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Quotes of Movie: A Christmas Story [1983]
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Mr. Parker: What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
Mother: Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.
Mr. Parker: How the hell did you know that?
Mother: Everybody knows that! (unknown)
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] My little brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years. (unknown)
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window. (unknown)
[Ralphie is visiting Santa at the department store, only he can't remember what he wanted]
Santa Claus: How about a nice football?
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out 'football'.
Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie: [Ralphie is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up] No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid. (unknown)
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating, after BB gun shot bounces off target and hits his face] Oh my god, I shot my eye out! (unknown)
Boy in School: [Firemen come to pull Flick off pole] Holy Smokes, it's the firemen!
[Ralphie groans]
Boy in School: [policemen come] Holy Smokes, it's the cops!
Ralphie: Oh no... (unknown)
Ralphie: I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!
Mrs. Parker: No, you'll shoot your eye out. (unknown)
Mr. Parker: Where's the glue?
Mother: We're out of glue.
Mr. Parker: You used up all the glue on purpose! (unknown)
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed. (unknown)
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.
Ralphie: Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!
[everyone stares at Ralphie]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. (unknown)
Ralphie: Oooh fuuudge!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
Mr. Parker: [stunned] *What* did you say?
Ralphie: Uh, um...
Mr. Parker: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me. (unknown)
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating about diving with his brother into the gifts under the Christmas tree] We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.
Mr. Parker: Didn't I get a tie this year? (unknown)
Narrator: Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl. (unknown)
Mr. Parker: It's a Major Award!
Swede: Shucks I wouldn't know that. It looks like a lamp.
Mr. Parker: What is a lamp, you nincompoop? Tt's a Major Award. I won it!
Swede: Damn, hell, you say won it?
Mr. Parker: Yeah, mind power, Swede; mind power. (unknown)
[after cracking a secret code]
Ralphie: [Reading it] Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch! (unknown)
Mr. Parker: It could be a bowling alley!
Mother: How are they going to deliver a bowling alley here tonight?
Mr. Parker: They'll send the deed for cripsake. I didn't expect them to send a whole damn bowling alley. (unknown)
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.
Mr. Parker: That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!
Mother: Little pitchers!
Mr. Parker: Thanks... hold it!
[the furnace conks out]
Mr. Parker: It's a clinker! That blasted stupid furnace dadgummit!
[he walks down a few stairs and falls the rest of the way down]
Mr. Parker: Damn skates!
[coughing]
Mr. Parker: Oh for cripes sake open up the damper will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? AGAIN! Oh blasted!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan. (unknown)
Ralphie: Heh, I was just kidding, even though Schwartz is getting one. I guess I'd just like some Tinker Toys.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] I couldn't believe my own ears. Tinker Toys? She'd never buy it. (unknown)
Mother: All right. Now, are you ready to tell me where you heard that word?
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind.
Ralphie: Schwartz! (unknown)
Head Elf: COME ON, KID!
[pulls Ralphie]
Head Elf: COME ON!
Santa Claus: HO! HO HO!
[spins Ralphie around]
Santa Claus: HOOOO... HOOO... HOO... And what's your name little boy?
Male Elf: Hey, kid! HURRY UP! THE STORE'S CLOSING!
Head Elf: Listen little boy, we have A LOT of people waiting here, so GET GOING! (unknown)
[Mr. Parker reads a side of the box with the prize that he won]
Mr. Parker: Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.
Mrs. Parker: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, dear.
Mr. Parker: Oh, yeah. (unknown)
The Old Man: Sons of bitches! Bumpuses! (unknown)
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. Though my personal preference was for Lux, I found that Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heavy, but with a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on the other hand... YECCHH! (unknown)
Mr. Parker: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
Mother: He does not!
Mr. Parker: He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare! (unknown)
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Getting ready to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep-sea diving. (unknown)
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Movie: A Christmas Story [1983] | [2] | [3]
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