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Quotes of Movie: "Phoenix Nights" [2001]

  • [Max is almost run over leaving a French Supermarket with a trolley full of alcohol]



    Max:
    Hey. Le Beer. Le Dickhead. Watch it son.

  • [a group of students are causing trouble in the club]



    Brian Potter:
    Right you lot out. Before I knock you out. Sling it go on, you aren't welcome. All of you leave.



    Stu:
    I'm not going till I get a refund.



    Brian Potter:
    Did you here that Kenny? You best make him a bed up.



    Stu:
    I want my money back.



    Brian Potter:
    I want to moonwalk son, but life's a shithouse. Out.

  • [Repeated Line]



    Brian Potter:
    I don't know whether you've noticed but I'm disabled.

  • [Max is trying to purchase a watch from Armchair Superstore]



    Max:
    Hello... I'd like to order the divers watch... the divers watch love... the one with the light... I don't know love... I can swim.

  • [Dougie Hayes has delivered a giant inflatable penis]



    Dodgy Eric:
    Well what do you think?



    Brian Potter:
    It's not a bouncy castle.



    Dodgy Eric:
    You never said a castle.



    Brian Potter:
    I said I wanted an inflatable.



    Dodgy Eric:
    It is an inflatable.



    Brian Potter:
    Inflatable filth.

  • [talking about the inflatable Penis]



    Jerry St Clair:
    We're not having that.



    Brian Potter:
    You're damn right Jerry, we're not having that go on take it back.



    Dodgy Eric:
    But Brian...



    Brian Potter:
    It's a family fun day man, there's kiddies running around. They can't go jumping up and down on a love length.

  • [discussing what to do with an Giant Inflatable Penis]



    Young Kenny:
    Can't we disguise it?



    Brian Potter:
    Yeah we can, we'll put a wool hat on it and say it's you.



    Dodgy Eric:
    It's not what it looks Brian.



    Brian Potter:
    Not what it looks. Not what it looks. It's a twenty-foot cock and balls man. It don't look like nothing else, it's not happening.

  • [Max produces a package]



    Paddy:
    Have you done us a packed lunch?



    Max:
    Have I.


    [Opens package to reveal a gun]



    Paddy:
    What on earth is that?



    Max:
    That my friend, is a German Broomhandle Mauser.



    Paddy:
    I'm not using that...



    Max:
    Why, what's wrong with it?



    Paddy:
    It's an antique that's what it is.



    Max:
    Hey. It's not an antique. There's nothing wrong with that. It was my granddad's. He shot a German with this.



    Paddy:
    Was that in the Second World War?



    Max:
    No, it were in Benidorme. He had a row over a sun lounger.

  • [receiving a prank telephone call]



    Brian Potter:
    Sick. Animals. Laughing at death, half past three in the bloody morning.

  • Brian Potter:
    I have a dream, people, I have a dream. If we build it, they will come.



    Les:
    Build what?



    Brian Potter:
    A new Phoenix.



    Jerry St Clair:
    Here we go again.



    Brian Potter:
    Bigger, better, faster, stronger, rising out of the ashes. A superclub, a King of clubs only this time we'll have it all. A restaurant, a bistro - we'll serve food.



    Jerry St Clair:
    Food eh?



    Brian Potter:
    But not just any old food Jerry. Proper food - scampi, chicken Kievs, garlic bread...



    Max:
    Garlic bread?



    Brian Potter:
    Garlic bread, that's right Max. Garlic bread - it's the future, I've tasted it.

  • Brian Potter:
    What's the matter with you, man?



    Jerry St Clair:
    What's the matter with me? I'll tell you what's the matter with me. Me first week as licensee, I'm stood here looking like a gay Satan cos somebody sold all me clothes on t'jumble. I've been rolled round t'car park all day dressed as a hernia and I've got 12 people in casualty with rubber burns.



    Brian Potter:
    Rubber Burns? Weren't he a Scottish poet?

  • Jerry St Clair:
    ...and what made you apply for this job?



    Spencer:
    The DSS.



    Jerry St Clair:
    And why do you think I should give it to you?



    Spencer:
    Because it will be the DSS paying me wages and it won't cost you a penny.



    Jerry St Clair:
    Really?



    Spencer:
    Yeah.



    Jerry St Clair:
    When can you start? Welcome to the Phoenix, Spencer lad.

  • 'Crimetime' Presenter:
    Police probe Leeds girl's snatch. Can you help?

  • [Brian has been told over the phone that the club has burnt down and someone was inside]



    Max:
    All we need to know Mr. Potter, did he have false teeth?



    Brian Potter:
    False teeth? How the pissin' hell am I supposed to know if he had false teeth?


    [laughing on other end of phone]



    Brian Potter:
    Who is this?


    [realizing it's a prank]



    Brian Potter:
    I know who ya are, who are ya?

  • Brian Potter:
    We've got to grab the cow by the horns and pull together.

  • Brian Potter:
    It just came to me in a dream, like St. Paul on the road to Domestos.

  • Brian Potter:
    There is a horse in my cabaret suite.

  • Brian Potter:
    I want to speak to the organist, not the monkey grinder.

  • Jerry St Clair:
    [discovering the Captain dead] He's dead, Brian.



    Brian Potter:
    Oh, my God! He can't be dead! Who's going to do the door? Who's going to do the door?

  • Brian Potter:
    [finding the dead body of the Captain] Put him in the Pennine Suite.



    Jerry St Clair:
    Why?



    Brian Potter:
    Why? Because in here's murder. Next door's natural causes.

  • Dodgy Eric:
    [about the Bucking Bronco] I'll give you a week's free trial while I get your table fixed, then she's got to go to the European Finals in Dusseldorf.



    Brian Potter:
    Dusseldorf? Oh, good. You can take "das fruit machine" back with you.

  • Brian Potter:
    Hey, toilet-mouth! There's a child's bike outside!

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