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Quotes of Movie: "Roseanne" [1988]

  • Becky:
    All I have to do is count to ten.



    Darlene:
    Don't wear mittens. It'll slow you down.

  • Roseanne:
    This is why some animals eat their young.

  • Darlene:
    No, I'm serious: I think we should get married.



    David:
    Oh, I get it, now you're gonna tell me you're kidding.



    Darlene:
    Nope. Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.

  • [Darlene is on the phone]



    Roseanne:
    Get off, now.



    Darlene:
    Why are you picking on me for?



    Roseanne:
    'Cause I can't find Becky.

  • [on their new neighbors]



    Jackie:
    So, they're like, really old?



    Roseanne:
    Well, let's just say they don't have trouble remembering where they were when President Lincoln was shot.

  • [All of the kids have left for school]



    Roseanne:
    Quick, they're gone. Change the locks.

  • Dan:
    Okay, we have thirty minutes to make this house clean.



    Darlene:
    Rub a Lamp.

  • Roseanne:
    Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.

  • [Having just met their new neighbor, Kathy Bowman]



    Jackie:
    Maybe she was a little uptight.



    Roseanne:
    A LITTLE uptight? Hey, man you couldn't drag a needle out of her butt with a tractor.

  • Bev:
    Where do you keep your citrus fruit?



    Roseanne:
    I think there's an orange under the dryer...

  • D.J.:
    Do we have to go in the Big and Fat store?



    Dan:
    That's Big and TALL, DJ.

  • [Darlene and Dan discuss her drug use]



    Darlene:
    Oh, come on, Dad, do you really think what I did was that bad?



    Dan:
    Yes.



    Darlene:
    Give me a break. You grew up in the '60s, I've seen the photo album. I mean those clothes had to have some pharmaceutical explanation.

  • Becky:
    What's all this fuss about Mother's Day? I don't remember us getting like a Kids' Day.



    Dan:
    Someday, my precious angel, you too will be a parent and then you will realize that every day is Kids' Day.

  • Jackie:
    Mom drank while she was pregnant with us.



    Roseanne:
    Oh, Jackie, after a few months in Mom, we probably needed a shot or two.

  • Roseanne:
    [discussing bad songs from the 70's] Remember "Baby, Baby, Don't Get Hooked on Me? I'll just use you then I'll set you free."? Use me and I'll set you on fire, you bastard.

  • Dan:
    You're in my way, Mark. Do you want to move or do you want me to move you?

  • Mark:
    God, everyone's so afraid of getting sick, nobody'll even come near me. I feel like a leopard.

  • [why she doesn't want to kick Becky and Mark out]



    Roseanne:
    Well, I just hate to see them struggle.



    Dan:
    Fair enough - we won't visit them.

  • Mark:
    I'm sorry for making you sick, Mrs. Conner.



    Roseanne:
    Oh, it's not your fault, Mark. Becky never should'a married you.

  • [to Darlene, about drug use]



    Roseanne:
    There are better ways to aggravate us than by frying your brain cells. Look at Becky: she never did drugs. She married Mark.

  • D.J.:
    I thought it was good to be a man.



    Dan:
    Oh no, not since the 1960's.

  • Leon Carp:
    You love me, right?



    Scott:
    I love you in a way that is mystical and eternal and illegal in 20 states.



    Leon Carp:
    That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

  • Roseanne:
    Here I am, 5 o'clock in the morning, stuffing breadcrumbs up a dead bird's butt.

  • Roseanne:
    Well I'll snap your spine in half like a potato chip, ya bitch!

  • Dan:
    Ah Fred. When doing a background check on a girlfriend it's rarely wise to ask the brother-in-law. Especially when his wife is the ham-fisted Roseanne.

    • Movie: "Roseanne" [1988] | [2] | [3]
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