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  • Ryan: [Ryan and Ethan are discussing a place to meet] Santa Monica Pier.
    Ethan: No, too busy.
    Ryan: Yeah, that's kind of the idea, dickhead. (Ace Goodman)
  • Ryan: It's Chloe!
    Chad: No, dude, don't do this! Don't do this!
    Ryan: I'm just gonna say "hi."
    Chad: You're not gonna say "hi."
    Ryan: No "hi"?
    Chad: No "hi."
    Ryan: I can't say -
    Chad: [shouts] Come on, man! Hold it together! This girl, she *dumped* you, all right? Have some self-respect, have some dignity!
    Ryan: You're right.
    Chad: Be strong.
    Ryan: You're right.
    Chad: Yeah.
    Ryan: Thank you.
    Chad: All right.
    [he gets distracted by girls in bikinis]
    Chad: Oh! What's goin' on, ladies? (Ace Goodman)
  • Jessica Martin: Tenth grade biology. Brachial artery... pumps 30 liters of blood a minute. There's only five in the human body. I'm sorry. (Ace Goodman)
  • WLSUU2 Lawyer: [trying to get his car out of the impound lot] Okay, fine... I'm getting out my checkbook. Who do I make it out to? "Lady Who Sucks?" (Ace Goodman)
  • Ryan: [after stealing the lawyer's car] Ohh, I am in deep shit! (Ace Goodman)
  • Chad: [seeing Ryan with a box of fliers to pass out] Haha - that sucks.
    [Ryan shoves the box at him]
    Chad: No way! This sucks more! (Ace Goodman)
  • Chad: [greeting girls at the pier] Hey Chloe. Sam. Friend with nipples. (Ace Goodman)
  • Jessica Martin: I don't know if there's anything I could ever do to thank you
    Ryan: I do. Don't ever call me again (Ace Goodman)
  • Mooney: Let him up.
    [Greer looks up and sees Mooney pointing a gun at him]
    Ryan: Help me. They're dirty cops!
    Greer: He attacked my partner. He tried to kill me.
    Mooney: I said, "Let him up."
    Greer: You're going to believe this lying piece of shit over a cop?
    Mooney: It doesn't matter what I believe. What's important is that you believe I will put a bullet in your skull if you don't let him up. (Ace Goodman)
  • Mooney: 27 years. 27 years without this shit! (Ace Goodman)
  • Ryan: It doesn't make any sense, I give you the video, then you turn around and take us out.
    Greer: I swore I wouldn't do that.
    Ryan: Just like you swore "to protect and serve"? (Ace Goodman)
  • Ryan: I'm a dead man. (Ace Goodman)
  • Mooney: We had a report of a possible kidnapping. You haven't been kidnapped today, have you? (Ace Goodman)
  • Jessica Martin: When I didn't show up for work today someone called the police, I'm sure.
    Greer: You better hope they didn't. (Ace Goodman)
  • Ryan: "Ricky Martin"? You named your kid "Ricky Martin"? (Ace Goodman)
  • Jack Tanner: I think all the chemicals from that beauty salon have gotten to your head.
    Mooney: It's a *day spa*, you fuck. (Ace Goodman)
  • Jerri: What planet is he from?
    Florence: I'm still trying to figure that out. (Ace Goodman)
  • Florence: What did you think? That I was falling in love with you? (Ace Goodman)
  • Chance: When you're a little kid you never think that you'll die. I mean, death is just some obscure esoteric thing that you see on T.V or read about in a book. Then one day you realize what it really is... and nothing is ever the same again. From that day on you're fucked. (Ace Goodman)
  • Chance: [to camera] Hold on just one little minute there, buddy. Why does the guy just assume that every post-coital argument is like, the utter, absolute end of that particular relationship? I mean, Jesus, it's not like men are not surrounded by women their entire lives - that they haven't realized that behind every angry outburst is a sobbing, insecure woman who just... wants to be told that she kicks more ass than any girl he's ever met. (Ace Goodman)
  • Chance: Milton has been a pain in my ass for the past six months. Every time I walk outside my door, he's standing there drooling! I mean, maybe someone would find shit like that flattering; but me? It just pisses me off royally! I should be able to walk outside my door without the drooler taking notes! It's a free fucking country, right?
    Milton: [to Chance] Why are you talking to yourself?
    Chance: Mind your own damn business! (Ace Goodman)
  • Mother: Excalibur! (Ace Goodman)
  • Mary-Theresa: You ever stuck anything up there?
    Mary-Beth: Ew! Like what?
    Mary-Theresa: Nothing huge or anything. Like a baby carrot, or a highlighter.
    Mary-Francis: And risk breaking my hymen without a wedding ring? I'd sooner be late to church. (Ace Goodman)
  • Mary-Francis: Honky pussy is an eccentric weed, similar to the pussy willow. I'm just wondering what honky pussy has to do with us. (Ace Goodman)
  • Mary-Marla: Black people scare me. (Ace Goodman)
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  • I fell in love with jazz when I was 12 years old from listening to Duke Ellington and hearing a lot of jazz in New York on the radio. (Steve Lacy)


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