Quotes of Movie: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
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Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins. Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich. Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes Mr. Powers? I designed them myself. Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots? | |
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Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later? How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? You know, top and tails... whore's bath? Personally, before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a 'how's your father'! Some sake, Mr. Cunningham? Austin Powers: Sake it to me baby! Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he's all, "Hey quit hasslin' me cuz' I don't speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I'm like, "Just back off!" And they're all, "Get out!" And we're like, "Make me!" It was cool. It's no hassle... Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott Evil: But... Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott Evil: I'm... Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott Evil: All I'm say... Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott Evil: There gonna get a... Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott Evil: I'm... Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott Evil: I'm just... Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott Evil: Would... Dr. Evil: Sh!... Knock-knock. Scott Evil: Who's there? Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott Evil: But... Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it. I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working. That ain't no woman! It's a man, man! Mr. Powers, I would never have sex with you, ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you. Austin Powers: What's your point, Vanessa? Austin Powers: what say, you, we go out on the down and swing, baby? Yea Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to my underground Lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins, and yet, each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. That makes me angry, and when Dr. Evil get angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, and when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset people DIE! I'm gonna get you Austin Powers! It's fricken freezing in here Mr. Bigglesworth. She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride. That's Dr. Evil's cat! Vanessa Kensington: How can you tell? Austin Powers: I never forget a pussy... cat. Quartermaster Clerk: One Swedish-made penis enlarger. Austin Powers: [to Vanessa] That's not mine. Quartermaster Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers. Austin Powers: I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine. Quartermaster Clerk: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers. Austin Powers: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby. Quartermaster Clerk: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers. Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about Miss Fagina. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry. Austin Powers: No, don't be sorry, baby. You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her. Vanessa Kensington: What? Austin Powers: I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah! Vanessa Kensington: Did you used protection ? Austin Powers: Of course. I had my 9mm automatic. Vanessa Kensington: You know I meant, did you use a condom? Austin Powers: No, only sailors wear condoms baby. Vanessa Kensington: Not in the '90s Austin. Austin Powers: Well they should, those filthy buggers. They go from port to port. Yeah, baby, yeah The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it. Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers Scott Evil: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him? Dr. Evil: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death. All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism. [guard starts dipping mechanism] Dr. Evil: Close the tank! Scott Evil: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away! Dr. Evil: No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What? Scott Evil: I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out! Dr. Evil: Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't. Mustafa: You shot me! [pause] Mustafa: You shot me right in the arm! [another gunshot] Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seen that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce! Number Two: Prince Charles *did* have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced. Dr. Evil: Right, people you have to tell me these things, okay? I've been frozen for thirty years, okay? Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss! Need the info. [pause] Dr. Evil: Okay no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the 60's, I had a weather changing machine that was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is unless the world pays us a hefty ransom. Number Two: [pause] That also already has happened. Dr. Evil: Shit. Oh hell, let's just do what we always do. Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good! Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Number Two: Don't you think we should ask for *more* than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. Virtucon alone makes over 9 billion dollars a year! Dr. Evil: Really? That's a lot of money. [pause] Dr. Evil: Okay then, we hold the world ransom for... Dr. Evil: One... Hundred... BILLION DOLLARS! Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins. | |
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