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Quotes of Movie: Adaptation. [2002]

  • John Laroche:
    Who's gonna play me?



    Susan Orlean:
    Well, I've gotta write the book first, John. Then, you know, they get somebody to write the screenplay.



    John Laroche:
    Hey, I think I should play me.

  • [last lines]



    Charlie Kaufman:
    I have to go right home. I know how to finish the script now. It ends with Kaufman driving home after his lunch with Amelia, thinking he knows how to finish the script. Shit, that's voice-over. McKee would not approve. How else can I show his thoughts? I don't know. Oh, who cares what McKee says? It feels right. Conclusive. I wonder who's gonna play me. Someone not too fat. I liked that Gerard Depardieu, but can he not do the accent? Anyway, it's done. And that's something. So: "Kaufman drives off from his encounter with Amelia, filled for the first time with hope." I like this. This is good.

  • Charlie Kaufman:
    There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.



    Donald Kaufman:
    Oh, God. I was so in love with her.



    Charlie Kaufman:
    I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was being really sweet to you.



    Donald Kaufman:
    I remember that.



    Charlie Kaufman:
    Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at *me*. You didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.



    Donald Kaufman:
    I knew. I heard them.



    Charlie Kaufman:
    How come you looked so happy?



    Donald Kaufman:
    I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.



    Charlie Kaufman:
    But she thought you were pathetic.



    Donald Kaufman:
    That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.



    Donald Kaufman:
    Whats up?



    Charlie Kaufman:
    Thank you.



    Donald Kaufman:
    For what?

  • John Laroche:
    [about himself] The smartest guy I know, huh?

  • Susan Orlean:
    I suppose I do have one unembarrassed passion. I want to know what it feels like to care about something passionately.

  • Valerie Thomas:
    I guess we thought that maybe Susan Orlean and Leroche could fall in love, and...



    Charlie Kaufman:
    Okay. But, I'm saying, it's like, I don't want to cram in sex or guns or car chases, you know... or characters, you know, learning profound life lessons or growing or coming to like each other or overcoming obstacles to succeed in the end, you know. I mean... The book isn't like that, and life isn't like that. You know, it just isn't. And... I feel very strongly about this.

  • Charlie Kaufman:
    The script I'm starting, it's about flowers. Nobody's ever done a movie about flowers before. So, so there are no guidelines...



    Donald Kaufman:
    What about "Flowers for Algernon"?



    Charlie Kaufman:
    Well, that's not about flowers. And it's not a movie.



    Donald Kaufman:
    Ok, I'm sorry, I never saw it.

  • Charlie Kaufman:
    To begin... To begin... How to start? I'm hungry. I should get coffee. Coffee would help me think. Maybe I should write something first, then reward myself with coffee. Coffee and a muffin. Okay, so I need to establish the themes. Maybe a banana-nut. That's a good muffin.

  • Charlie Kaufman:
    [voice over] Why didn't I go in? I'm such a chicken. I'm such an idiot. I should have kissed her. I've blown it. I should just go and knock on her door and just kiss her. It would be romantic. It would be something we could someday tell our kids. I'm gonna do that right now.


    [drives away]

  • Donald Kaufman:
    Anyway, listen, I meant to ask you, I need a cool way to kill people. Don't worry, for my script.



    Charlie Kaufman:
    I don't write that kind of stuff.



    Donald Kaufman:
    Oh, come on, man, please? You're the genius.



    Charlie Kaufman:
    Here you go. The killer's a literature professor. He cuts off little chunks from his victims' bodies until they die. He calls himself "the deconstructionist".

  • Donald Kaufman:
    I'm putting in a chase sequence. So the killer flees on horseback with the girl, the cop's after them on a motorcycle and it's like a battle between motors and horses, like technology vs. horse.



    Charlie Kaufman:
    And they're still all one person, right?

  • Charlie Kaufman:
    [voice-over] I am pathetic, I am a loser...



    Robert McKee:
    So what is the substance of writing?



    Charlie Kaufman:
    [voice-over] I have failed, I am panicked. I've sold out, I am worthless, I... What the fuck am I doing here? What the fuck am I doing here? Fuck. It is my weakness, my ultimate lack of conviction that brings me here. Easy answers used to shortcut yourself to success. And here I am because my jump into the abysmal well - isn't that just a risk one takes when attempting something new? I should leave here right now. I'll start over. I need to face this project head on and...



    Robert McKee:
    ...and God help you if you use voice-over in your work, my friends. God help you. That's flaccid, sloppy writing. Any idiot can write a voice-over narration to explain the thoughts of a character.

  • Donald Kaufman:
    Hey, Charles. I pitched my script to mom.



    Charlie Kaufman:
    Don't say pitch.

  • Donald Kaufman:
    Okay, well here's the twist. We find out that, that the killer really suffers from multiple personality disorder, right? See, he's actually really the cop and the girl. All of them are him. Isn't that fucked up?

  • Charlie Kaufman:
    Mr. McKee?



    Robert McKee:
    Yes.



    Charlie Kaufman:
    I'm the guy you yelled at this morning.



    Robert McKee:
    I need more.

  • Charlie Kaufman:
    You and I share the same DNA. Is there anything more lonely than that?

  • [at a seminar, Charlie Kaufman has asked McKee for advice on his new screenplay in which 'nothing much happens']



    Robert McKee:
    Nothing happens in the world? Are you out of your fucking mind? People are murdered every day. There's genocide, war, corruption. Every fucking day, somewhere in the world, somebody sacrifices his life to save someone else. Every fucking day, someone, somewhere makes a conscious decision to destroy someone else. People find love, people lose it. For Christ's sake, a child watches her mother beaten to death on the steps of a church. Someone goes hungry. Somebody else betrays his best friend for a woman. If you can't find that stuff in life, then you, my friend, don't know crap about life. And why the FUCK are you wasting my two precious hours with your movie? I don't have any use for it. I don't have any bloody use for it.



    Charlie Kaufman:
    Okay, thanks.

  • Amelia Kavan:
    I love you too, you know.

  • Donald Kaufman:
    A little push, push in the bush.

  • Susan Orlean:
    It's over. Everything's over. I did everything wrong. I want my life back. I want it back before everything got fucked up. I want to be a baby again. I want to be new. I WANT TO BE NEW.

  • Susan Orlean:
    Can I ask you a personal question?



    John Laroche:
    Look, we're not lost.

  • Susan Orlean:
    YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT. He's dead.



    Charlie Kaufman:
    Shut up.



    Susan Orlean:
    YOU LOSER. You've ruined my life, YOU FAT FUCK.



    Charlie Kaufman:
    FUCK YOU LADY. You're just a lonely, old, desperate, pathetic DRUG ADDICT.

  • John Laroche:
    Sometimes bad things happen and darkness descends.

  • John Laroche:
    Then one morning, I woke up and said, "Fuck fish." I renounce fish, I will never set foot in that ocean again. And there hasn't been a time where I have stuck so much as a toe back in that ocean.



    Susan Orlean:
    But why?



    John Laroche:
    Done with fish.

  • Donald Kaufman:
    [delighted] I can't believe I got shot. Isn't that fucked up?

  • Movie: Adaptation. [2002] | [2]

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