Jerry Maguire: What are you doing with me, Rod?
Rod Tidwell: Why?
Jerry Maguire: I'm finished, I'm fucked. Twenty four hours ago, man, I was hot! Now... I'm a cautionary tale. You see this jacket I'm wearing, you like it? Because I don't really need it. Because I'm cloaked in failure! I lost the number one draft picked the night before the draft! Why? Let's recap: Because a hockey player's kid made me feel like a superficial jerk. I ate two slices of bad pizza, went to bed and grew a concience!
Rod Tidwell: Well, boo-fucking-hoo (unknown)
Laurel: Don't cry at the beginning of a date. Cry at the end, like I do. (unknown)
Dorothy: Look at me Laurel, I'm the oldest 26 year old in the world. (unknown)
Dorothy: On the surface, everything seems fine. I've got this great guy. And he loves my kid. And he sure does like me a lot. And I can't live like that. It's not the way I'm built. (unknown)
Rod Tidwell: I got a shelf life of ten years, tops. My next contract's gotta bring me the dollars that'll last me and mine a long time. Shit, I'm out of this sport in 5 years. What's my family gonna live on? Huh? (unknown)
Rod Tidwell: Anyone else would have left you by now, but I'm sticking with you. And if I have to ride your ass like Zorro, you're gonna show me the money. (unknown)
Jerry Maguire: I'm still sort of moved by your "My word is stronger than oak" thing. (unknown)
[after Tidwell makes a good play on TV]
Tyson Tidwell: Yeah! That's my mo-fo!
Tyson's mother: [gasps]
Tyson Tidwell: [suddenly guilty] Oops.
Tyson's mother: Uh-uh. Come here.
Tyson Tidwell: [does a bit scared]
Tyson's mother: How about, you be the first man in the family to stop using that phrase and then maybe we'll let you live. (unknown)
Marcee Tidwell: [upon seeing the fax] 1.5 million? Man, we owe more than that! (unknown)
Marcee Tidwell: [about everyone being so shocked at her anger] Well, I'm sorry but please remove your dick from my ass! (unknown)
Jerry Maguire: I will not rest until I have you holding a Coke, wearing your own shoe, playing a Sega game *featuring you*, while singing your own song in a new commercial, *starring you*, broadcast during the Superbowl, in a game that you are winning, and I will not *sleep* until that happens. I'll give you fifteen minutes to call me back. (unknown)
Laurel: You fuck this up, I'll kill you!
Jerry Maguire: I'm glad we had this talk. (unknown)
Rod Tidwell: You are hanging on by a very thin thread and I dig that about you! (unknown)
Ethan: Everybody loves you. Pisses me off. (unknown)
Jerry Maguire: I'm not trying to make history here. (unknown)
[Rod has just told Jerry he will keep him as his agent]
Jerry Maguire: That's that's great. I'm really... happy.
Rod Tidwell: Are you listenin'?
Jerry Maguire: Yes!
Rod Tidwell: This is what I'm gonna do for you: God bless you, Jerry. But this is what you gonna do for me, Jerry?
Jerry Maguire: Yeah, what can I do for you, Rod? You just tell me what can I do for you?
Rod Tidwell: It's something very personal, a very important thing. Hell! It's a family motto. Are you ready Jerry? I wanna make sure you're ready, brother. Here it is: Show me the money. SHOW! ME! THE! MONEY! Jerry, it is such a pleasure to say that! Say it with me one time, Jerry.
Jerry Maguire: Show you the money.
Rod Tidwell: No, no. You can do better than that! I want you to say it brother with meaning! Hey, I got Bob Sugar on the other line I bet you he can say it!
Jerry Maguire: Ye, ye, no, no, no. Show you the money.
Rod Tidwell: No! Not show you! Show me the money!
Jerry Maguire: Show me the money!
Rod Tidwell: Yeah! Louder!
Jerry Maguire: Show me the money!
Rod Tidwell: I need to feel you Jerry!
Jerry Maguire: Show me the money! Show me the money!
Rod Tidwell: I love black people.
Jerry Maguire: I love black people!
Rod Tidwell: Who's your motherfucker, Jerry?
Jerry Maguire: You're my miother fucker! Show me the money!
Rod Tidwell: Uh! Congratulations, you're still my agent. (unknown)
Laurel: I'm incapable of small talk. (unknown)
Jerry Maguire: How's your head?
Rod Tidwell: Bubblicious. (unknown)
Avery Bishop: If you ever want me to be with another woman for you, I'd do it. It's not something I'm interested in. Once, yeah, it seemed normal, but it was just a phase, a college thing, like torn Levi's or law school for you. Would you like something from the kitchen? I'm gonna get some fruit. (unknown)
Copy store clerk: That's how you become great, man. Hang your balls out there! (unknown)
Ray: D'you know that the human head weighs 8 pounds?
Jerry Maguire: Did you know that Troy Aikman, in only six years, has passed for 16,303 yards?
Ray: D'you know that bees and dogs can smell fear?
Jerry Maguire: Did you know that the career record for hits is 4,256 by Pete Rose who is NOT in the Hall of Fame?
Ray: D'you know that my next door neighbor has three rabbits?
Jerry Maguire: I... I can't compete with that! (unknown)
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