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Quotes of Movie: American Pie [1999]

  • Finch: God bless the Internet. (unknown)
  • Steve Stifler: She called me and asked for my number. (unknown)
  • Steve Stifler: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking *use* them! (unknown)
  • Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful.
    College Girl: What did you just say?
    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful!
    [girl laughs]
    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Friends call me Nova as in Casanova.
    College Girl: That's pathetic!
    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Jeez you don't have to laugh at me. (unknown)
  • Jim: I would like to make an announcement. There is a beautiful woman masturbating on my bed. (unknown)
  • Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us. (unknown)
  • Steve Stifler: What did you cocks do to him?
    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You came to see me in action?
    Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!
    Steve Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached! (unknown)
  • Victoria 'Vicky': I want it to be the right time, the right place...
    Jessica: It's not a space shuttle launch, it's SEX. (unknown)
  • Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
    Kevin: You want to take this one?
    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.
    Jim: Yeah?
    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.
    Jim: Apple pie, huh?
    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.
    Jim: McDonald's or homemade? (unknown)
  • Jim's Dad: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of
    [hesitates]
    Jim's Dad: masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud.
    [pause]
    Jim's Dad: I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day. (unknown)
  • [On being sensitive]
    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
    Steve Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work. (unknown)
  • Jim: She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool! (unknown)
  • Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.
    Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style kung fu will defeat it!
    Kevin: Guys...
    Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!
    Kevin: GUYS! I'm serious! (unknown)
  • Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch.
    Finch: Single malt?
    Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it. (unknown)
  • Michelle: What's my name? Say my name, bitch!
    Jim: Michelle! Michelle. (unknown)
  • Steve Stifler: I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right? (unknown)
  • [talking about masturbation]
    Jim's Dad: It's like playing a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.
    Jim: Right.
    Jim's Dad: It's not a game.
    Jim: No.
    Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball. (unknown)
  • [discussing Kevin difficulties saying he love her]
    Vicky: Maybe the words aren't that important. It's like, I know he really cares about me, you know even if he can't say if he does. And yeah, he always talks about sex, but that's ok cause he's a guy, right?
    Jessica: He's got a dick, he's a guy.
    Vicky: Right. (unknown)
  • [while looking at a picture of Stifler's mom]
    MILF Guy #2: Dude that chick's a MILF!
    MILF Guy #1: What to hell is that?
    MILF Guy #2: M-I-L-F Mom I'd Like to Fuck!
    MILF Guy #1: Yeah dude! Yeah! (unknown)
  • [On Condoms]
    Jim's Dad: Well, they're safer than a tube sock... (unknown)
  • Jessica: You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually?
    Vicky: I've never tried it.
    Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse? (unknown)
  • Coach Marshall: I don't want any of you boys thinking, that you're gonna score. You don't score, until you *score*! (unknown)
  • Kevin: [after Stifler drinks the tainted beer] Hey Stifler, how's the pale ale?
    Steve Stifler: Fuck you! (unknown)
  • [Watching Jim's strip tease over the Internet]
    Finch: Did not just take out that chair.
    Kevin: Yup, he took out the chair. (unknown)
  • Choir singer: [to himself] Just focus on the music, think melody, let the music be my guide.
    Heather: Yeah, that'd be a start. (unknown)
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