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Quotes of Movie: "You Can't Do That on Television" [
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Alanis... I... Alanis: Yes, Alasdair? Alasdair: [voice cracking] Alanis... I... Alanis: YES, Alasdair? Alasdair: Alanis... If... if you won't go with me to the network party, I'm just going to have to kill myself, that's all. Alanis: Oh, Alasdair. How touching. I really want to help you. Okay. Alasdair: You'll come? Alanis: No, I'll go. Alasdair: You'll go? Great! Alanis: I'll go and get my father's gun. Oh, Alanis? Alanis: Yes, Christine? Christine: I'm having a party for Bruce Springsteen, you wanna come? Alanis: Bruce Springsteen! How do you know him? Christine: Well, I don't. Alanis: Then how can you have a party for him? Christine: You just buy some cheesies and soda pop and watch some videos, and voila. Alanis: But he won't be there. Christine: Well that's his loss, isn't it? Alasdair: Sometimes, it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself. Vanessa, don't feed the cat under the table. Feed him on top of the table, instead! | |
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You know, Barth runs a pretty clean place here. Alasdair: Clean? You call this place clean? Why even the rats wouldn't be caught dead in here! Christine: Yeah, and even if they did they'd end up in the burger mix anyway. Mr. Shidler: Where does the school board find them and why do they send them to me? Valarie: He has a point. Lance: Don't encourage him! Executioner: Ready! Aim! Jono: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Stop the execution! Executioner: What is it this time? Chris you were our first born, then you Jill, you were our second born and Christian, you were our first. Christian: Really? Valarie: Yes! Our first BIG mistake. Jono: You mean you're gonna let me go? All right! Blue skies, fresh air, open horizons, Barthy burgers, girls! Christine: I just don't know! You know, Christine, I was just thinking... Christine: That's odd. [Ross comes onto the main set, playing a ukelele and singing. He gets on one knee near the cast all sitting there watching. Christine interrupts him] Ross, what are you doing? Ross: What do you mean 'what am I doing'? This is a ukelele. I'm telling you, everybody played a uke when I was a kid. Christine: Come on, Ross. Get with it man. Today's sounds are electronic. You know, guitar power? [the rest of the cast agrees] Ross: Oh, you mean like this? [Using the ukelele, he mimes playing an electric guitar for about 10 seconds, while the guitar solo break from Heart's 'Magic Man' is used. When he stops, he shakes his head] Ross: Nope. I don't like it. [Gets up and walks off playing the ukelele as he did before and singing] Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That on Television. Another in a long series of sour notes. [Catches Brodie trying to sneak into class] You're late again. Thought you could sneak past me, Osome? Brodie: No sir. Mr. Shidler: Listen. do you have a note from your father? Brodie: Yeah. [singing loudly] Brodie: MMMMIIIIII! Mr. Shidler: [Clearing out his ear] Whoo. You got me that time, kid. You're lucky your father is an operatic star. [Valerie and Lance are sitting at the dining room table, Lance drinking a glass of scotch with the bottle next to him] Lance, I really think you're exaggerating. My mother doesn't hate you, dear. Lance: That's what you think. Valarie: Well Lance, if she hated you, she wouldn't have brought you that lovely bottle of scotch back from her trip to Inverness. Lance: Oh I admit that the bottle of scotch was very nice. I admit that, but it's what she brought Alasdair that proves she hates me! Valarie: [At that, Alasdar comes into the room playing a set of bagpipes badly, then grabs Lance's glass of scotch and leaves] You know, you may have a point there, dear. Attention, can anyone tell me what the three 'B's are? [Underlines an upper-case B on the blackboard. Brodie raises his hand] Mr. Shidler: Brodie? Brodie: The Boss, the Beatles, and the Beach Boys. Lisa: No. It's Black Sabbath, the Blue Oyster Cult, and the B52s. Yeah. Justin: No no no. How classless of you two. Everyone knows that the three 'B's are Beethoven, Bach, and Brahms. Mr. Shidler: Wrong! You're all wrong. The three 'B's are the worker, the drone and the queen 'bee'. [Draws two small 'e's next to the 'B'] Mr. Shidler: This is a science class. You forgot. you kids have nothing but music on your minds. [They all start humming, and Mr. Shidler joins in] [Everyone in class is playing an instrument badly] Hold it. Cut. CUT! [They stop] Mr. Shidler: You know, sometimes, I wish I were like Beethoven. Brodie: Is that so you can write beautiful music for us to play? Mr. Shidler: No! Beethoven was deaf. Brodie: Well I think that can be arrainged, sir. [They all start playing badly again, this time louder] [Sees Brodie come in wearing a baseball uniform, and carrying a violin on his shoulder as one would do a baseball bat] Hey Brodie, what's happening. You going to play baseball? Brodie: I was, but my dad cornered me and ordered me to go home and play my violin. Christine: Well, that's a drag. What are you going to do now? Brodie: Compromise. [Throws a ball in the air, then bats it with the violin] Now class, as we are going on a field trip, it's most important we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me, what are the four natural elements of the universe? [Lisa raises her hand] Mr. Shidler: Lisa? Lisa: Earth. Mr. Shidler: Right. That's one. Um, Kevin? Kevin: Uh, air. Mr. Shidler: That's right. That's two. Uh, Christine? Christine: Um, fire! Mr. Shidler: Right. And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is? Vanessa: Yeah, but I'm not going to. Mr. Shidler: Well, Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know. Vanessa: Well, either way, I get something dumped on me. [Gives in] Vanessa: Okay, water. [And you know the rest] Mr. Shidler: Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile. [Alasdair and Vanessa are dragging a piece of carpet through the woods] [Yelling at them] Mother Nature: Will you kids stop dragging that clean carpet through my muddy forest? Alasdair and Vanessa: [Together] Aww, but Mother Nature? Mother Nature: [Still yelling] And don't talk with your mouths empty! Alasdair and Vanessa: [Together] We're sorry. Mother Nature: [Still yelling] And stop being so polite! [Alsadair kicks her in the shin] Mother Nature: [Smiling, speaking pleasently] That's very good. So tell me Lisa, did you enjoy your trip to the Grand Canyon? Lisa: Oh I sure did, and Moose the whole time I was there, I couldn't help thinking of you. Christine: Oh, really? Well that's nice. What made you think of me? Lisa: Well, you and the Grand Canyon are so very much alike. Shallow and dirty, and most of all, very very wide at the bottom. [Stomps her feet and giggles] You know Lisa, when you were talking about the Grand Canyon before? Lisa: Yeah? Christine: Well, you remind me of the Colorado River. That's the river that runs through the Grand Canyon. Lisa: Oh, you mean I'm miracle and romantic? Christine: [Laughs] No. You're wet, twisted, loud, and you run on forever. [Laughs and stomps her feet, stepping on Lisa's foot] [Vanessa enters the arcade with a large bear claw around her neck on a string. Blip stops her] Hold it kid. [Indicating the bear claw] Blip: What is this? Vanessa: It's my lucky bears foot. My dad got it for me on a hunting trip. It helps me win video games. Blip: Helps you win video games, eh? I'm soory kid, but you cannot come in here with that. Vanessa: Why not? Blip: Can't you read the sign? [Points to it] Blip: No 'bare' feet in the arcade. [Points towards the exit, and she leaves dejectedly] Hay Vanessa? Vanessa: Yeah Alasdair? Alasdair: Teddy Roosevelt was a famous sportsman, and Ernest Hemingway was a famous hunter. Can you name a famous camper? Vanessa: Yeah, my parent's Winnebago. Lisa: [Pops out of her locker] You know, how can you let Vanessa answer any more of these questions? Her jokes are terrible. Vanessa: I wouldn't talk, Lisa. Christine: [Pops out of her locker] That's all she can do. [Goes back in] | |
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