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Quotes of Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]
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Joe Dirt: Things are gonna happen for me, I'm Joe Dirt. (unknown)
Joe Dirt: [talking to himself while brushing hair in the mirror] People like that security guard. They don't really mean what they say. They just got their own issues and what not. Alls I got to do is keep bein' a good person. No matter what, good things'll come my way. Everything's gonna happen for me, just so long as I never have no in my heart.
[toilet flushes and man walks out of stall. Joe looks down awkwardly]
Joe Dirt: Right on. Things are gonna happen for me! I'm Joe Dirt! (unknown)
Joe Dirt: Comin' to work. Joe Deertay.
KXLA Security Guard: Don't try and church it up son. Don't you mean Joe Dirt? Naming you that your father must've really hated you.
Joe Dirt: You're wrong brother.
KXLA Security Guard: I got a good name for this car, rusty.
Joe Dirt: Shit'll buff out.
KXLA Security Guard: Don't bother, just drive this piece of crap off a cliff. Do us all a favor.
Joe Dirt: Does this look like a piece of crap to you? Like them spinnin' tires do you?
KXLA Security Guard: You suck!
Joe Dirt: You do! (unknown)
Joe Dirt: Well, I was born without the top of my skull and I guess a little bit of my brains was showin' and it was grossin' everybody out so my mom put this wig on me to cover it up and then the bones grew together and it got all infused and entwined. I mean I don't mean to get all scientific with you... (unknown)
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Joe Dirt: Why don't you go practice fallin' down. I'll be there in a minute.
Railroad Boy #1: You wanna fight you little queer?
Joe Dirt: Queer? Is this queer? These queer?
[slappin muslces]
Joe Dirt: Whats up? Whats up? (unknown)
Meteor Bert: Well, it ain't a meteor.
Joe Dirt: Yeah it is. It came out of the sky.
Meteor Bert: Well I'm sure it did but it ain't no meteor. It's a big ol frozen chunk o' shit.
Joe Dirt: What!
Meteor Bert: Oh yeah, see them airplanes they dump their toilets 36,000 feet. The stuff freezes and falls to earth. We call 'em Boeing bombs
[chomps teeth]
Joe Dirt: no that can't be. That's not what it is
Meteor Bert: oh, afraid so. See that peanut? Dead giveaway.
Joe Dirt: Uhhh, no, that's a space peanut.
Meteor Bert: No, afraid not. That just a big ol' frozen chunk of poopy.
Studio manager: Dude you were eating off it! (unknown)
Robby: [Robby's car sprays joe with rocks] Oh, Dirt, did I getcha?
Joe Dirt: No, I'm cool.
Robby: No your not. (unknown)
Joe Dirt: Hey man, you done with that apple core
Zeke: [farts] I'm done with that fart. You want that?
Joe Dirt: Maybe if it came out of Charlene Tilton's ass I'd take a bite.
Zeke: Yeah you probably like JR you queer. I saw your bumper sticker :Cowboy's butts drive me nuts
Joe Dirt: Is that right? You think thats queer? Is this queer?
[slapping muscles]
Joe Dirt: they're large and in charge and lookin' for chickies.
Zeke: You wanna back that up?
Joe Dirt: You wanna fight? Why don't you stick your head up my butt and fight for air.
Zeke: That's it. You and me, lets go.
Joe Dirt: You know I'd love to beat your ass all up and down this place but I gotta go back to work.
Oil Rig boss: Joe dirt, your fired. Here's your weeks pay.
Joe Dirt: Dang (unknown)
Joe Dirt: I got the poo on me! (unknown)
Joe Dirt: [Facing mirror] She's your sister dude she's gotta be and you made out with her man! What's wrong with you, you pervert!
[turns away from mirror]
Joe Dirt: Well I didn't know she was my sister when I kissed her, so it's not my fault. And she's one of the hottest girls on the planet.
[turns back to mirror]
Joe Dirt: You just said your sisters hot! What a fuhreak! You're going to hell man!
[turns away from mirror]
Joe Dirt: I gotta tell her what happened, why I got weird. And for god sakes' I gotta treat her like a sister.
[next scene, you hear them having sex] (unknown)
Joe Dirt: Buffalo Bob's kind of a weird name, but people say Joe Dirt's a weird name and how cool am I?
Joe Dirt: [talking to Buffalo Bob] Hey to tell you the truth brother, between you and me, that thing with the dog is comin' off a little fruity. I mean that's just me. Hey, where's my supplies?
[squeal of delight]
Joe Dirt: oh yeah, Auto Trader. Dang, August, I don't got this one. (unknown)
Joe Dirt: If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Jill: Sure will. Do you want to go back to my place?
Joe Dirt: Sure do (unknown)
Joe Dirt: I'm a rocker through and through. Here's a list of my favorite bands: AC/DC, Van Halen not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Leppard... (unknown)
Robby: You all right Dirt?
Joe Dirt: Yeah, I'm cool.
Robby: No you're not. (unknown)
Joe Dirt: Life's a garden, dig it? (unknown)
Joe Dirt: When bad pets go bad, dang. (unknown)
Zander Kelly: Now, you're telling me you were so ingrained with white trash DNA, your facial hair actually grows in on its own all white trashy like that? (unknown)
Joe Dirt: So your gonna' tell me that you don't have no black cats, no roman candles, or screaming mimis?
Kicking Wing: No.
Joe Dirt: Oh come on man. You got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?
Kicking Wing: No, I don't.
Joe Dirt: You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen spliters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?
Kicking Wing: No... because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.
Joe Dirt: Well that might be your problem, it's not what you like, it's the consumer. (unknown)
Railroad Boy #1: Oh - it's *so* flat! (unknown)
Joe Dirt: Turn it up (unknown)
Joe Dirt: Keep on, keepin' on (unknown)
Old Cajun Man: [In a muffled back water accent] Home is where you make it.
Joe Dirt: What?
Old Cajun Man: Home is where you make it.
Joe Dirt: You like to see homos naked?
Old Cajun man: Home is where you make it.
Joe Dirt: Oh.
[Walks away]
Joe Dirt: Guy likes to see homos naked, that doesn't help me. (unknown)
Buffalo Bob: It puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again. (unknown)
Joe Dirt: Right on. You're Joe Meteorite and I'm Joe Dirt. (unknown)
Joe Dirt: You guys got somethin' to say to me? Why don't you say it in the microphone. I got a backup mike right here. Check one two, testing, testing. Yup, they both working and guess what? they don't like no feed back, what's up? (unknown)
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Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]
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