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Quotes of Movie: "The Kids in the Hall" [1988]
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What is it? Husband: It's a chicken... but it's also a kid. It's a chicken-kid. Hi, I'm just writing a letter to someone in the hospital. You know it's always kinda hard to find the right words to say. You know, somehow "How's the weather in the hospital? Sure is nice outside" just doesn't work. But you gotta try, you know, you gotta show your concern. So here's what I got so far: "Dear Guy, I clotheslined as you went by on your bicycle. You don't know me, but I'm the guy who broke your collarbone. Now, I've asked myself over and over, why did I clothesline that guy? Perhaps I watched too much slapstick as a kid and expected you to get up after being violently assaulted. Imagine my confusion when you did not. Although not so confused that I'd actually hang around. In all fairness, it was pretty funny. I mean, the last thing you'd expect as you were riding merrily by on your bike is that someone you didn't know at all would stick out his arm and crush your throat. I mean, you really should've seen it, it was just like, wham! Bam! [chuckles] Dave: Anyway... in closing, as you lay there convalescing in your hospital bed, I'm forced to wonder, what were you doing riding your bike on the sidewalk anyway? Huh, ya asshole? SideWALK? Maybe sometimes we bring heartache upon ourselves. Signed, the guy that collapsed your trachea." You are American? Tourist: No, I'm a Canadian. It's like an American, but without the gun. I was born in that house. And you know what? I intend to die there. Oh, I don't live there anymore, but that's where I'm going to die. Die in the house where I was born. Sort of a dream of mine. So, whenever I'm feeling a little bit sick, I just come down here. You know, just in case. Right now, I've got a bit of a cold, but it could escalate. | |
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[Mark and Scott dressed as cowboys walk into a bar] Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Scott: Yeeeeeeeeep. [Scott reaches into his vest and pulls out a wad of cash] Mark: Ladies and gentlemen! [singing] Mark: He's gonna give away a thousand dollars! Someone's gonna get a thousand dollars! Who d'ya think's gonna get a thousand dollars? [shuffling toward people and pointing at them] Mark: Could be you or it could be you 'cause... Someone's gonna get a thousand dollars! Who d'ya think's gonna get a thousand dollars? He's gonna give away a thousand dollars! Scott: [Scott moves towards Bruce, who is seated at a table and points at him] Yep! Mark: [singing once again] You're gonna get a thousand dollars! [Scott gives Bruce the cash] Mark: He just gave you a thousand dollars! Count it up! Bruce: Thanks! Mark: Yep. Yep. Yep. Scott: [Scott reaches into his vest once again, but this time pulls out his fist, clenched] Mark: [singing] Someone's gonna get a punch in the head! Who d'ya thinks gonna get a punch in the head? What are the odds? I can't believe it. Here I am, stranded on a desert island. And my only supplies are my favorite book - "All About Rhoda" by Peggy Hertz from Scholastic Press. And my favorite album - Johnny Mathis and Denise Williams: "That's What Friends Are For." I always like to have an ex-lover's music around; Denise is good, too. And, for companionship, the one and only Oscar Wilde. Oscar, say something funny. Oscar Wilde: Shall I? Buddy Cole: Yes, do your stuff. Do the "Wilde" thing. Oscar Wilde: Well, Buddy, I recall as I laid dying in my death bed, I came out of my stupor momentarily and declared with perfect aplomb, "Either that wallpaper goes or I do!" [laughs] Buddy Cole: Oh, that was rich, Oscar! Oh, jeez, let me catch my breath for a second. Oh, oh, I am so glad that I brought you and not someone common. Oscar Wilde: Message received, Buddy. You know, Buddy, the trouble with the common man... Buddy Cole: Yes? Oscar Wilde: ...is that he is so unbearably common! [laughs] Buddy Cole: Oh Oscar, funny, but you're such a snob. Oscar Wilde: Oh, that's my charm. Buddy Cole: Oh, oh, it's really too bad that you're dead. Oscar Wilde: Oh, I know. Buddy Cole: Does it bother you? Oscar Wilde: Well, you know Buddy, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. [laughs] Oscar Wilde: What? Philadelphia! Buddy Cole: That's funny, but W.C. Fields said it. Oscar Wilde: Well, yes, if you had been listening to me correctly, Buddy, what you would have heard me say was, "I may have been born yesterday but I still went shopping." Buddy Cole: That was me. Oscar Wilde: Oh, yes, yes. [Coughs] Oscar Wilde: Well, I seem to be getting a bit of laryngitis, Buddy. I'm afraid there'll be no more quipping today. Buddy Cole: Oscar, please, stop with the laryngitis nonsense. You're pathetic. You would have never lasted on television. I'll bet what you really said on your death bed was something more like, "Shit!" You know what I love about you? Your constancy. You haven't changed one bit in 20 years. Jean: Oh, I have. Hildy: No, you haven't. Jean: Yes, I have. I'm more afraid of change and I'm less tolerant of other cultures. I once shot a man just to watch him die. Then I got distracted and missed it. I figured, "How far could I coast on charm?" Well, pretty far actually. Say Mr. Greene, I hear you manage a baseball team. Greene: No. I'm a vaudevillian. McGillicuty: No, I think you manage a baseball team. Greene: Yes of course, yes I do manage a baseball team. McGillicuty: I understand some of the players have rather strange nicknames, rather silly pet names the players have nowadays. Greene: Yes, it's true. In fact, I have the team roster with me right here. For instance, Hu is on first base, Watt is on second, and Iduno is on third base. McGillicuty: Who's on first base? Greene: Yes. McGillicuty: Who? Greene: Yes, who is the man on first base. McGillicuty: Why are you asking me; I'm asking you. What's the name of the guy on first base? Greene: No no, Watt is on - oh, I see what your problem is. Look, you're confused by their names, because they all sound like questions. McGillicuty: I dunno. [whispers] McGillicuty: Third base. Greene: Well, I'll explain it to you. See, on first base is Hu, Samuel Hu, and you're probably not familiar with that name because his grandfather was Chinese. And on second base is Hector Watt, W-A-T-T Watt, and that's not so unusual because James Watt invented the steam engine. And on third base is Phil Iduno, I-D-U-N-O, and if you do say that fast, it does sound like the phrase "Gee, I dunno," but it's actually Iduno, Phil Iduno. McGillicuty: That's it. You're hopeless, you're pathetic, you're the worst straight man I ever worked with. I quit. I should have never saved you from those seals. Greene: What are you talking about? I auditioned for this job. The only thing worse than not having a job is looking for one. The moon is bright... over Lebanon tonight, the Lebanese moon looks down, shim sham shacam, cattle explode, cow shrapnel drips off tree into mother's tear for little boy who goes on into battle and comes back dead, or worse, a *man*. Ready the anal probe. Alien #2: Anal probe is ready. Alien #1: Commence anal probing. Let me guess, this is... Jed? Hecubus: No. No. This is Julio. AAAI-YI-YI-YIIIIIII. Sir Simon Milligan: Now we're cooking with EVIL gas. Now Julio, how long have you been in the brain, may I ask? Hecubus: I have... okay I can't take it - it's still Fred. I got you. I got you good. Hahaha. Sir Simon Milligan: ...eeevil. We've been coming here for 50 years and performing anal probes, and all that we have learned is that one in ten doesn't really seem to mind. If I can't keep Mr. Stevenson, I'm gonna hold my breath until I turn gay. Paul Bellini: [dances on the Kids' grave, sniffing a lily] Thank God, that's finally over. Kathie: Tanya. Tanya. What are you doing? Tanya: Photocopying my breasts - I'm going back to stripping. Kathie and Cath: [to themselves in unison] Temp slut. Temp slut. I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head. Crush. Crush. Wanna know somethin'? [Runs up to the camera] Girl: It's a fact. The Queen of England doesn't know her ABC's anymore. [Ducks] Queen Of England: [singing] A-B-C-D-X-P-Q, R-X-Y-D... [spoken] Queen Of England: Hello. [sings] Queen Of England: R... E... [sings] Queen Of England: Rule, Brittania. Girl: [comes back up] Sad, eh? She's old. It's a fact. [Runs off] I'm sorry, but naked, fat, black, crippled dykes are hard to come by. So it was a good movie. It wasn't a great movie, but how often do you see a great movie? Man #2: Oh, I saw a great movie last night. Yeah, it was on the late show. It was... um... uh... uh... oh, what was it called? It's a classic. It's... um... uh... oh, I hate this! I hate it when this happens! Man #1: Well, what was it about? Man #2: Uh, it's about this newspaper tycoon and he's dead and everybody's telling stories about him and... Man #1: It's "Citizen Kane." Man #2: No, that's not it. No, no, no, no. But it's something like that. It's uh... it's um... Man #1: Okay, who was in it? Man #2: Orson Welles is in it. And it's called... Man #1: Then this is "Citizen Kane." It's "Citizen Kane." Man #2: No, that isn't it. That's isn't it, but you're not far from it. It's uh... Man #1: Well, who else was in it? Man #2: Uh... I don't know. Man #1: Was Joseph Cotten in it? Man #2: What else has he been in? Man #1: "The Third Man," "The Magnificent Ambersons"... Man #2: Oh, "The Magnificent Ambersons!" Yes! Yes, yes, he was in it! Yes! Oh, that's one of my favorite Orson Welles movies! Man #1: Well, this is definitely "Citizen Kane," then. You're talking about "Citizen Kane." Man #2: No... no, no. But it's... it's something like that. The difficult thing about being a mass murderer isn't the murdering part. It's the mass part. It's the pace you've gotta keep up, the sheer volume of murdering. 'Cause the funny thing about killing: After the first time you've killed, the second time it's easy. The third time you start to get cocky, so you gotta be careful. You know, you gotta stay humble or you make dumb mistakes. And, oh, by around the seventh time you're likely to feel like you're in a bit of a rut. Want to get artistic with it, you know, start cutting off the middle toe of each victim so you'll be known as "The Middle Toe Murderer." By that point, I don't know, I think that's showboating. You know, you gotta ask yourself: "Who am I doing this for? Am I doing it for myself or for the press?" Around about the twentieth murder, well, you're likely to be sick of the whole thing. You know, sometimes I don't even want to look at another corpse. I feel if I even see a chainsaw, I'll scream. It's like what happened the other day: I had just finished ending a human life in a senseless act of violence when I run into this old friend of mine from high school. And he says, "Hey! Whatcha been doin'?" And I think to myself, "What HAVE I been doing? What am I doing with my life? Where's this leading? Am I gonna be doing this at fifty?" Sometimes I think I really should go back to college. An optimist says, "The drink is half full." A pessimist says, "The drink is half full, but I might have bowel cancer." Gordon, what are you doing up, hon? It's after two o'clock in the morning. Gordon: It's that salty bloody ham! Fran: The ham we had at dinner? Gordon: Yes! Was there another ham? Fran: You didn't like it... Gordon: No, I didn't like the ham, dear. It was a little bit salty, thanks. Fran: Well, you certainly wolfed enough of it down. Gordon: I didn't wolf it down. A man works all day, he expects a normal ham meal, not Goddamn bastard brine! Fran: I don't know what could have gone wrong... Gordon: Well, SOMETHING did! Fran: I didn't do anything different... I went down to Deatrix and picked myself up a choice six pound Virginia ham. Gordon: Did you drop it in SALT on the way home, perhaps? | |
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