Quotes of Movie: Back to School [1986]
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Thornton Melon: Now that's what I call Marine Biology! Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes. How would you characterize "The Great Gatsby"? Thornton Melon: He was... uh... great! [television commercial] Hi there. Are you a large person? Pleasantly plump? A little on the hefty side, perhaps? Well, let's face it: Are you FAT? When you go jogging, do you leave pot-holes? When you make love, do you have to give directions? At the zoo, do the elephants throw YOU peanuts? Do you look at a menu and say 'OK'? Well, now, you can eat all you want, because at Thornton Melon's "Tall & Fat" stores, we've got you covered. That's right. Fine woolen, and woolen-blend suits and sport coats, in all the larger sizes - husky, stout, extra-stout, and the new Hindenburg line. And for you ladies we have caftans, muumuus, and our own exclusive A-frame in all colors and patterns. Yes, we have miles and miles of fabric. So take it from me, Thornton Melon, if you want to look thin, you hang out with fat people. | |
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The toy division has come up with a new doll idea to go along with our children's clothing line. We call them Melon Patch Kids. Now, the competition exploits the notion that their dolls are orphans. The Melon Patch Kids are not orphans... they're abandoned! We think it's a winner. Mr. Melon, your wife was just showing us her Klimt. Thornton Melon: You too, huh? She's shown it to everybody. Trendy Man: Well, she's very proud of it. Thornton Melon: I'm proud of mine too. I don't go waving it around at parties, though. Trendy Man: It's an exceptional painting. Thornton Melon: Oh, the painting. Security Guard: Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon. It was an honest mistake. Let's just call it a a bad day... Thornton Melon: - but a great view! You're all right, officer. Here, a little something for the kids. [hands officer cash] Security Guard: I don't have any kids. Thornton Melon: No kids? Well, get yourself some kids. Take it all. [hands officer more cash] Thornton Melon: And just remember, the best thing about kids... is making them! [explaining his "anti-pep rally"] Violent ground acquisition games such as football is in fact a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war. What's your favorite subject? Bubbles: Poetry. Thornton Melon: Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow. [limping off the diving board] I have got a really bad cramp. I've been having really bad cramps all week. Jason Melon: It's probably menstrual. Chas: Screw you, Melon! Hey, Lutz! You know who I am? Derek: Um, let me see. Uh, protruding supra-orbital ridges. [the football player picks up Derek by his shirt] Derek: Small cranium. Uh, 1300 cc brain. Hmmm. Neanderthal Man! Player #1: [to Jason] You. I want you to call his mother. You tell her he's never coming home. Jason Melon: Whoah. Hold it, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? I mean, look how many people got blue hair these days. You know? Player #1: Shut up, meat-head! Thornton Melon: Hey, take it easy, will ya? I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head. Player #1: Yeah? Wanna make something of it? Thornton Melon: Oh, no, no. I never get physical. I just get upset. And when I get upset... Thornton Melon: [points at Lou] HE gets physical. [Lou takes a metal napkin holder and crushes it with one hand] Lou: [stepping up to the player] You got a problem? Player #1: No. I haven't got a problem. Lou: Well, now you do. [Lou slugs the football player in the stomach, resulting in a full scale bar brawl with the football team] Actually, I'd like to join you, but I have class tonight. Thornton Melon: Oh. How 'bout tomorrow night? Diane: I have class then, too. Thornton Melon: I'll tell you what, then. Why don't you call me some time when you have no class? Diane: [laughs] Alright. Maybe I will. [at the diving competition] You know what you almost never see? Somebody heckling a diver. [blows an air horn just as a diver is going into his dive] Home, Sweet Home. Lou: I liked the old house better. Thornton Melon: So did I. Lou: I liked the old wife better, too! Thornton Melon: [laughs] Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache. Lou, I can't believe it. Married five years. Seems like yesterday! Thornton Melon: [sighs] And you know what a lousy day yesterday was. Professor Terguson: Is she right? 'Cause I know that's the *popular* version of what went on there. And a lot of people like to believe that. I wish I could, but I was *there*. I wasn't here in a class room, hoping I was right, thinking about it. [shouting] Professor Terguson: I was up to my knees in rice paddies, with guns that didn't work! Going in there, looking for Charlie, slugging it out with him; While [shouts] Professor Terguson: pussies like you were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, and [shouts] Professor Terguson: listening to the goddamn Beatle albums! Oh! Oh! Oh! Thornton Melon: Hey Professor, take it easy. These kids were in grade school at the time, and as for me... I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover. You remember that thing we had about 30 years ago called the Korean conflict? And how we failed to achieve victory? How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China? Professor Terguson: [rips a desk apart] Then take the fucking wall apart [shouts] Professor Terguson: brick by brick and nuke them back into the fucking stone age forever? Tell me why! How come? Say it! Say it! Thornton Melon: [incensed] All right. I'll say it. 'Cause Truman was too much of a *pussy wimp* to let MacArthur go in there [shouts] Thornton Melon: and blow out those Commie bastards! Professor Terguson: Good answer. Good answer. I like the way you think. I'm gonna be watching you. Thornton Melon: [chuckling to his classmates] Good teacher. He really seems to care. About what I have no idea. Diane: Whoever *did* write this doesn't know the first thing about Kurt Vonnegut! [cut to Thornton's dorm suite] Thornton Melon: [on the phone] ... and *another* thing, Vonnegut! I'm gonna stop payment on the cheque! [Kurt tells him off] Thornton Melon: Fuck me? Hey, Kurt, can you read lips, *fuck you*! Next time I'll call Robert Ludlum! [hangs up] Come on, this man has been under a lot of pressure. [begins screaming and pounding his fist] Professor Terguson: ...Say it!... Say it!... Say it! Thornton Melon: The answer is... [the answer hits him] Thornton Melon: ... 4? Dr. Phillip Barbay: [defeated] Right. [sees a naked women taking a shower after opening the curtain mistakenly] ... I didn't see anything. [opens the curtain again] Thornton Melon: ... Honey, you're perfect. [begins questioning] Mr. Melon, I'm only going to ask you once: [beat] Dean Martin: ...Is this your work? Thornton Melon: I can't lie to you, Dean Martin [beat] Thornton Melon: ...Yes, it is. [after answering 27 parts from one question of the final exam] No more!... I feel like I just gave birth... [beat] Thornton Melon: ... to an accountant That's Valerie Desmond. Look how tight her ass is today. The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family. Jason Melon: AAAHHH! Dad, uh... what are you doing here? Thornton Melon: I'm robbing your room! That's what I'm doing here. Thornton Melon: [to Lou] We drive 300 miles to see the kid, that's the greeting we get. Ha! Thornton Melon: [to Jason] Come here, will ya? Ha ha ha. [they both laugh and embrace] Thornton Melon: Heya. How ya doing? Hello, Philip. Dr. Phillip Barbay: What did he want? Diane: Oh! What do ALL men want? Dr. Phillip Barbay: [wryly] He wants you to dress up as Wonder Woman? Tie him up with a golden lariat and force him to tell the truth? Diane: No, just dinner, Philip. Diane: [laughs] Are you jealous of Thornton Melon? Dr. Phillip Barbay: Certainly not. | |
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