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Quotes of Stock and Two Smoking Barrels [1998] Movie: Lock
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Eddie: They're armed.
Soap: What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what?
Eddie: Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit! (unknown)
Rory Breaker: If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kinda pussy to drink it. (unknown)
Nick the Greek: Just get me a sample.
Tom: No can do.
Nick the Greek: What's that? Some place near Katmandu? Meet me halfway, mate. (unknown)
Tom: Look, it's all completely chicken soup.
Nick the Greek: It's what?
Tom: It's kosher. As Christmas.
Nick the Greek: The Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom. (unknown)
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Big Chris: It's been emotional. (unknown)
Tom: There's no money, there's no weed. It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses. (unknown)
Rory Breaker: If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think your bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now do you understand everything I've said? Because if you don't, I'll kill ya. (unknown)
Rory Breaker: Your stupidity must be your one saving grace.
Nick the Greek: Uh?
Rory Breaker: Don't "uh" me Greek boy! How is it that your fucking stupid soon-to-be-dead friends thought they might be able to steal my cannabis and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get? Cause' Im not fucking laughing Ni-ko-las!
Nick the Greek: [shrugs nervously]
Rory Breaker: I know you couldn't have known my position, cause' you're not that stupid that if you did, you wouldn't have turned up here scratching your arse with that "what's going on here" look slapped all over your chevy chase! But what you do know is where these people live.
[rises from his chair and walks towards Nick]
Rory Breaker: If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth, or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything, I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive Nick. Now, do you understand everything I've just said? Cause' if you don't, I'll kill ya! Now, Mr Bubble and Squeak, you may enlighten me.
Nick the Greek: [nods nervously] (unknown)
"Hatchet" Harry: I don't want to know who you use, as long as they're not complete muppets. (unknown)
Soap: A minute ago this was the safest job in the world. Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia. (unknown)
Winston: Charles, get the rifle out. We're being fucked. (unknown)
Soap: OY! Keep your fingers out of my soup! (unknown)
Barry the Baptist: If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got, I suggest you get those guns. Quick! (unknown)
Gary: Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?
Barry the Baptist: Oh, you must be the brains of the operation. Yes, guns that fire shot. (unknown)
Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja here, and you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist. (unknown)
Winston: Charles, why have we got that cage?
Charles: Uh, security.
Winston: That's right, that's right, security. So what's the point in having it if we're not goin' fucking use it?
Charles: Well, I would've used it but this is Willie and Willie lives here.
Winston: Yes, but you didn't know it was Willie until you opened the door, did you?
Willie: Chill, Winston, it's me. Charlie knows it's me. What's the problem?
Winston: The problem, Willie, is that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats at the best of times. So just do as I say and keep *the fucking cage locked!* What is that?
Willie: That's Gloria.
Winston: Yes I know that's Gloria, what's that?
Willie: Fertilizer.
Winston: You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer. Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.
Willie: We need fertilizer Winston.
Winston: Mmmhmm. We also need a money counter. This money's got to be out by Thursday, I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it. Just make sure if you do need to buy sodding fertilizer you could be a bit more subtle.
Willie: What do you mean?
Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja, yah? And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking- culturalist! That's what I mean Willie. (unknown)
Plank: Ah! They fucking shot me!
Dog: Well, fucking shoot 'em back! (unknown)
John: Jesus, Plank, couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges? I can't see a bloody thi - Ah! Shit! I've been shot!
Dog: I don't fucking believe this! Can everyone stop gettin' shot? (unknown)
Little Chris: Fuckin' hell John, do you always walk around with this in your pocket?
Big Chris: Hey! You use language like that again son, you'll wish you hadn't! (unknown)
Big Chris: All right, son: roll them guns up, count the money, and put your seat belt on. (unknown)
[Discussing their careers as marijuana growers]
J: I've a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists, or Nobel Peace Prize winners or something.
Charles: Peace Prize? Ooh. Be lucky to find your penis for a piss, the amount you keep smoking. (unknown)
Tom: Well, he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling. It's not worth him giving us any trouble cause he kows we'll be a pain in the arse.
Soap: I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million quid.
Tom: You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.
Soap: Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.
Eddie: Will you two stop flirting for a minute? (unknown)
Soap: Where the fuck are they going?... Shift a piano? I thought this was meant to be a robbery.
Eddie: Where did they get those outfits?
Tom, Bacon: Not a bad idea, that. (unknown)
Dean: He's got the guns. Go ahead. You get them.
Gary: Why me?
Dean: You're supposed to be the hard case.
Gary: [shrieks] You get the guns. I drive the car! (unknown)
Soap: Rory Breaker? That psychotic black dwarf with an Afro?
Tom: That would be the same man, yes. (unknown)
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Movie: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels [1998] | [2]
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