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Quotes of Movie: "The Jack Benny Program" [1950]
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That's like keeping the smog and throwing away Los Angeles. Don Wilson: I don't think you know how much it means to me to do the commercial. After all I'm not a funny man. I can't sing or dance. I don't lead a band. What are you paying me for? Jack: Don, you're hanging yourself. I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them. When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it. When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here. [Puts hand on heart] Rochester: Yes, that's the spot all right. You almost had a heart attack when they laughed at Bob Hope. | |
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Liberace: What do we have for dinner? Cook: We have some breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks. Jack: Breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks? Liberace: Would you like to stay for dinner, Jack? Jack: Well, only if you have enough. I'd hate for you to run out to the zoo just for me. I'm entitled to one phone call, ain't I? Gimme a dime I'll go down to the drugstore. Jack: Oh, no you don't. You'll make your call here where I can keep an eye on you. Bob: And save a dime. What about the difference in our ages? Jack: Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine. Marilyn Monroe: I know, Jack. But what about twenty-five years from now when I'm fifty and you're thirty-nine? Jack: Gee, I never thought of that. Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?" I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me. Jack: I can't understand it. On your show you always win. Perry Mason: Maybe my writers are better than yours. What do you think of this card I wrote for Don? "To Don from Jacky, Oh golly, oh shucks. I hope that you like it, It cost forty bucks. Rochester: It would've been hard to rhyme a dollar ninety-eight. Jack Benny: We're a little late, so good night, folks. Where's that big glass star I told you to pack away last Christmas? Rochester: You mean that shiny one with the three points on it? Jack Benny: That star has five points. Rochester: Well, it went down two points this last year. Stationmaster: Train leaving on Track Five for Anaheim, Azusa and Cucamonga. Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.' Jack Benny: I'm thinking it over. You're gonna give us $10,000, or we're gonna break both your legs. Jack Benny: Does it have to be both? Jack: Hey, wait a minute. What kind of make up is this? Rochester: Well, you said you wanted something to make you look nice and tanned. Jack: I know, but peanut butter? [Audience laugh] Jack: I want to look tanned, not lumpy. Rochester: [checking his equipment] Shaving cream, brush, razor, smelling salts. Jack: Smell?... What do I want with smelling salts? Rochester: That's for me. I can't stand the sight of blood. Rochester: Oh oh. Jack: What's the matter? Rochester: I think I cut you. Jack: What do you mean, you think? Can't you tell? Rochester: It would help if you bleed a little. [on being on a CBS show] I feel like Zsa Zsa at a P.T.A. meeting. By the way, this is where Bing did his last show and I think they've done very nicely. They've gotten most of it out of the curtains. [finding some coins tied with string in Jack's trousers] When you ask this kid for a loan, and he says his money is tied up, he isn't kidding. This is an obstacle course for pickpockets. [poking his head through the stage curtains] Bob, will you please give me my pants back? Bob Hope: Put your head back through there, or I'll start handing out baseballs to the audience. [Poking his head through the curtains] Bob, Bob, quick, give me Jack's pants Bob Hope: Why do you want Jack's pants? Don Wilson: Because I had to give him mine. Bob Hope: You mean, Jack's actually wearing your pants? Jack: [out of shot] Darn right I am. Bob: Welcome to the Lucky Strike Program. In just a few minutes, you'll see our star, Gypsy Rose Benny. | |
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