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Quotes of Movie: "The Red Green Show" [1991]
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If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting... and all this lawyer stuff has got me thinkin', maybe later tonight, if you present me with your briefs, I'll recommend a merger. Well, your dad taught you about the birds and the bees, didn't he? Red Green: No, he just gave me a book by Mickey Spillane called "Kiss Me Deadly" and he said this is what married people do. I thought he meant shoot each other and have car chases. Welcome to "Harold's Handy Crafts" where crafty hands make handy crafts! Where there's smoke, there's fire; where there's fire, there's Ranger Gord; where there's Ranger Gord, there's... nothing... | |
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If a person could find a better way to kill bugs, they would not only get rich, they'd probably get a lot more dates. Red Green: All right... aware. Dalton Humphries: Sober. Red Green: Touchy. Dalton Humphries: Feely. Red Green: Touchy-feely. Dalton Humphries: Richard Simmons? Red Green: Compared to you, your wife is more... Dalton Humphries: Overweight. Red Green: Emotionally, she's more... Dalton Humphries: Weepy! Red Green: No, she notices things more, because she's... Dalton Humphries: Picky. Red Green: You would never say to your wife that she's picky, overweight or weepy because... Dalton Humphries: Castration? Red Green: The vertical hold on your television set. Dalton Humphries: Sensitive. [singing] Oh, I know a guy with a car named Sue, he was the butt of many jokes / He had named his car after his wife, 'Cause it's hard to start and it smokes. Harold Green: Be the best you can be... considering. Edgar Montrose: I saw that one. You know, the native guy was okay, he should have got the Oscar. But the rest of it... was a yawn. Now what they needed there was for one of those buffalo to get backed up with methane, catch his hoof on a piece of flint, go off like a big furry grenade! KA-BOOM!... Talk about your burgers to go. We have a condom machine at school. It's always broken, but it's fun to think about. Where does cheese come from, anyway? Red Green: I'm not sure but I think butter comes from leaving milk out too long. Harold Green: Maybe cheese is butter that has been left out too long... Red Green: Yeah, could be... but I always thought cheese was a urine product. No, maybe that's cheez-whiz. Having a groovy pajama party - bring all your Abba albums. If repetition wasn't a good thing, why would people get married? Men are like gas, they take up the space available. [explains why men don't ask for directions when they're lost] Primarily, it's a pride thing: we're out there in our own vehicles, burning gas, got the sunglasses on, looking good. People seeing us going by would have no idea where we are. And we're not really excited about sharing that information. A man does not embrace the concept of going up to total strangers and saying, "You may not know this, but I'm a moron," whereas the woman he's with is only too happy to share that information. I think that helps ease her burden a little. See, to a woman, getting lost on a trip is just a blameless act of nature. But to a man, it's a sign of personal failure. He knew where he was when left; he doesn't know where he is now. Somewhere along the way, he crossed the line between the world he knows and the world he doesn't know. And that's exactly how he felt about when he got married, and when he had kids. So if he admits he's lost in his car, he's gonna have to admit he's lost in those other areas as well. That's way too much to ask. So just sit there, bite your tongue, circle the block a couple of times. Men aren't lost, they just take the long way. Two things you need at a bar is ice and water; water for mixing drinks and ice to drop into people's shorts and into their hats, depending on where their hangover is. You're watching "The Red Green Show" and nobody can stop you. I was in a war. Oh yeah, the big one: the Gasoline Price War of '69. I had lied about my age so I could get a job pumping gas at a Lloyd's Texaco. Then all "shell" broke loose. The Dutchman dropped his price by a nickel. We had to fight back, so we took the big hit and dropped our price down six cents. The war was on. Why, we started handing out hot dogs and balloons just to keep the customers. By the end of August, the entire station was under siege: people parking their cars outside, firing off their horns, screaming for free tumblers and nobody to hold them off except me and one-legged Lloyd. But we did it, and we won, and it made a man out of me. And I guess that explains the stain on my pants. [Reads a poem called "Tiny Shoots"] Tiny shoots come out of the ground. Crocuses, tulips and daffodils rise to a height of 2 1/2 inches and are frozen in time, not by a late frost, but by a dirty lawnmower. [Enters the room, gagging] Blecch! Hmm. Well, I have no idea what we did wrong, but our first batch of homemade beer did not taste all that great. Harold Green: Well, Uncle Red, did you boil and sterilize all the beer vats and beer bottles? Red Green: How do you mean? Harold Green: Well, you gotta boil everything to make sure all the germs have been removed. Red Green: Well, we wipe them on our shirts. Our shirts are clean. [sniffs his sleeve] Harold Green: Uncle Red, you gotta make sure the canisters are perfectly sterile. Red Green: Harold, the only thing perfectly sterile up here is Old Man Sedgwick. Besides, how can you boil a hot tub? Harold Green: Okay, but you know what happens when you get in one of those unwanted nasty little germs and bacteria... Red Green: Yeah, they end up producing your show. [singing] Oh, my uncle has a dairy farm; a man who likes to putter/He slipped and fell off the roof one day and landed in the butter/He flipped and flopped for an hour or more 'til he was rescued by his wife/She warned him that butter is bad for his health, but he claims it saved his life. There are two kinds of people: those who do things and those who write manuals. [Introducing the show] Here he is, the small medium, Mr. Lodge, Red Green! Red Green: [Entering and waving] Thank you very much and thanks for tuning us in. [to Harold] Red Green: Small medium? What was that all about? Harold Green: Well, you know. Don't you get it? Small, medium, lodge. You know, it's like a dwarf psychic at a resort. Or it could be clothing size: small, medium, lodge. Red Green: Yeah, you know, I wish I had an extra lodge. I'd send you into it. The gas siphon - you'd probably use this at the mall while your wife is inside shopping. There's only two things that excite a man, expensive toys and real expensive toys. | |
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