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  • Toby Lee Shavers: So, how long have you been a secret agent?
    Xander Cage: Two days.
    Toby Lee Shavers: Man that sucks!
    Xander Cage: Yeah but it beats jail.
    Toby Lee Shavers: No I mean I spent 3 and half years in some windowless NSA room. I mean I got a degree. I got a degree from MIT. And I bet they picked you up pumping iron in San Quentin?
    Xander Cage: Have you ever been punched in the face for talking too much? (Ace Goodman)
  • Gibbons: I want you to meet some people and find out whatever you can about them.
    Xander Cage: What kind of people?
    Gibbons: Dirty. Dangerous. Your kind of people. (Ace Goodman)
  • Vladimir: Well? Shall we go?
    Estragon: Yes, let's go. (Ace Goodman)
  • Estragon: Didi?
    Vladimir: Yes.
    Estragon: I can't go on like this.
    Vladimir: That's what you think.
    Estragon: If we parted? It might be better for us.
    Vladimir: We'll hang ourselves tomorrow. Unless Godot comes.
    Estragon: And if he comes?
    Vladimir: We'll be saved. (Ace Goodman)
  • Vladimir: Don't go yet.
    Pozzo: I'm going.
    Vladimir: What do you do when you fall far from help?
    Pozzo: We wait till we can get up. Then we go on. On!
    Vladimir: Before you go tell him to sing.
    Pozzo: Who?
    Vladimir: Lucky.
    Pozzo: To sing?
    Vladimir: Yes. Or to think. Or to recite.
    Pozzo: But he is dumb.
    Vladimir: Dumb!
    Pozzo: Dumb. He can't even groan.
    Vladimir: Dumb! Since when?
    Pozzo: Have you not done tormenting me with your accursed time! It's abominable! When! When! One day, is that not enough for you, one day he went dumb, one day I went blind, one day we'll go deaf, one day we were born, one day we shall die, the same day, the same second, is that not enough for you? They give birth astride of a grave, the light gleams an instant, then it's night once more. (Ace Goodman)
  • Estragon: We're all born mad. Some remain so. (Ace Goodman)
  • Estragon: [struggles to remove his boot and fails] Nothing to be done.
    Vladimir: I'm beginning to come round to that opinion. All my life I've tried to put it from me, saying Vladimir, be reasonable, you haven't yet tried everything. And I resumed the struggle.
    [to Estragon]
    Vladimir: So there you are again.
    Estragon: Am I?
    Vladimir: I'm glad to see you back. I thought you were gone forever.
    Estragon: Me too.
    Vladimir: Together again at last! We'll have to celebrate this. But how? Get up till I embrace you.
    Estragon: Not now, not now.
    Vladimir: May one inquire where His Highness spent the night?
    Estragon: In a ditch.
    Vladimir: A ditch! Where?
    Estragon: Over there.
    Vladimir: And they didn't beat you?
    Estragon: Beat me? Certainly they beat me.
    Vladimir: The same lot as usual?
    Estragon: The same? I don't know.
    Vladimir: When I think of it all these years but for me... where would you be? You'd be nothing more than a little heap of bones at the present minute, no doubt about it.
    Estragon: And what of it?
    Vladimir: It's too much for one man. (Ace Goodman)
  • Corky St. Clair: Well, it's like, how many babies fit the tyre? You know, that old joke. (Ace Goodman)
  • Corky St. Clair: It kind of reminds of me the olden days, in Paris, when men use to slap each other with white leather gloves, you know, "Oh, D'Artagnan, how dare you speak to me that way". And Smack Em'. (Ace Goodman)
  • Corky St. Clair: [during "Red, White, and Blaine production, 'Bulging River' Scene] I love you too pa. You taught me how to be a man. How to wrastle a steer to the ground and apply a fiery brand to his hind-quarters. And yes, how to love a woman. How the smell of her hair can drive a man wild! (Ace Goodman)
  • Ron Albertson: I'd wish they'd at least give us a line. I made some suggestions...
    Sheila: We should be line-DANCING. (Ace Goodman)
  • Corky St. Clair: Boy, I didn't know deers could... could do that, you know? (Ace Goodman)
  • Ron Albertson: Let me ask you something. You're a medical man.
    Dr. Allan Pearl: Yes.
    Ron Albertson: Uh... I wanna ask you something... if you... you...
    [stands up, prepares to drop trousers]
    Dr. Allan Pearl: [Horrified] Oh!
    Ron Albertson: No, I, I...
    Dr. Allan Pearl: Oh, for heaven's sake, no, noooooo...
    Ron Albertson: Look, no please, I just want...
    Dr. Allan Pearl: No!
    Mrs. Allan Pearl: You don't have to do that...
    Ron Albertson: Doctor, please...
    Dr. Allan Pearl: Mmmmmedicine Man not go near Dances With Stumpy! Noooo! (Ace Goodman)
  • Ron Albertson: I had to have penis reduction surgery.
    Dr. Allan Pearl: Penis *reduction*?
    Sheila: I said to him, "Ron, you've gotta do something!" And he says to me, "Well, why don't you get one of those vagina enlargements?" (Ace Goodman)
  • Glenn Welsch, Mayor: There's a saying in Missouri, if you don't like the weather just wait five minutes. In Blaine, with hard work, I think we can get that down to three or four minutes. (Ace Goodman)
  • Dr. Allan Pearl: [singing] Nothing ever happens on Mars/No sports or entertainment/No swinging bars/You stand around/You stand some more/On a planet named for the Roman god of war. (Ace Goodman)
  • Corky St. Clair: What the city council did was really... give me a challenge, and it's a challenge that I am going to... accept. It's like in the olden days, in the... days of France, when men would slap each other with their gloves... say, y'know..."D'Artagnan!"... y'know, "how dare you talk to me like that, you!," and... smack 'em! (Ace Goodman)
  • Corky St. Clair: I'd like you to close your eyes now, and I'd like you to try something, alright? Now what are you thinkin', what are you feeling right now, with your eyes closed
    [Blows in Dr. Pearl's ear]
    Dr. Allan Pearl: I feel a bree... a... you're blowing in my ear.
    Corky St. Clair: Okay, alright, but you see you jumped... to a conclusion!
    Dr. Pearl: Oh!
    Corky St. Clair: See, what I'm asking for is... your first feeling... was not that I was blowing on you. It was more like... Virgin Isles, or... Bahamanian...
    Dr. Pearl: Oh...
    Corky St. Clair: Or... Arubian... (Ace Goodman)
  • Dr. Allan Pearl: I think I got a, a, an entertaining bug... from my grandfather... uh, Chaim Pearlgut, who was very very big in the, um, Yiddish, uh, theater, back in New York. He was in the, the very... the sardonically irreverent..."Dybbyck Shmybbyck, I Said 'More Ham'"... and that revue I believe was 1914, and that revue was what made him famous. Incidentally, the song "Bubi Made A Kishka" came from that revue. (Ace Goodman)
  • Clifford Wooley: I had a... hankerin' to be an actor when I was a young feller when I got out of the Coast Guard, but I... I went to taxidermy school instead... well, I took a correspondence course. (Ace Goodman)
  • Libby Mae Brown: [as "Ima"] I hear that French girls... are very pretty... that they wear the finest of clothes. I also hear that they are experts... in the ways of love.
    Corky St. Clair: [as "Monty"] Ima... I'm going to fight for my country! To fight... and yes, perhaps die... so that young men from here to Timbuktu can feel the wind of freedom blowin' through their hairrrrr! (Ace Goodman)
  • UFO Abductee: They took me off into a separate room; I seen 'em takin' different people off; different ones of us off in separate rooms and put me on a big white table and uh the guy that took me in there - to examine me I guess - he probed me and then I was in there I bet more than three or four hours, in that room, being probed and at one time or another these different ones of 'em came in, four or five or six of 'em at different times, and all of 'em probed me, uh, not all at once, you know, individually. Later on, years later, now, even still, uh, it's a funny thing - it happened on a Sunday and every Sunday about the time I was taken on board that ship I - find I have no feelings in my buttocks. (Ace Goodman)
  • Libby Mae Brown: What New York really is, is it's an island, with lots of people, lots of different people... I hope to maybe meet some guys, some Italian guys, and maybe watch some TV. (Ace Goodman)
  • Libby Mae Brown: I'll always have a place at the Dairy Queen. (Ace Goodman)
  • Corky St. Clair: Everybody dance! (Ace Goodman)
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  • Look, I wasn't saying the Beatles are better than God or Jesus. ( The Beatles)

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  • Music is a very personal and emotional form of communication. (Trevor Dunn)