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Quotes of Movie: Alferd Packer: The Musical [1996]

  • [reaching the Grand Canyon]



    Alferd Packer:
    Come on, we can just walk around it. It can't be that big.

  • Alferd Packer:
    The sky is blue and all the leaves are green. My heart's as warm as a baked potato. I think I know precisely what I mean, when I say it's a *Shpadoinkle* day!

  • Alferd Packer:
    And then I ran and ran as fast as I could.



    Polly Pry:
    But you made it out, right?



    Alferd Packer:
    Yeah, I hid in Wyoming for a while. I should have let them kill me.



    Polly Pry:
    Why?



    Alferd Packer:
    You ever been to Wyoming.


    [we cut and see Alferd in a deserted field]



    Alferd Packer:
    Uh, hello?



    Polly Pry:
    Oh my God! It sounds horrible!

  • Frank Miller:
    [seeing their dinner] You son of a bitch Humphrey.



    James Humphrey:
    Come on, you haven't even tried it.


    [Miller takes a mouthful]



    Frank Miller:
    You son of a bitch Humphrey.

  • [singing about Leeann]



    Alferd Packer:
    Your eyes, your smile, made my little life worthwhile. The sky was a lot more blue when I was on top of you.

  • James Humphrey:
    Hey! You're cutting into his butt!



    Frank Miller:
    Well what sort of meat do you want?



    James Humphrey:
    Well not butt!

  • George Noon:
    I know there's more to life then women. I just can't figure out what else there is. I don't need it every night, every morning'd be just fine. A little sex, that's all I'm asking for.

  • Alferd Packer:
    ...But that's not the way it happened...

  • Israel Swan:
    If you don't find a nice girl in Colorado, just remember, there's plenty of mountain sheep.



    George Noon:
    How big of mountain sheep?

  • James Humphrey:
    Fudge, Packer?

  • [interrupting the trappers' gruesome song about the joys of killing animals]



    George Noon:
    Oh, stop!



    James Humphrey:
    That's sick!



    Frenchy Cabazon:
    I agree! Nutter was singing in the wrong key!



    Preston Nutter:
    No I wasn't! It was Loutzenheiser! I was singing in E flat minor.



    Frenchy Cabazon:
    The SONG'S in F sharp major!



    Shannon Bell:
    I think they're the same thing. I mean, E flat is the relative major of F sharp.



    Frenchy Cabazon:
    No it isn't! The relative minor is three half-tones DOWN from the major, not up!



    George Noon:
    No, it's three down. Like A is the relative minor of C major.



    O.D. Loutzenheiser:
    But isn't A sharp in C major?



    Shannon Bell:
    Wait, are you singing mixolydian scales or something?



    Frenchy Cabazon:
    A sharp is tonic to C major! It's the sixth!



    James Humphrey:
    No it isn't!



    Israel Swan:
    Well, it would be like a raised 13th if anything.

  • Frank Miller:
    A horse is a horse.



    James Humphrey:
    Of course.



    Alferd Packer:
    Of course.

  • Frank Miller:
    What part do we eat?



    James Humphrey:
    Well, you're the butcher.



    Frank Miller:
    Yeah, but...



    James Humphrey:
    So, butch!

  • James Humphrey:
    can't think, can't move can't speak in complete sentences.

  • [singing]



    Israel Swan:
    Maybe we'll all get really sick. And maybe we'll all die... Sooooooooooooo, let's build a snowman

  • [about his horse, Leann]



    Alferd Packer:
    She didn't just take off. We're friends, and friends don't just take off.

  • [mocking Alferd Packer not explaining the Colorado River beforehand]



    James Humphrey:
    'Are there any more big rivers between here and Breckenridge?' 'Oh no, just the Colorado!' THE BIGGEST FUCKING RIVER I'VE SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

  • [after finding his companions slain]



    Alferd Packer:
    Okay, what are you guys doing?

  • [after Swan has been shot]



    George Noon:
    He's dead!



    James Humphrey:
    Well no kidding he's dead. His brains are lying in the snow.

  • [after spotting a sheep, George Noon starts unzipping his pants]



    Alferd Packer:
    No, to eat.



    George Noon:
    I know, I gotta take a piss!

  • Frank Miller:
    God you guys make me sick. What is this, a fucking feel good convention?



    Shannon Bell:
    Listen, we have a long journey ahead of us. Its important we all get along. Now, you're hurting people's feelings. Your gunna have to find a more constructive way to express your anger.



    Frank Miller:
    Okay. Well, fuck you! How's that for constructive?



    Shannon Bell:
    That's great, now go to time out Mister.

  • French:
    I can catch a helpless animal, skin it with my bare hands. I wake up muddy, and I go to bed bloody, 'cause I'm a trappin' man. I can brave the nastiest weather.



    Trappers:
    Weather!



    French:
    Even if it's 80 below.



    Trappers:
    Below!



    French:
    My pa was an elephant, but that's irrelevant. My ma was an Eskimo. I eat rabbits' heads for breakfast.



    Trappers:
    Breakfast!



    French:
    With beaver butt on the side.



    Trappers:
    The side!



    French:
    My mind's magnificent and my body no different. I'm full of trapper pride! Yo-ho!



    Trappers:
    Yo-ho! Yo-ho!



    French:
    Rip their fur, cut their skin with my knife. Yo-ho!



    Trappers:
    Yo-ho! Yo-ho!



    French:
    One thing's for sure, there's nothing like a trappin' life! I'm badder than the baddest sailor!



    Trappers:
    Sailor!



    French:
    I make love to women to 10 feet tall.



    Trappers:
    Good lord!



    French:
    I've got a chest of wonder and balls of thunder. I can break right through a wall. I love the sound of metal,



    Trappers:
    Metal!



    French:
    Snapping on an animal's head.



    Trappers:
    Ka-chink!



    French:
    Sometimes they scamper, sometimes they whimper, but they always end up dead.



    Nutter:
    I've always wanted to be somebody who didn't get pushed around. Now that I'm a trapper, I'm the meanest guy around.



    Frenchy:
    Second meanest! The blood of a fresh-cut rodent is as sweet as brandy wine. And the brain of an antelope tastes like cantaloupe. What a yummy life! Yo-ho!



    Trappers:
    Yo-ho! Yo-ho!



    Frenchy:
    Rip their fur, cut their eyes out with my knife. Yo-ho!



    Trappers:
    Yo-ho! Yo-ho!

  • [Noon is trying to flirt with an Indian girl]



    George Noon:
    I may look tough and mean-spirited but I'm really a sensitive artist.



    Indian Girl:
    That's very interesting.



    George Noon:
    I paint, and I sculpt with my hands.



    Indian Girl:
    That's very interesting too.



    George Noon:
    You have no idea what I'm saying, do you?



    Indian Girl:
    That's very interesting.

  • Indian Chief:
    [talks in Japanese]



    James Humphrey:
    He said...



    Indian Chief:
    Who are you assholes?



    James Humphrey:
    Oh, he speaks English.

  • Shannon Bell:
    We are from Utah.



    Indian Chief:
    Utah?


    [Bell holds out the Mormon Bible]



    Indian Chief:
    Ah, Utah.

  • Movie: Alferd Packer: The Musical [1996]

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