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  • Pastor Jack Master: Facts are the propaganda of Satan. (Ace Goodman)
  • Pierre Bezukhov: I have sinned, Lord, but I have several excellent excuses. (Ace Goodman)
  • Natasha Rostov: Nicholas.
    Nicholas Rostov: What now?
    Natasha Rostov: Is everybody looking at me?
    Nicholas Rostov: Well, can't you see for yourself?
    Natasha Rostov: Not without changing the expression on my face.
    Nicholas Rostov: Natasha, you know, there's one awful thing about you.
    Natasha Rostov: Tell it to me! Tell me the whole truth.
    Nicholas Rostov: No girl I'll ever meet will ever be able to amuse me us much as you do.
    Natasha Rostov: Shh... Don't talk like that. (Ace Goodman)
  • Natasha Rostov: Nicholas.
    Nicholas Rostov: Yes?
    Natasha Rostov: The expression on my face.
    Nicholas Rostov: What about it?
    Natasha Rostov: Do I look disdainful?
    Nicholas Rostov: No!
    Natasha Rostov: You're impossible. I'm sure I look disdainful.
    Nicholas Rostov: Well, what do you want to look disdainful for?
    Natasha Rostov: Well, I thought if I looked bored and disdainful nobody would notice that this is the first ball I've ever been to. How's this? Better?
    Nicholas Rostov: Oh, that's much better.
    Natasha Rostov: Good. (Ace Goodman)
  • Natasha Rostov: Did you notice he almost never smiles? While I was singing, I turned around suddenly and caught him looking at me and he was smiling then. And I felt - but it's almost impossible to describe - I felt as if someone had given me the most enormous, beautiful present. (Ace Goodman)
  • Natasha Rostov: When I finally say I love you to any man and really mean it, it will be like a defeated general who's lost all his troops, surrendering and handing his sword to the enemy. (Ace Goodman)
  • Maurine Collier: I wasn't screaming. I was using my loud voice. (Ace Goodman)
  • Melissa: They were scary, your letters.
    Jeremy Collier: They were scary cus I was scared. (Ace Goodman)
  • Maurine Collier: Well, unless we're going to have a nuclear attack of some kind, it's hard to imagine what else could go wrong. (Ace Goodman)
  • Jeremy Collier: Stay away from my door.
    Karen Collier: It is only your door on the inside. It's anyone's door out here, and I'll stand by it as long as I want to, and you just try and stop me. (Ace Goodman)
  • Bob Collier: What was that?
    Jeremy Collier: I said the blessing.
    Bob Collier: I didn't hear anything.
    Jeremy Collier: I wasn't talking to you. (Ace Goodman)
  • Bob Collier: Did I ever tell you I was friends with a famous cowboy? (Ace Goodman)
  • Karen Collier: You know, I'm not gonna be mad at you, because I know you have personal problems.
    Jeremy Collier: What are they? What are these personal problems that I have?
    Karen Collier: I don't know the medical term, but I suppose you could describe it as being a terminal jerk. (Ace Goodman)
  • Karen Collier: You know how in horror movies the door is swinging back and forth from one hinge in front of a dark room, and some stupid moron is walking up to it, just gonna go in, and you think to yourself, 'Why is she doing that? Why is she going in there? What could possible make her go into that room? Doesn't she know better?'
    Donald: Yeah.
    Karen Collier: [looks over at her house] Don't let me go in there, please. (Ace Goodman)
  • Captain Flagg: Howd'ya like my baby? C'mere, nice gal, I got a present for ya!
    Charmaine: Oui, mon cher? (Ace Goodman)
  • Captain Flagg: What are you doing?
    Sergeant Quirt: I been sayin' goodbye to my baby.
    Captain Flagg: [showing Charmaine's flower] Oh, yeah? Your baby? Says you!
    Sergeant Quirt: [showing Charmaine's diaper pin] Yeah, says me! (Ace Goodman)
  • Captain Flagg: Listen, baby, I gots to go now. You be good till I get back. And stay away from that slug Sergeant Quirt! He's a snake in the grass!
    Charmaine: Mais oui, mon cher capitaine.
    Captain Flagg: Okay, baby. (Ace Goodman)
  • Sergeant Quirt: Hello, beautiful! Now I guess it's just me and my baby, huh?
    Captain Flagg: Hey, where'dya get that your baby stuff? She's my gal!
    Sergeant Quirt: Says you!
    Captain Flagg: [giving Charmaine a lollipop] We'll settle this right now! C'mon, baby, who's the king? (Ace Goodman)
  • Soldier: There's Sergeant Quirt. Boy, he sure knows how to get the dames.
    Sergeant Quirt: Well, I'll be seeing you later, mademoiselles. Bye! (Ace Goodman)
  • Captain Flagg: Gee whiz, you dames are expensive! Here's the last one. Now I'm broke. (Ace Goodman)
  • Soldier: I seen Sergeant Quirt, and he said he took her away from Flagg.
    Captain Flagg: Oh, yeah? Well, you tell that slug the man ain't made that can take my gal! Ain't that right, baby?
    Charmaine: Absolutely, mon capitaine. (Ace Goodman)
  • Spacek: Maybe... you like to talk? (Ace Goodman)
  • Dutch Herman: Get two horses and spreadeagle him.
    Dutch Herman: I'll show this Indian not to come around here lying to white men. (Ace Goodman)
  • Agent Batman: Let's try a true or false question: I associate with swarthy characters named Muhammar? Habib? Akmed?
    Bob Hope: You do? (Ace Goodman)
  • Roy Tuttle: You know who's looking good these days?
    Jeff Dabney: Who?
    Roy Tuttle: John Ashcroft. Mmmm. (Ace Goodman)
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  • Music is a very personal and emotional form of communication. (Trevor Dunn)