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Withnail: I'm going to pull your head off, because I don't like your head. (Ace Goodman)
Withnail: Right, here's the plan. First, we go in there and get wrecked, then we eat a pork pie, then we drop some Surmontil-50's each. That way we'll miss out on Monday and come up smiling Tuesday morning. (Ace Goodman)
Withnail: I think a drink, don't you?
Peter Marwood: What about the wellingtons?
Withnail: Bollocks to the wellingtons. We'll tell him they had a farmers conference and had a run on them. (Ace Goodman)
Monty: Come on lads, let's get home, the sky's beginning to bruise, night must fall and we shall be forced to camp. (Ace Goodman)
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Monty: As a youth I used to weep in butcher's shops. (Ace Goodman)
Withnail: I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze. (Ace Goodman)
Withnail: We want the finest wines available to humanity, and we want them here, and we want them now. (Ace Goodman)
Jake: Now look you - them pheasants are for his pot. These eels are for my pot. Now what makes you think I should give you something for your pot?
Withnail: What pot?
Peter Marwood: A cooking pot, you idiot. (Ace Goodman)
Withnail: Don't threaten me with a dead fish. (Ace Goodman)
Withnail: I want something's flesh. (Ace Goodman)
Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?
Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell, and it looks like a carrot. (Ace Goodman)
Uncle Monty: Tell him if you must, I no longer care. I mean to have you even if it must be burglary. (Ace Goodman)
Withnail: I feel like a pig shat in my head. (Ace Goodman)
Withnail: Free to those that can afford it, very expensive to those that can't. (Ace Goodman)
Withnail: How do we make it die? (Ace Goodman)
Danny: I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight. (Ace Goodman)
Peter Marwood: My thumbs have gone weird. (Ace Goodman)
Bruce: [possessed by evil] You have violated the ancient ways, and so must die. (Ace Goodman)
Bruce: You're only cursed by the evil spirits if you violate the graves of the dead. We're just gonna be eating hotdogs. (Ace Goodman)
Bruce: You want to know something interesting?
Ellen: For a change, you mean?
Bruce: You know this place we're staying? Used to be part of an old Indian burial ground. It's very sacred and holy.
Ellen: Ooo scary! What is it cursed or something?
Bruce: Yeah. As a matter of fact, it is. (Ace Goodman)
Maxine Scott: You're a great help to me. What am I supposed to say to this man? "Hi, I'd like you to meet my sister, the girl with the golden arm and her hair in the oven." (Ace Goodman)
Molly the Maid: [in front of Jake, Abby's date for the evening.] Mrs. McClure! Now I need to put the meat on broil but your hair is on bake. Which should I do first?
Abby McClure: [humiliated.] I think the *hair*, Molly.
Molly the Maid: False hair, false eyelashes, false bosoms. In my day women were flesh and blood, now they're 70% nylon and 30% foam rubber. (Ace Goodman)
Jason McClure: Can I sleep with you, Mommy?
Abby McClure: Go! Get moving!
Jake Iverson: There's nothing wrong with that. I was just going to ask you the same thing. (Ace Goodman)
Abby McClure: Pretty, huh. Why shouldn't he date a young chick? Why take the bus when you can fly? (Ace Goodman)
Monty: I never wanted to be a razor so bad in all my life. (Ace Goodman)
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