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Quotes of Movie: Last Boy Scout [1991]
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Joe Hallenbeck: The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets. (unknown)
Alley Thug: All right, you want it in the chest, or the head?
Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, that's what your wife said.
Alley Thug: Hey, would you stop with the wife shit?
Joe Hallenbeck: Ask me how fat she is.
Alley Thug: Fuck you, man! How fat is she?
Joe Hallenbeck: She's so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Motherfucker, if you wanna fuck her you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in. Now I'm not saying she's fat, her high school picture was an aerial photograph. (unknown)
Joe Hallenbeck: This is the '90s. You don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first. (unknown)
Jimmy Dix: I figure you gotta be the dumbest guy in the world, Joe. You're trying the save the life of the man who ruined your career, and avenge the death of the guy that fucked your wife. (unknown)
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Joe Hallenbeck: Leather pants.
Jimmy Dix: Yeah.
Joe Hallenbeck: What's something like that run?
Jimmy Dix: Six-fifty.
Joe Hallenbeck: Six hundred and fifty dollars?
Jimmy Dix: Yeah.
Joe Hallenbeck: They're pants.
Jimmy Dix: Yeah.
Joe Hallenbeck: You wear them?
Jimmy Dix: YES.
Joe Hallenbeck: They don't, like, have a TV in them or something?
Jimmy Dix: Nope.
Joe Hallenbeck: I am very old. (unknown)
Milo: Can we get a formal introduction?
Joe Hallenbeck: Who gives a fuck? You're the bad guy, right?
Milo: I am the bad guy.
Joe Hallenbeck: And I'm supposed to be trembling with fear, something like that?
Milo: Something like that.
Joe Hallenbeck: Fine, I'll start trembling in a minute. (unknown)
[Jimmy is being approached by a bunch of goons]
Jimmy Dix: Right now, I'm trying to figure out which one of you looks the most like my dick. If you got something to say, say it. Otherwise get the fuck outta here. (unknown)
Jimmy Dix: Maybe I could take your daughter horseback riding. How old is she?
Joe Hallenbeck: She's 13, and if you even look at her funny I'm gonna shove an umbrella up your ass and open it. (unknown)
Joe Hallenbeck: I swear to Christ that if I survive this fucking case I'm gonna dance a jig. (unknown)
Jimmy Dix: You're a real bastard, ya know that, Joe?
Joe Hallenbeck: And then some. (unknown)
Joe Hallenbeck: You don't think the cops can help you?
Cory: Sure, after I'm dead they'll perform the autopsy. (unknown)
Darian Hallenbeck: What the hell is that number on the back of your head? What is that, like a license plate in case someone tries to steal it? (unknown)
Joe Hallenbeck: [giving Jimmy a briefcase full of $6 million] Go buy yourself a new pair of pants. (unknown)
Jimmy Dix: [to himself] Okay, what would Joe do at a time like this? He'd kill everybody and smoke some cigarettes. (unknown)
[Billy Cole's last line]
Billy Cole: Ain't life a bitch? (unknown)
[Joe Hallenbeck wakes up in his car and stares at his grubby reflection in the mirror]
Joe Hallenbeck: Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You're gonna lose. Smile, you fuck. (unknown)
Jimmy Dix: Hi, you're nobody.
Joe Hallenbeck: Shhh, don't tell anyone. (unknown)
Jimmy Dix: Man, you couldn't protect a cup of warm piss.
[throws ice at Joe]
Joe Hallenbeck: Why don't you just go ahead and hit me?
Jimmy Dix: Excuse me?
Joe Hallenbeck: Come on, chicken shit. Bust me in the chops. You don't think an old guy like me could hurt ya, do ya Jimmy?
Jimmy Dix: So now you know my name?
Joe Hallenbeck: James Alexander Dix. Quarterback for the L.A. Stallions, '89-'90. Banned from the league on gambling charges, allegations of drug abuse. Another tragic tale of wasted youth.
Jimmy Dix: [stands up from his chair] Now you're starting to piss me off.
Joe Hallenbeck: It's about fuckin' time. I'm Joe Hallenbeck.
Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe reaches out his hand, Jimmy slaps it] I'm a private detective.
Jimmy Dix: You're like a fuckin' lowlife to me.
Joe Hallenbeck: At least I didn't shit my talent away on coke.
[Jimmy tries to punch Joe, who subsequently blocks his punch and pushes him on the ground]
Joe Hallenbeck: [noticing his spilled whiskey] I spilled my warm cup of piss. (unknown)
McCoskey: Good morning, gentlemen. Is there a problem?
Milo: Yes, officer. As a matter of fact there is a problem. Apparently there are too many bullets in this gun.
[uses the gun to kill the officer] (unknown)
Mike Mathews: [about Cory] She's hot, Joe. She rates a three on my finger scale. That means I'd cut off three of my fingers if God would let me fuck her. (unknown)
[Joe has just found out that Mike was sleeping with his wife]
Mike Mathews: Look Joe, it just happened.
Joe Hallenbeck: Sure, sure, it just happened. Could happen to anybody. It was an accident, right? You tripped, fell on the floor and accidently stuck your dick into my wife. "Oops, I'm sorry, Mrs. H, I guess this just isn't my week". (unknown)
[Joe Hallenbeck is talking to a puppet on his hand]
Joe Hallenbeck: [speaking as puppet] Why did Mr. Milo cross the road?
Joe Hallenbeck: I don't know. Why?
Joe Hallenbeck: [speaking as puppet] Because his dick was stuck in the chicken. (unknown)
Alley Thug: Wrong place, wrong time. Nothing personal.
Joe Hallenbeck: That's what you think. Last night I fucked your wife.
Alley Thug: Oh you did, hah? How'd you know it was my wife?
Joe Hallenbeck: She said her husband was a big pimp lookin' motherfucker with a hat.
Alley Thug: Oh, you're real cool for somebody who's about to take a bullet.
Joe Hallenbeck: After fucking your wife I'll take two. (unknown)
Jimmy Dix: It ain't right.
Joe Hallenbeck: No, it ain't right.
[sighs]
Joe Hallenbeck: This ain't no game, flash. Real guns, real bullets. It's dangerous.
Jimmy Dix: Danger's my middle name.
Joe Hallenbeck: Mine's Cornelius. You tell anybody, I'll kill you.
Jimmy Dix: You ever watch "Soul Train"?
Joe Hallenbeck: Shut the fuck up. (unknown)
Lieutenant Benjamin Bessalo: There's a new invention out. It's called the razor.
Joe Hallenbeck: Too risky, I might start thinkin' about you and slash my wrists. (unknown)
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Movie: Last Boy Scout [1991] | [2]
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