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Quotes of Movie: "Saturday Night Live" [1975]
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We went to this little restuarant on the upper east side call Aboo Dabby which you know in Italian means... Kathy Lee Gifford: [makes hand motions] "Affection". Regis Philbin: No, no, it's actually "abundance". Kathy Lee Gifford: Oh, ok. "Abundance". [makes another hand motion] Regis Philbin: And there was so much food, that at one point Gail looked at me and said, "You expect me to eat all this?" Kathy Lee Gifford: [starts jumping up and down in the seat] Oh. Oh, what did Gail say? What did Gail say? Regis Philbin: I, I just told you what Gail said. [On Weekend Update] LaToya Jackson. What does it take to be known as the 'crazy' member of the Jackson family? Welcome. I'm Julia Child. Today, we're going to make a holiday feast, and we're going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fat roasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets - and you really should save the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you can save the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if you have a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a delicious liverwurst which you can spread on a cracker - a Ritz cracker, a Saltine... or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread... or if you're celebrating the Jewish holidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend... if someone's getting married or bar-mitzvahed... am I saying that right? Bar-mitzvahed? Or, if you have a little cat or a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don't throw it away! I hope I've made my point. Don't throw the liver away. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Anyway, it's time to bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can't do nothing without a sharp knife! [She holds chicken and cuts along it with a sharp knife] Julia Child: Now, you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pug nose like so... [She suddenly drops the knife ] Julia Child: Crap! Oh! Oh, now I've done it - I've cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I'm glad, in a way, this has happened... [Blood squirts out of her hand onto the chicken] Julia Child: We have never really discussed what to do. First, we must stop the bleeding. [She holds her apron over her hand] Julia Child: The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so... [Blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen] Julia Child: Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn't pump all the way up. [Blood continues to squirt, going everywhere] Julia Child: Well, the apron doesn't seem to be working, so I recommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver... [picks up the chicken liver] Julia Child: Remember not to throw away the liver! [Blood gushes over the chicken liver] Julia Child: Oh, God, it's throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made, using a chicken bone... [She wraps a towel and a chicken bone around her hand] Julia Child: Find a pressure point between the heart and the wound - in this case, the wrist - and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because you could lose your hand if you tighten it too much! [the blood keeps on squirting. She starts to get a little woozy] Julia Child: If you're too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might call Emergency Help - there's not much time left... [She hobbles towards the phone on back wall and picks it up] Julia Child: Now, every kitchen phone should have the Emergency number written on it somewhere... [She looks at her phone ] Julia Child: This one doesn't! 9-1-1! [She tries to dial the number, but can't] Julia Child: Oh, this phone is a prop, it doesn't work! [She drops the phone, becoming increasingly woozy] Julia Child: That's a shame, because I'm remembering a time when I was a little girl and I... had a dog named Admiral... and I used to give him liver... and my mother gave me a doll... [She starts tipping from side to side and stares blankly at the audience] Julia Child: Why are you all spinning? Uh... I think I'm going to go to sleep now... bon appetit... [She falls headfirst onto the counter on top of the chicken, but manages to jump up one last time] Julia Child: Save the liver! [She falls back onto the counter and twitches before dying] The Continental: Wow. Wowee wow wow wow. | |
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Bobbi and I once faced the terrors of tripping on pot. [picture of Vice Presidential Candidate Dan Quayle] What's the difference between these two spherical objects? Eventually, the one on the left will have a light in it. [laughter and applause, some ooohs] Dennis Miller: [turns to camera] Sorry, Dan-o, you make it too damn easy. [laughs] [after Jon Lovitz returns to the "Weekend Update" desk to lick his face] Licked by Lovitz... what concentric circle of hell is that? Stuart Smalley: ...because I'm good enough, smart enough, and - doggone it - people like me! Let's just go to Final Jeopardy, shall we? The category is; I can't believe this, the Final Jeopardy category is 'Famous Mothers'. Sean Connery: Hah, Hah, Hah; My day has finally come, Trebek. Darn it, Debbie! You are not going to spoil my visit to Disney World! Now, I didn't say anything at "It's a Small World" when you went on about low birth weight in babies or during the fireworks when you started talking about Feline AIDS... Debbie Downer: It's still the number one cause of death among domestic cats [frustrated, Lindsay leaves] Debbie Downer: By the way, don't forget the sunscreen. I had a mole looked at the other day and the doctor said that based on the size and shape of the edges, I am flirting with that melanoma thing. [everyone else at the table gets up to leave] Debbie Downer: OK, I guess I'll meet you all later at my favorite ride; The Hall of Presidents. You know they never did catch that anthrax guy. Good evening. I'm Joe Piscopo. This year marks the 20th anniversary of the death of President John F. Kennedy. We've brought together these three people to share with us their members of the day they learned that President Kennedy had been shot. Jim, let's start with you. What were you doing when you heard President Kennedy had been shot? James Belushi: Well, I was in college and I was walking across the quad to call and this guy runs up and says 'President Kennedy has been shot', so I... Joe Piscopo: Wait; how old are you? James Belushi: I'm 26. So anyway, I went looking for a TV and... Joe Piscopo: Wait a minute. You're telling us you were in college at age 6? James Belushi: No, I was 19. Anyway... Joe Piscopo: WAit a minute! You didn't know President Kennedy had been shot until eight years ago? James Belushi: Well, hey now; you know, I was busy with school and girls and playing sports and stuff and I really wasn't into current events. Joe Piscopo: I can't believe this. Mary, when did you find out President Kennedy had been shot? Mary Gross: Well, Joe; in light of what just happened, I'm ashamed to admit that Jim told me right before the show started. James Belushi: [Chuckling] What a dork, eh Joe? Joe Piscopo: I can't believe this! This was one of the most important events of the 20th century and you people are totally clueless! Tim Kazurinsky: [shocked] Wait a minute! President Kennedy is dead? How? When? Joe Piscopo: Yes! My God, He was shot in Dallas! Tim Kazurinsky: Oh, no! No! Please, No! [Begins crying uncontrollably and hanging onto the other guests] Tim Kazurinsky: President Kennedy is dead! Joe Piscopo: [shaking his head] This is Joe Piscopo; good night. Knock, knock. Alex Trebek: Who's there? Sean Connery: Me, the guy who slept with your mother last night! [interviewing Anne Heche] So, Anne; you call yourself "bisexual". I guess that means that when you reach your little hand down the front of someone's pants, you're happy with whate-e-ver you find. [Announcer: Z-105] AND WE'RE BACK! Uh oh, we got a special guest in the house. Your old co-star from Full House, Dave Coulier, just walked in. Hey how's it going, Dave? [as Sanji] Jimmy Fallon: Hello, Mr. Coulier. [as Tyrone] Jimmy Fallon: Yo what up, D.C.? [as himself] Jimmy Fallon: Can you do me a favor, Dave? Can you talk like Bullwinkle for me? I love when you do that? [as Bullwinkle] Jimmy Fallon: Hey Mayr-Kate and Ashley, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat. [as himself] Jimmy Fallon: Ah man, he's doing Bullwinkle. That's awesome, man. [as Bullwinkle] Jimmy Fallon: And one thing I remember about Mary-Kate and Ashley was that when they were on the set, they were always pooping their pants. Ashley Olsen: We were babies. Jimmy Fallon: [blows raspberry] Oh they're at it again! I've never seen this. Mary-Kate Olsen: Okay, we're gonna go. Jimmy Fallon: [Blows another raspberry] Oh you ARE going. You keep going. Oh my God, gross. We'll be right back. [Nadine is working the exchange desk at a department store] Sir, what happens when you cook greens on low heat? Customer #1: Uh, you simmer them? Nadine: Opposite of up? Customer #2: Uh, down? Nadine: Not later but...? Customer #1: Now? Nadine: [slams hand on counter] [shouts] Nadine: Simma down now! Simma down! Lighten up, Church Lady. You act like you haven't had your ticket punched since Ike carried his own golf clubs. Folks, we got our intern Sanji joining us. Now Sanji loved your movie. What do you think, Sanji? [In Indian accent] Jimmy Fallon: Ra da da da da da da da da da. Oh my God, I loved New York Minute. I love it, my favorite movie. Ashley Olsen: Thank you, Sanji. Jimmy Fallon: [as Radio DJ] No wait a minute. Sanji, you actually liked the movie? [as Sanji] Jimmy Fallon: Oh yes. New York Minute, a very good movie. Ra da da da da da da da. [In black accent] Jimmy Fallon: Yo, Sanji, hold up. [In regular voice] Jimmy Fallon: Uh oh, Tyrone Washington, our weather guy is just joining us. [as Tyrone] Jimmy Fallon: Yo, Sanji, the only reason why your Arab ass liked that movie is because it was set in New York and it was a bomb. [as himself] Jimmy Fallon: Now Tyrone, come on man, that was below the line. [as Sanji] Jimmy Fallon: You son of a bitch, I am not an Arab. I told you this many times. [as Tyone] Jimmy Fallon: Oh yeah then why do you got a turbin on your head? [as Sanji] Jimmy Fallon: I told you I am a sheik. Why do you wear that Mets jersey? You play for the freaking Mets? [as another man] Jimmy Fallon: I think Sanji's gonna blow up the place, y'all. [as Tyrone] Jimmy Fallon: I will kill you! [as Sanji] Jimmy Fallon: I don't know what to do. Ra da da da da da da. [as himself] Jimmy Fallon: Hey guys, guys, guys. Calm down. Calm down. Colin Quinn: That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Good evening. I'm Lawrence Flyshacker, and welcome to, "The Real Story." Tonight we continue our series on the U.S. Presidents. You know history often whitewashes itself? For example, for years it was thought that Thomas Jefferson was a man, and that his wife slept around... whereas we now know the opposite to be true. Tonight we'll go behind another of history's myths to learn, "The Real Story." Abraham Lincoln: [Lincoln enters Ford's Theatre box, loudly and apparently drunk] Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse me. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. [plops into his seat] Abraham Lincoln: Sorry I'm late, guys, but I was freeing some Negroes! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! General: That's perfectly all right, Mr. President. Abraham Lincoln: [Throwing his arm around his wife's shoulders] Hey, hey, hey, is this a First Lady or WHAT, huh? I just hope I'm her first man! Mary Lincoln: Abraham, please, the play! Abraham Lincoln: Oh, I've seen it five times, Mary... Theatre patron: Yeah, well, some of US haven't! Abraham Lincoln: [stands up and jeers him] Oh, well, hey, pardon me, pal, huh? What am I, just the President of the United STATES! Abraham Lincoln: [loudly eating a candy bar; audience shushes him] SORRY! Oh, hey, I love this part! I love this. Watch this. Listen to how she tells this jerk off. Watch this. Abraham Lincoln: [calls toward the stage] Hey, hey! You tell him, honey! YEAH! WHOOOOO! [sits back down] Abraham Lincoln: Some people, they just don't know how to enjoy theatre. Theatre patron: Hey, quiet down, will ya? Abraham Lincoln: [stands up] Hey, stick it here, pal! [knocks drink and popcorn off balcony] Abraham Lincoln: Whoa! Theatre patron: Watch it! Abraham Lincoln: Hey, I'm sorry, pal! Look, send me your cleaning bill! To my GETTYSBURG ADDRESS! Ah, ha ha ha ha! General: Mr. President, Mr. President, I understand that the young woman taking the role of Sarah tonight is the talk of Washington. Abraham Lincoln: Oh, yeah? [looks through opera glasses] Abraham Lincoln: WHOA, YEAH! Hey, I thought mine eyes had seen the glory, but get a load of that babe! [stands up and waves toward stage] Abraham Lincoln: Hey, hey, hey, angelpuss! Whooo, whoo, whoo! Up here, huh? Theatre patron: [Confederate accent] Will you shut up, suh? Abraham Lincoln: [stands up] Hey, hey, you gonna do something about it? Theatre patron: I may, suh! Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, you and what Confederate Army, cracker-barrel? Theatre patron: I warned you, suh! Abraham Lincoln: [losing temper] Yeah, well, why don't you come up here and do somethin'? What, what are you gonna do, shoot me, pal, huh? Host: And the rest is history. Please join us next week on "The Real Story" for "Hiroshima: Insurance Fraud of the Century". In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women's condom. The condom works by fitting snugly over a woman's wine glass. Kevin Nealon: I'm Kevin Nealon and that's news to me. Did he say anything about people getting hurt? Lorne Michaels: He said something after the ratings thing, but I really wasn't listening. Chevy Chase: Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not. Now, I think the deficit is like a crazy old aunt that lives in the cellar: everybody knows she's down there, but nobody wants to talk about her. Well, I say bring her on up and give the bitch a good hosing. Get out of here before I love you too much... GET OUT. | |
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