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  • Withnail: We'll have to work fast.
    Withnail: A pair of quadruple whiskies and another pair of pints... (Ace Goodman)
  • Peter Marwood: I think you should strangle it quickly before it starts trying to make friends with us. (Ace Goodman)
  • Peter Marwood: Not even the wankers on the site would drink that. That's worse than meths.
    Withnail: Nonsense. This is a far superior drink to meths. The wankers don't drink it because they can't afford it. (Ace Goodman)
  • Peter Marwood: If you think you're going to have a weekend's indulgence up here at his expense, which means him having a weekend's indulgence up here at MY expense, you got another thing coming. (Ace Goodman)
  • Peter Marwood: I have just narrowly avoided having a buggering, and have come in here with the express intention of wishing one upon you. (Ace Goodman)
  • Peter Marwood: Speed is like a dozen transatlantic flights without ever getting off the plane. Time change. You lose, you gain. Makes no difference so long as you keep taking the pills. But sooner or later you've got to get out because it's crashing, and then all at once the frozen hours melt out through the nervous system and seep out the pores. (Ace Goodman)
  • Withnail: Why can't I have an audition? It's ridiculous. I've been to drama school. I'm good looking. I tell you, I've a fuck sight more talent that half the rubbish that gets on television. Why can't I get on television?
    Peter Marwood: Well, I don't know. It'll happen.
    Withnail: Will it? That's what you say. The only program I'm likely to get on is the fucking news. (Ace Goodman)
  • First Policeman: You're drunk.
    Withnail: I assure you I'm not officer. I've only had a few ales. (Ace Goodman)
  • Withnail: I must say, that represents a level of hypocrisy in you that I'd previously suspected, but not noticed due to highly evasive skills. (Ace Goodman)
  • Withnail: [taking a seat] Alright here?
    Waitress: No, we're closing in a minute.
    Withnail: We're leaving in a minute. (Ace Goodman)
  • Withnail: What are we supposed to do with that?
    Peter Marwood: Eat it.
    Withnail: Eat it? Fucker's alive.
    Peter Marwood: Yeah, you've got to kill it.
    Withnail: Me? I'm the firelighter and fuel collector.
    Peter Marwood: Yeah, I know, but I got the logs in. It takes away your appetite just looking at it.
    Withnail: No it doesn't. I'm starving. (Ace Goodman)
  • Peter Marwood: You never discuss your family do you?
    Withnail: I fail to see my family's of any interest to you. I've absolutely no interest in yours. I dislike relatives in general and in particular mine.
    Peter Marwood: Why?
    Withnail: I've told you why. We're incompatible. They don't like me being on stage.
    Peter Marwood: Then they must be delighted with your career. (Ace Goodman)
  • Withnail: Jesus. You're covered in shit. (Ace Goodman)
  • Withnail: This place is uninhabitable.
    Peter Marwood: Give it a chance. It's got to warm up.
    Withnail: Warm up? We may as well sit round this cigarette. This is ridiculous. We'll be found dead in here next spring. (Ace Goodman)
  • Peter Marwood: Right, now we're going to have to approach this scientifically. First thing we've got to do is get this fire alight, then we split into two fact finding groups. I'll deal with the water and the plumbings, you check the fuel and wood situation.
    [Later, Withnail re-enters the cottage holding a short stick]
    Peter Marwood: What's that?
    Withnail: The fuel and wood situation. There's nothing out there except a hurricane. (Ace Goodman)
  • Withnail: Monty used to act.
    Monty: I'd hardly say that. It's true I crept the boards in my youth, but I never had it in my blood, and that's what so essential isn't it? The theatrical zeal in the veins. Alas, I have little more that vintage wine and memories. (Ace Goodman)
  • Peter Marwood: A coward you are, Withnail. An expert on bulls you are not. (Ace Goodman)
  • Withnail: Look at that. Look at that. "Accident Blackspot"? These aren't accidents. They're throwing themselves into the road gladly. Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness.
    [to a pedestrian]
    Withnail: Throw yourself into the road, darling - you haven't got a chance. (Ace Goodman)
  • Withnail: If I ever see that silage-heap hanging about up here, I'll take the bastard axe to him. Bastards. (Ace Goodman)
  • Withnail: This place has become impossible. Nothing to eat, freezing cold and now a madman on the prowl outside with eels.
    Peter Marwood: Alright, you've made your point. We pack up tomorrow and get out.
    [He heads for the door]
    Withnail: Where are you going?
    Peter Marwood: I'm going for a slash.
    Withnail: No you can't, I can't get my boots on when they're hot.
    Peter Marwood: That's alright, I'll go alone.
    Withnail: No you won't, you're not leaving me in here alone. Those are the kind of windows faces look in at. (Ace Goodman)
  • Peter Marwood: We're leaving in half an hour.
    Withnail: Half an hour? Don't be ridiculous. I need at least an hour for lunch. (Ace Goodman)
  • Monty: Flowers are simply tarts; prostitutes for the bees. (Ace Goodman)
  • Withnail: I have a heart condition. If you hit me, it's murder. (Ace Goodman)
  • Peter Marwood: If my father was loaded I'd ask him for some money.
    Withnail: If your father was my father you wouldn't get it. (Ace Goodman)
  • Peter Marwood: Even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day, and for once I'm inclined to believe Withnail is right. We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell. (Ace Goodman)
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  • Music is a very personal and emotional form of communication. (Trevor Dunn)