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Quotes of Movie: Liar Liar [1997]
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Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - They are his?
Samantha: Oh yeah. One for sure.
Fletcher: After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion.
Samantha: Seven.
Fletcher: Beg your pardon?
Samantha: Seven single acts of indiscretion.
Fletcher: SEVEN! acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has any evidence and all of which he himself is responsible for. (unknown)
Fat Coworker: What's Up, Fletcher?
Fletcher: Your cholesterol, Fatty! Dead man walkin'!
Randy: Hey, Fletcher!
Fletcher: Hey! You're not important enough to remember!
Zit Boy: What'll it be, Fletcher?
Fletcher: A pock mark, eventually!
Gretta: Mr. Reede?
Fletcher: Don't ask! For God sake, don't ask! (unknown)
Max Reede: Do the claw to mom, dad, do the claw to mom!
Fletcher: Uh-oh. You've found the claw's only weakness. Subzero temperatures.
[Splatting sound]
Audrey: So did you have any trouble finding the place?
Fletcher: All right, I'm late. I ran oughta gas! The gauge is broken. Rough neighborhood too. Good thing I was wearing neutral gang colors. Might've had to rip out my nine and bust a cap! My mind on my money and my money on my mind!
Audrey: They'd never hurt you, Fletcher. You're their lawyer.
Fletcher: Ooh. That was below the belt. Try to keep the gloves up.
Max Reede: Mom, dad's taking me to see wrestling!
Audrey: Ugh. Fletcher!
Fletcher: Ugh. Audrey! (unknown)
Max Reede: I wish, for just one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie. (unknown)
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Max Reede: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.
Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say. (unknown)
Fletcher: Why don't you go play in the office a minute. Sue someone for everything they've got. Maybe you send a fax to one of your girlfriends! (unknown)
Jerry: I love you!
Audrey: Thank you
Jerry: Well, that's wasn't exactly the answer I was hoping for...
Audrey: Thank you very much? (unknown)
Audrey: Where were you?
Fletcher: Having sex.
Audrey: Well, I hope it was with someone *very* special! (unknown)
Dana: He's badgering the witness!
Judge Stevens: It's his witness! (unknown)
Driver: What's your problem, Schmuck!
Fletcher: I'm an inconsiderate prick! (unknown)
Fletcher: Jerry, enjoy my wife. (unknown)
Fletcher: I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left.
Audrey: Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were. (unknown)
Gretta: And your ex-wife called, she wants to know when you're coming to pick up your son.
Fletcher: Oh, I'm such a shit! (unknown)
Fletcher: Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra!
Dana: Your Honor, I object!
Fletcher: You would!
Dana: BASTARD!
Fletcher: HAG!
Judge Stevens: QUIET! Overruled! (unknown)
Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, is this a copy of your driver's liscense?
[shows paper]
Samantha: That's right.
Fletcher: It says here you are a blonde, are you? If you don't remember perhaps Mr. Faulk will.
Samantha: Brunette.
Fletcher: Maybe if we play the tape again, maybe it's on there...
Samantha: I'm a brunette!
Fletcher: Thank you. Now let's see... weight 105? Yeah, in your bra.
Dana: Your honor, I object.
Fletcher: You would!
Dana: Bastard!
Fletcher: Hag!
Judge Stevens: QUIET! Overruled! Weight?
Samantha: 118.
[Fletcher gives her a look]
Samantha: Alright, fine, fine, I'm 127.
Fletcher: Uh, huh, and it says here you were born in 1964, but that's not true either is it? Is it!
Samantha: No.
Fletcher: Please tell the court what's on your birth certificate under Date of Birth.
Dana: Your honor, I object. What does this have to do with anything?
Judge Stevens: Overruled. Mrs. Cole, answer the question.
Samantha: 1965.
Fletcher: Now let get this straight. That means you lied about your age to make yourself older. But why would any woman want to DO THAT?
Samantha: I changed it so I could get married.
Fletcher: AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! My client lied about her age! She was only 17 when she got married, which makes her a minor. And in the great state of California, no minor can enter into any legal contract without parental consent.
[to Dana]
Fletcher: Including...?
Dana: [sighs] Prenuptual agreements.
Fletcher: Prenuptual agreements! This contract is void! The fact that my client has been riden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. Standard Community Property applies and she is entitled to half of the marital assets, or $11.395 million. Jordan fades back, swoosh, and THAT'S THE GAME! Nothing further, your honor! (unknown)
Miranda: [coming up behind Fletcher] Fletcher.
Fletcher: [shouts] Holy hell! (unknown)
Max Reede: Look, Jerry, Dad got me baseball stuff!
Jerry: [to Max] Cool!
[to Fletcher]
Jerry: Great gift, Dad!
Fletcher: [to Jerry] Thanks, son! (unknown)
Fletcher: The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. (unknown)
[about Mr. Allen]
Miranda: Well, what do you think of him?
Fletcher: He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.
[a moment passes and Mr. Allen starts laughing. The other board members follow his lead and start laughing also]
Mr. Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast. Do Simmons.
Fletcher: Simmons is old. He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife. You've met her at the Christmas parties, she's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard, and you, Tom; you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen. You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins.
Mr. Allen: [roaring with laughter] Priceless!
[Fletcher continues with every member]
Fletcher: You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! *Slut*!
Mr. Allen: I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence!
Fletcher: Good! I'll see you later, dick-head! (unknown)
Police Officer: I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him!
Judge: Who did this?
Fletcher: A mad man, your honor, a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope.
Judge: What did he look like?
Fletcher: About 6'2", 180lbs. big teeth, kinda gangly. (unknown)
[while hearing Mrs. Cole having sex on an audio cassette]
Fletcher: Oh, come on! Your honor, how can it be proved that the male voice on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself?
Samantha: [voice on tape] You are such a better lover than my husband! (unknown)
Busty Woman on Elevator: Everybody's been real nice.
Fletcher: Well, that's because you've got big jugs. I mean your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeeze 'em. Mama!
[puckers up] (unknown)
Judge Stevens: How are we this morning, Counselor?
Dana: Fine, thank you.
Judge Stevens: And how about you, Mr. Reede?
Fletcher: I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.
[Shocked pause]
Judge Stevens: Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business? (unknown)
Judge Stevens: It is only out of sheer morbid curiosity that I am allowing this freak show to continue. (unknown)
[the lights turn on after Max makes a wish and blows out the candles]
Max Reede: Mom? Dad?
[Audrey and Fletcher are kissing]
Fletcher: MAX? Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again?
Max Reede: No. I wished for rollerblades!
Audrey: Uh... wanna cut the cake... Dad?
Fletcher: I would love to... but I have this horrible pain in my arm...
Audrey: Oh no... run ITS THE CLAW!
Fletcher: NOTHING CAN STOP THE CLAWWWW! (unknown)
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Movie: Liar Liar [1997] | [2]
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