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  • Principal: Now I've seen a lot of bullshit... angel dust, switchblades, sexually perverse photography involving tennis rackets... (Ace Goodman)
  • Heather Chandler: Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. No one at Westerberg is going to let you play their reindeer games. (Ace Goodman)
  • J.D.: People will look at the ashes of Westerburg and say, "Now there's a school that self-destructed, not because society didn't care, but because the school was society." Now that's deep. (Ace Goodman)
  • J.D.: Chaos was what killed the dinosaurs, darling (Ace Goodman)
  • Veronica Sawyer: It's one thing to want someone out of your life, but it's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer. (Ace Goodman)
  • Kurt Kelly: Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a no fags allowed rule?
    J.D.: Well, they seem to have an open door policy for assholes though don't they? (Ace Goodman)
  • Heather Chandler: You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school. If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing. (Ace Goodman)
  • Heather Chandler: Corn Nuts!
    Veronica Sawyer: Plain or BQ?
    Heather Chandler: BQ! (Ace Goodman)
  • Veronica Sawyer: What is your damage, Heather? (Ace Goodman)
  • J.D.: [shows Heather pictures]
    Heather Duke: Me and Martha Dumptruck? Where did you get this?
    J.D.: I just had the nicest little chat with Ms. Dumptruck. Got along famously. It's kind of scary that everyone's got a little story to tell. You wanna see the canoeing shots?
    Heather Duke: What is this? Blackmail?
    Heather Duke: [pause]
    Heather Duke: I'll give you a week's lunch money.
    J.D.: I don't want your money. I want your strength. Westerburg does not need mushy togetherness. It needs a strong leader. Heather Chandler was that leader but...
    Heather Duke: But she couldn't handle it.
    J.D.: I think you can. Moby Dick is dunked. The white whale drank some bad plankton and splashed through a coffee table and now it's your turn to take the helm.
    Heather Duke: What about the photographs?
    J.D.: Oh, don't worry. I'll ask you to do me a favor. That will be one you'll enjoy. Then you'll get the negatives and everything back then. But in the meantime... strength. Here's a little gift. From Heather to Heather.
    J.D.: [gives her Heather Chandler's red hair bow] (Ace Goodman)
  • Geek: Ah, oh, uh! I like to suck big dicks. Or, uh... Mmmm! Mmmm! I can't get enough of 'em! (Ace Goodman)
  • Heather Chandler: You blow it tonight, girl, and it's keggers with kids all next year. (Ace Goodman)
  • Heather Chandler: Grow up Heather, bulimia's so '87. (Ace Goodman)
  • Heather Duke: Veronica, why are you pulling my dick? (Ace Goodman)
  • J.D.: Is your life perfect?
    Veronica Sawyer: I'm on my way to a party at Remington University... No, my life's not perfect. I don't really like my friends.
    J.D.: I... I don't really like your friends either.
    Veronica Sawyer: Well, it's just like - they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit.
    J.D.: Maybe it's time to take a vacation. (Ace Goodman)
  • Veronica Sawyer: My parents wanted to move me into high school out of the sixth grade, but we decided to chuck the idea because I'd have trouble making friends, blah, blah, blah. Now blah, blah, blah is all I ever do. I use my grand IQ to decide what color lip gloss to wear in the morning and how to hit three keggers before curfew... (Ace Goodman)
  • J.D.: This is Ohio. If you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress. (Ace Goodman)
  • Veronica Sawyer: [writing in diary] Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west... wait east. West! God! I sound like a fucking psycho. (Ace Goodman)
  • Veronica Sawyer: Shit, Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock.
    Heather Chandler: You don't have anything for her either. Come on. It will be very. The note will give her shower-nozzle masturbation material for weeks. (Ace Goodman)
  • Heather Duke: [playing croquet] So what are you gonna do Heather? Take two shots or send me out?
    Heather Chandler: Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? First you ask if you can be red, knowing that I'm always red.
    [puts her croquet ball against Heather's and sends it flying]
    Heather Duke: Shit.
    Heather Chandler: It's your turn, Heather. (Ace Goodman)
  • Heather Chandler: Is this turnout weak or what? I had at least 70 more people at my funeral.
    Veronica Sawyer: Heather?
    Heather Chandler: God, Veronica. My afterlife is so boring. I have to sing Kumbaya one more time...
    Veronica Sawyer: What are you doing here?
    Heather Chandler: I made your favorite. Spaghetti. With lots of oregano. Dinner!
    Veronica Sawyer: [wakes up from dream] (Ace Goodman)
  • Veronica Sawyer: Hey, Martha. My date for the prom kinda flaked out on me. I was wondering, If you weren't doing anything that night, maybe we could rent some new releases and pop some popcorn.
    Martha 'Dumptruck' Dunnstock: I'd like that.
    Veronica Sawyer: Yeah. Me too. (Ace Goodman)
  • Veronica Sawyer: Dear Diary: Heather told me she teaches people "real life." She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, yes. I said, you're beautiful. (Ace Goodman)
  • Heather McNamara: It's your turn Heather.
    Heather Chandler: No, Heather, it's Heather's turn. Heather?
    Heather Duke: Sorry Heather. (Ace Goodman)
  • Veronica Sawyer: Great pate, mom, but I gotta motor if I wanna be ready for that party tonight. (Ace Goodman)
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  • Music is a very personal and emotional form of communication. (Trevor Dunn)