how we put ourselves back together again? Or can two people actually become one again? (Ace Goodman)
Hedwig: I got kicked out of university after delivering a brilliant lecture on the aggressive influence of German philosophy on rock and roll entitled "You, Kant, Always Get What You Want". (Ace Goodman)
Hedwig: One day in the late mid-eighties, I was in my early late-twenties. I had just been dismissed from University after delivering a brilliant lecture on the aggressive influence of German philosophy on rock'n'roll entitled 'You, Kant, Always Get What You Want.' At 26, my academic career was over, I had never kissed a boy, and I was still sleeping with mom. Such were the thoughts flooding my tiny head on the day that I was sunning myself... in an old bomb crater I had discovered near the Wall. I am naked. Facedown, on a broken piece of church, inhaling a fragrant westerly breeze. The new McDonald's has just gone up on the other side... my God I deserve a break today. All I ever get is the unhappy meal. (Ace Goodman)
Hansel's Mom: To be free, one must give up a part of oneself. (Ace Goodman)
Hedwig: Our apartment was so small, that mother made me play in the oven. Late at night I would listen to the voices of the American masters, Tony Tennille, Debby Boone, Anne Murray who was actually a Canadian working in the American idiom. And then there were the crypto-homo rockers: Lou Reed, Iggy Pop, David Bowie who was actually an idiom working in America and Canada. These artists, they left as deep an impression on me as that oven rack did on my face. To be an American in muskrat love, soft as an easy chair not even the chair, I am I said, have I never been mellow? And the colored girls sing... doo do doo do doo do doo... but never with the melody. How could I do it better than Tony or Lou... HEY BOY, TAKE A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE! (Ace Goodman)
Hansel's Mom: Absolute power corrupts.
Hansel (6 Years Old): Absolutely.
Hansel's Mom: Better to be powerless, my son. (Ace Goodman)
Hedwig: One day in the late mid 80's I was in my early late 20's. (Ace Goodman)
Hansel: Jesus says the darndest things.
Hedwig: [slaps Hansel] Don't you ever mention that name to me again.
Hansel: But he died for our sins.
Hedwig: So did Hitler!
Hansel: Eh? (Ace Goodman)
Hedwig: He sang the strangest songs to me, by bands I had never heard of: Boston, Kansas, America, Europe, Asia. Travel exhausts me. (Ace Goodman)
Tommy: Eve just wanted to know shit. (Ace Goodman)
Krzysztof: Miss Hedwig, can we eat the salad now? (Ace Goodman)
Tommy: Oh, God, oh, Hedwig, when Eve was still inside Adam, they were in paradise.
Hedwig: That's right, honey.
Tommy: When she was separated from him, that's when paradise was lost. So when she enters him again, paradise will be regained.
Hedwig: However you want it, honey. Just kiss me while we do it. (Ace Goodman)
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