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Mr. Vargas: Are you in my class? Jeff Spicoli: I am today. (Ace Goodman) [notices Spicoli's seat is empty] Mr. Hand: Where is Jeff Spicoli? I saw him earlier today, near the first floor bathrooms, is he still on campus? Anyone? [Desmond raises hand] Mr. Hand: Yes, Desmond? Desmond: I saw him outside, near the food machines. Mr. Hand: How long ago? Desmond: Right before class. Mr. Hand: All right. Bring him in. [Desmond exits] Mr. Hand: What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside of your heads? There are some teachers at this school who look the other way at truants. It's a little game you both play. They pretend they don't see you, and you pretend you don't ditch! Now, in the end, who pays the price? YOU! [Desmond re-enters; Spicoli follows him. He has a bagel stuffed into crotch; with open shirt, barefoot, holding Vans] Jeff Spicoli: [Desmond re-enters; Spicoli follows with bagel stuffed into crotch; with open shirt, barefoot, holding Vans] Wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here! Hello, Mr. Hand. Mr. Hand: What's the reason for your truancy? Jeff Spicoli: Just couldn't make it on time. Mr. Hand: You couldn't, or you wouldn't? Jeff Spicoli: See, there was a full crowd at the food lines. Mr. Hand: Food will be eaten on YOUR time. Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you shamelessly waste my time like this? Jeff Spicoli: [long pause, but then with complete truth in his answer] I don't know. Mr. Hand: [Mr. Hand goes to blackboard and writes the words 'I Don't Know', then underlines them] [reciting] Mr. Hand: I like that. 'I Don't Know.' That's nice. [imitating] Mr. Hand: 'Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?' Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to leave your words right up here for all my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit of course, Mr. Spicoli. Jeff Spicoli: All right! (Ace Goodman) Arnold: Yeah, well, um... Brad Hamilton: I can probably get you in there. Just let me talk to Dennis Taylor. (Ace Goodman) | |
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Stu Nahan: I got this from the network. Let me ask you, what's next for Jeff Spicoli? (Ace Goodman) Jeff Spicoli: I just couldn't make it on time. Mr. Hand: You mean you couldn't or wouldn't? Jeff Spicoli: Well, there's like a full crowd scene at the food line. Mr. Hand: Food will be eaten on your time. Why are you continually late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do shamelessly wasting my time like this? Jeff Spicoli: Uh, uh... I don't know. (Ace Goodman) Brad Hamilton: Hey, you guys had shirts on when you came in here. Jeff Spicoli: Well, something must have happened to them. (Ace Goodman) Brad Hamilton: [to Stacy] Since when do you go bowling? (Ace Goodman) Perry's Pizza Waitress: Linda, Linda, there he is. There's that guy from the stereo store. Don't you think he looks like Richard Gere? Linda Barrett: Did you see his cute little butt? (Ace Goodman) Jeff Spicoli: Awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Hamilton! (Ace Goodman) Linda Barrett: In Ridgemont? We can't even get cable TV here, Stacy, and you want romance. (Ace Goodman) Dr. Miller: Twenty-five. Jeff Spicoli: Righteous bucks! (Ace Goodman) Mark Ratner: Hey maybe we'd better call first. I dunno about dropping in like... Mike Damone: What are you kidding? We're gunna surprise them. Look, just fix your collar, alright? Relax, just be cool, attitude, remember? Where'd you get that, outta the hamper? Mark Ratner: Hey, come on, this is clean. Mike Damone: Look Rat, it's like riding a bike. Fall off; you're right back on. Mess up a date, do it again. (Ace Goodman) Father Brown: Brown. Station sergeant: You sure it isn't Smith, or Jones? (Ace Goodman) Patrolman: One Bible. Father Brown: [Correcting the patrolman] One breviary. Station sergeant: One... book. Patrolman: One bar of milk chocolate. Station sergeant: One bar... of chocolate. Your glasses, please. Father Brown: Oh. Is that really necessary? I'm as blind as a bat without them. Though I often wonder whether all bats are really blind, any more than all lords drunk or all judges sober. (Ace Goodman) Father Brown: I'm disappointed in you, Bert. Parkinson: I'm sorry, Father, it was just... Father Brown: Firstly, because you did wrong. Secondly, because you did wrong in the wrong way. Frankly, you are an incompetent thief. Parkinson: Well, I wouldn't go that far. Father Brown: I would. You are clearly incapable of earning a dishonest living. Why not experiment with an honest one? (Ace Goodman) Father Brown: No, not valuable. Priceless. (Ace Goodman) | |
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