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Swede: Shucks I wouldn't know that. It looks like a lamp. Mr. Parker: What is a lamp, you nincompoop? Tt's a Major Award. I won it! Swede: Damn, hell, you say won it? Mr. Parker: Yeah, mind power, Swede; mind power. (Ace Goodman) Ralphie: [Reading it] Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch! (Ace Goodman) Mother: How are they going to deliver a bowling alley here tonight? Mr. Parker: They'll send the deed for cripsake. I didn't expect them to send a whole damn bowling alley. (Ace Goodman) | |
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Mr. Parker: That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator! Mother: Little pitchers! Mr. Parker: Thanks... hold it! [the furnace conks out] Mr. Parker: It's a clinker! That blasted stupid furnace dadgummit! [he walks down a few stairs and falls the rest of the way down] Mr. Parker: Damn skates! [coughing] Mr. Parker: Oh for cripes sake open up the damper will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? AGAIN! Oh blasted! Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan. (Ace Goodman) Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] I couldn't believe my own ears. Tinker Toys? She'd never buy it. (Ace Goodman) Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind. Ralphie: Schwartz! (Ace Goodman) [pulls Ralphie] Head Elf: COME ON! Santa Claus: HO! HO HO! [spins Ralphie around] Santa Claus: HOOOO... HOOO... HOO... And what's your name little boy? Male Elf: Hey, kid! HURRY UP! THE STORE'S CLOSING! Head Elf: Listen little boy, we have A LOT of people waiting here, so GET GOING! (Ace Goodman) Mr. Parker: Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian. Mrs. Parker: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, dear. Mr. Parker: Oh, yeah. (Ace Goodman) Mother: He does not! Mr. Parker: He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare! (Ace Goodman) Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Adults loved to say things like that but kids knew better. We knew darn well it was always better not to get caught. (Ace Goodman) Randy: I can't put my arms down! Mother: Well... put your arms down when you get to school. (Ace Goodman) Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Randy lay there like a slug! It was his only defense! (Ace Goodman) Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So, help me, God! Yellow eyes! (Ace Goodman) Waiter #1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: [singing] Deck the halls with boughs of horry, ra ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra. Chop Suey Palace Owner: No, no, not 'ra ra ra ra', 'la la la la'! Try again. Waiter #1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: Deck the halls with boughs of horry, ra ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra. Chop Suey Palace Owner: No, no! Sing something else. Waiter #1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sreigh! (Ace Goodman) Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick! Flick: You're full of it! Schwartz: Oh yeah? Flick: Yeah! Schwartz: Well I double-DOG-dare ya! Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare ya"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare. Schwartz: I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya! Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat! (Ace Goodman) Flick: Ah, baloney. What would your old man know about anything like that? Schwartz: He knows, because he once saw a guy stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet, and the fire department had to come get the guy's tongue off the track, because he couldn't get it off. (Randy is trying to catch up). Randy: C'mon, guys! Wait up! C'mon, guys! Wait up! (Ace Goodman) | |
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