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Quotes of Movie: "Not the Nine O'Clock News" [1979]
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Savage, why do you keep arresting this man? Constable Savage: He's a villain, sir. Sergeant: ...A villain. Constable Savage: And a jailbird, sir. Sergeant: I know he's a jailbird, Savage, he's down in the cells now! We're holding him on a charge of being caught in possession of curly black hair and thick lips! [looking at scaled down model of bathroom set with toilet and shower on the scene] A shower isn't as much use as a toilet is it? Well let's stick another toilet in there then! Salesperson: But you've already got one sir! [pause] Salesperson: How about this heating rack? It can go just here... Buyer: For drying towels and things? Salesperson: That's right, yes. Buyer: A heating rack isn't as much use as a toilet is it, really? Salesperson: [laughing] Well, I suppose not, no... Buyer: [takes out rack] , well let's put a toilet there then! [puts toilet in in its place] Salesperson: [confused] Um, three toilets... Buyer: Ah yes - in case of blockage. Buyer: [slightly later in scene] The bath's taking up a lot of room isn't it? Salesperson: Well it is a bathroom sir! Buyer: No, I prefer a shower. [removes the bath and puts a shower in] Buyer: Put it here and we'll have a couple of toilets in there as well [insert two more toilets] Salesperson: [bemused] That's now six toilets... Buyer: I'll stick a toilet in the shower as well, kill two birds with one stone as it were. Salesperson: That's now seven toilets... Buyer: Do you have anything else? Salesperson: No, I'm afraid you've used up our entire stock! Scalper: Psst... here... want a couple of tickets for the Osmonds concert tonight? Man: Osmonds concert? No. Scalper: Yeah...! Best seats, no rubbish, front stalls. Man: How much? Scalper: Fiver each? Man: Alright. Scalper: Two front stalls... [hand the man two tickets] Scalper: and five and five... [hands the man two five pound notes] Interviewer: Professor, can Gerald really speak as we would understand it? Prof. Timothy Fielding: Oh yes, yes. He can speak a few actual words. Of course it was extremely difficult to get him even to this stage. When I first captured Gerald in the Congo, '67 I think it was... Gerald, the Gorilla: '68 Prof. Timothy Fielding: '68. Umm... there was an awful lot of work to do. He was enormously slow and difficult. I had to do a lot of work with him on a sort of one-to-one basis... Gerald, the Gorilla: [interrupting] Yes, yes, if I might just butt at this point Tim, I think I should point out that I have done a considerable amount of work on this project myself and if I may say so your teaching methods do leave a bit to be desired... Prof. Timothy Fielding: That's a bit ungrateful, isn't it? Gerald, the Gorilla: ...and your diction for instance... Prof. Timothy Fielding: I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Can I put this into some sort of perspective? When I caught Gerald in '68 he was completely wild. Gerald, the Gorilla: Wild? I was absolutely livid! | |
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I didn't see the point of him writing letters, I mean they either ate them or wiped their bottoms on them. Gerald, the Gorilla: Look, I know you've never got on with my mother. Prof. Timothy Fielding: Well, she didn't exactly like me either, did she? Gerald, the Gorilla: She got on perfectly well with David Attenborough. Prof. Timothy Fielding: David Attenborough! All I ever hear is David bloody Attenborough! Gerald, the Gorilla: Let's leave Dave out of this. Prof. Timothy Fielding: Oh, shut up and have a banana! Gerald, the Gorilla: All right, then, I will. I went to evening classes. Prof. Timothy Fielding: Oh, shut up about your bloody evening classes, Gerald! Gerald, the Gorilla: As Aristotle once said... [speaks Greek] Prof. Timothy Fielding: You arrogant little bastard, you're wrecking my life's work! Trampling around the garden... eating daffodils! Gerald, the Gorilla: I do *not* eat daffodils. Prof. Timothy Fielding: Well, somebody does, don't they? Interviewer: Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for. Professor, Gerald, thank you very much. A Daffodil: He bloody does eat daffodils, you know. [opens a back door and shouts] Why don't you grow up, you little bastards? Various roles: What's the matter, dear? Various roles: Nothing, I'm just talking to the plants. I've got your results back from the lab, and you have the highest level of cholesterol they've ever seen. Man: Oh. Doctor: I know this is premature, but when you die, would you consider leaving your body to me? Man: Well, obviously, if I can be of any help. For research purposes? Doctor: No, I want to hang you in the garden so the blue-tits can peck at you. | |
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