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Quotes of Movie: Johnny English [2003]
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Lorna Campbell: What are you going to do, Johnny? Sit in this grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself, or are you going to get out there and save your country?
Johnny English: ...I'm going to sit in the flat. (unknown)
Johnny English: All right, so I was wrong about the Archbishop's bottom. (unknown)
Pegasus: Everything in order, English?
Johnny English: I think you'll find it's rather more than just in order, Sir. You are now entering the most secure place in the whole of England. (unknown)
Johnny English: A good agent doesn't need gadgets. The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, sensitive hearing and a whole bunch of bigger brains. (unknown)
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Johnny English: The only thing that France is adept at hosting is an invasion. (unknown)
Johnny English: Look pull yourself together, it's only a bit of poo. (unknown)
[Bough and Johnny fall down a large hole]
Bough: Are you all right, sir?
Johnny English: Yes, I landed on something soft.
Bough: That was me, sir.
Johnny English: Ah. Good. (unknown)
Lorna Campbell: I can't hear anything.
Johnny English: I'm into ultrasonic. (unknown)
[Johnny has just been accidentally crowned King]
Johnny English: Arrest that man! And lock him away!
[crowd cheers] (unknown)
[Johnny and Bough are in a dark tunnel]
Johnny English: It may be pitch black, but we can still see.
Bough: Can we, sir? How?
Johnny English: The Bedouin monks of the Al Maghreb mountains developed a system of sonic chanting.
Bough: I see, sir.
Johnny English: The sound of their chanting would bounce back off any obstacles, and using their highly tuned ears they could paint a mental picture of the path ahead.
Bough: Brilliant, sir.
Johnny English: However, you must always sing in E-flat.
Johnny English: [singing] Thank you for the music / The songs I'm singing
Bough: Is it working, sir?
Johnny English: Extremely well, thank you, Bough.
Johnny English: [singing] Thanks for all the joy that...
[Johnny hits the tunnel wall]
Johnny English: Ow! (unknown)
[first lines]
Johnny English: Ah, the Heckler and Koch G-36. Quite deadly in the right hands. (unknown)
[last lines]
Lorna Campbell: Aaaaaah! Johnny!
Johnny English: Oh, f... (unknown)
Lorna Campbell: [seeing Sauvage the Frenchman standing just behind English, who thinks that he's just another waiter in the party; not knowing that it's truly Sauvage, who also listens to everything they say] You obviously haven't met our host, Monsieur Savage.
Johnny English: No, thank God! You know, I think I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than exchange pleasantries with that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion.
[he chuckles, then attemps to take a drink out of his glass, but just then notices Sauvage standing right behind him, not realizing that it's actually him instead of just one of the waiters, who even just heard his insult]
Johnny English: [looking over at him] Sorry, can I help?
Pascal Sauvage: [into English's face] Pascal Sauvage.
[then faces and reaches his hand out to shake Ms. Cambell's hand]
Pascal Sauvage: The jumped-up Frenchman.
Lorna Campbell: Lorna Campbell. I've been so looking forward to meeting you.
Pascal Sauvage: Enchanté.
[English is now looking dumbstruck and stammering in embarrassment]
Pascal Sauvage: Of course, you are Johnny English. I've heard all about you. (unknown)
Johnny English: My God, what have they done to you?
Elderly Man: They've taken some of my blood.
Johnny English: The bastards. (unknown)
Johnny English: Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words "Jesus is coming, look busy"? (unknown)
Johnny English: Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words "Jesus is coming, look busy"?
Archbishop of Canterbury: Are you insane?
Johnny English: Well, let's find out, shall we? (unknown)
Pegasus: It's an unmitigated disaster, English.
Johnny English: I couldn't agree more, sir.
Pegasus: Well, we need to get these jewels back, English, and fast. Now tell me about this assailant. Because when they searched the room later, there was no sign of him.
Johnny English: Well, the man was clearly a professional. He must have escaped while the Queen was being sedated.
Pegasus: But he's the only lead we've got, English. We have to find him. Now, come in. This is - This is Roger from Data Support. Please sit down. He'll produce a likeness based on your description. So tell us, what did this man look like?
Johnny English: Um... Well... He was... big.
Roger: Hair colour?
Johnny English: Um... orange.
Pegasus: Orange?
Johnny English: Mmm. And curly. Well, frizzy, actually. Frizzy sort of thing.
Roger: Frizzy.
Johnny English: An eye patch. Broken nose. Very few teeth. Two, I would say the most. And a scar on his cheek in the shape... of a banana.
Roger: Which cheek?
Johnny English: Both cheeks. They sort of met in the middle.
Pegasus: Are you sure about this, English?
[Pegasus shows him what Roger has done on his computer of the assailant Johnny had described and he gasps]
Johnny English: Oh, yes, that's him. An uncanny resemblance. Why, it's just as if he's in the room with us. (unknown)
Pascal Sauvage: English has seen too much. We go to plan B. Get rid of the fake archbishop and greenlight the visit to Her Majesty and then this pathetic country can humiliate itself by crowning me officially. (unknown)
Lorna Campbell: Get your car keys. We've got work to do.
Johnny English: Miss Campbell.
Lorna Campbell: Sauvage is heading back to his chateau in France and he's invited 13 of the richest criminal masterminds in the world to meet him there.
Johnny English: I'm sorry, Miss Campbell. I'm off the case. It's been reassigned.
Lorna Campbell: I know. Reassigned to me. (unknown)
Carlos Vendetta: That's a letter of abdication renouncing your claims to the throne and the claims of your entire family. Sign it.
[the Queen reads the abdication sign and puts her pen down]
Queen: Never.
[Vendetta picks up the Queen's dog and threatens to shoot it. The Queen solemnly signs the abdication note] (unknown)
Johnny English: My *bottom* will be king of England before you are. (unknown)
Pascal Sauvage: All this stupid little country has to do is stand in line for one miserable day, but can it do that?
[waves rear-end around]
Pascal Sauvage: My fragrant French ass it can't! (unknown)
Pegasus: We can't afford any mistakes, English, not tonight.
Johnny English: The word "mistake", Sir, is not one that appears in my dictionary. (unknown)
Johnny English: [appears from the room, with tomato ketchup as blood] I've managed to subdue the assailant.
Johnny English: The panic's over.
Johnny English: Everything's under control. (unknown)
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