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  • Conrad 'Connie' Brean: I'm working on it. (Ace Goodman)
  • CIA Agent Mr. Young: When the fit hits the shan somebody's going to have to stay behind after school. (Ace Goodman)
  • Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Stanley, don't do this. You're playing with your life here.
    Stanley Motss: Fuck my life. I want the credit. (Ace Goodman)
  • Conrad 'Connie' Brean: You can't tell anyone about this.
    Tracy Lime: It is like a union thing? (Ace Goodman)
  • Stanley Motss: I bet you're great at chess.
    Conrad 'Connie' Brean: I would be if I could remember how all the pieces moved. (Ace Goodman)
  • Winifred Ames: This is all your fault you liberal commie convict hiring fuck. (Ace Goodman)
  • CIA Agent Mr. Young: There are two things I know to be true. There's no difference between good flan and bad flan, and there is no war." (Ace Goodman)
  • Stanley Motss: That's right. During the filming of 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,' three of the horsemen died two weeks before the ending of principle photography. This is nothing, this is nothing. This is... this is... this is act one- The War. (Ace Goodman)
  • Winifred Ames: This is all your fault you liberal, commie, convict-hiring fuck. We're stranded miles from nowhere, no idea where we are, so what are we gonna do now you so-sure, twinkle-toed, Hollywood shit-head? Huh? What now?
    Stanley Motss: This is nothing. This is nothing. Piece of cake, walk in the park. This is nothing. (Ace Goodman)
  • Stanley Motss: This is NOTHING. (Ace Goodman)
  • Johnny Dean: I was just on my way to get drunk. (Ace Goodman)
  • Conrad 'Connie' Brean: All combat takes place at night, in the rain, and at the junction of four map segments. (Ace Goodman)
  • Stanley Motss: It's like a plumber: if you do it OK, nobody notices, if you fuck up, it gets full of shit. (Ace Goodman)
  • Tracy Lime: What would they do if I did tell someone?
    Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Come to your house and kill you. (Ace Goodman)
  • Johnny Dean: Albania's hard to rhyme. (Ace Goodman)
  • Stanley Motss: Why Albania?
    Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Why not?
    Stanley Motss: What have they done to us?
    Conrad 'Connie' Brean: What have they done FOR us? What do you know about them?
    Stanley Motss: Nothing.
    Conrad 'Connie' Brean: See? They keep to themselves. Shifty. Untrustable. (Ace Goodman)
  • Winifred Ames: What did he do?
    Stanley Motss: He raped a nun...
    Winifred Ames: Oh, God. Oh, God. Jes - Oh, God!
    Stanley Motss: And...
    Winifred Ames: "And"? I don't want to know an "and". Why is there an "and"?
    Stanley Motss: Look, look, look, look, look. He's fine as long as he gets his medication...
    Winifred Ames: And if he doesn't get his medications?
    Stanley Motss: He's not fine. (Ace Goodman)
  • Stanley Motss: As long as he gets his medications, he's fine.
    Winifred Ames: What if he doesn't get them?
    Stanley Motss: He's not fine. (Ace Goodman)
  • Stanley Motss: It's okay, he's not dead.
    [gunshot]
    Stanley Motss: Uh, strike that. (Ace Goodman)
  • Conrad 'Connie' Brean: What's the thing people remember about the Gulf War? A bomb falling down a chimney. Let me tell you something: I was in the building where we filmed that with a 10-inch model made out of Legos.
    Stanley Motss: Is that true?
    Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Who the hell's to say? (Ace Goodman)
  • Stanley Motss: When it's cooking, it's cooking. (Ace Goodman)
  • Conrad 'Connie' Brean: A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. (Ace Goodman)
  • Stanley Motss: The President will be a hero. He brought peace.
    Conrad 'Connie' Brean: But there was never a war.
    Stanley Motss: All the greater accomplishment. (Ace Goodman)
  • Captain Harlock: A pirate must live a pirate's life, and this is the way of life we have chosen. (Ace Goodman)
  • Zeda: When we meet in Hell, let us drink as friends. (Ace Goodman)
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