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Quotes of Movie: "Mystery Science Theater 3000" [198
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I've asked Joel if he'd raise the level on my sarcasm sequencer. Joel: [using screwdriver on back of Tom's dome] That ought to do it. Tom Servo: Oh, yes. Oh, while you're at it, why don't you keep digging into my back? A warm, relaxing massage with a screwdriver? Oooooooh, sign me up for that! Crow: I think it's working. Tom Servo: The great Crow speaks? Oooooooh, let me anoint your beak with scented oils. Membership in the Crow Fan Club? Oh, it's dream come true for me. Ooooh... Magic Voice: Commercial sign in fifteen seconds. Tom Servo: Commercials? Oh boy, I can't wait. Thirty-second materialistic sound bites that insult our intelligence? Ooooooh, give me more of those! Joel: Uh, I'm gonna have to adjust Tom's sarcasm sequencer. We'll be back after that. Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... commercial sign now. Tom Servo: Oh, is the great Joel Robinson going to honor me with his attention? A blessing in disguise? I don't think so! Oh, did a little harder, Joel, I can't feel the pain yet. Crow: You've got him uh, set on uh, constant sarcasm, and you're gonna want to have him on random. Pretty much, I think. Joel: Uh, duh, no kidding. Yeah, I put him on random sarcasm, so he'll only be sarcastic at the appropriate time. Like uh, when someone mentions, uh, like, uh, Pia Zadora? Tom Servo: Well, actually, I think making fun of her has become a clichĂ?. Everybody does it. And you know, in her favor, she was in a John Waters film, you guys. Joel: Okay, well, what about... ummm... Dan Quayle? Tom Servo: Oh, look, Dan Quayle scares me as much as the next guy, but everybody and their sister has come up with a sarcastic Dan Quayle quip. It's just too easy. Joel: I'm not even gonna mention Gallagher, then. Tom Servo: Ooooooooooooh, he is my absolute all-time favorite! Oh, paying money to have watermelon sprayed all over you? Oh, give me more of that. Oversized props mixed with undersized talent? Oooooh, put me in the front row. Excuse me, Mr. Shopkeeper? Can I trade in my volume of Annotated Shakespeare for a tape of "Melon Crazy"? Oh, please, may I? Ooooooooooooooooh! Joel: What do you think, sirs? [a character looks directly at the camera] Crow T. Robot: What do you, the viewers at home, think? There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo. | |
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The director boldly mixes tedium with un-scariness. Uh, genocide has a "C" in it. [singing] I'm just a lonely boy... Mike Nelson: Why does that not surprise me? Mike Nelson: We've got movie signs! Mike Nelson: Cambot, give me rocket number nine. [as she is shoveling bacon into her mouth] Mmm, I just love it when it's so warm and crispy! Mike Nelson: Yeah, evidently. [about a man who just had his arm ripped off] And ironically he collapses into an arm chair Hey, they're doctors, but they do puppet shows, too! What do you want for Christmas, Crow? Crow T. Robot: I wanna decide who lives and who dies! This sounds like video poker music! Crow: That was the sound of the director giving up and leaving. Uh, genecide has a 'C' in it. Uh, suicide has a 'U' in it, sir. Well, just come to see what you've done with all the grant money... [shouts] Crow T. Robot: Oh, my God! Ah, it does my heart good to see Cro burnt beyond all recognition! Oh, Frank, it's time for this week's invention exchange. [Frank enters crying, wearing two boards with an odd assortment of pills glued on] Dr. Forrester: Oh, accept the pain, Frank! [to Joel] Dr. Forrester: You've heard the expression, "That's a hard pill to swallow"? Well, our invention exchange this week is just that - some hard pills to swallow. Uh, turn Frank. And cough. [Frank does so] Dr. Forrester: [points to pill] See this pill right here? It shold be easy to swallow, shouldn't it Frank? Yes, it should be except for the three-pronged fish hook attached to it. [points to another one] Dr. Forrester: This one - I'm not going to kid you - this is *very* difficult to swallow. It's a Not-So-Tiny Time pill, complete with a living gerbil. TV's Frank: [shouts] Terry, no! Dr. Forrester: Oh, Terry, yes! If you can keep this one down, you'll have a pet that knows you inside and out. If you have trouble keeping one pill down, try our pill necklace of piptric acid - one-hundred and five capsules on a string. Keep that gag reflex active 'til the cows come home - the longer it takes to swallow, the harder it gets. [with evil glee] Dr. Forrester: Yes, and the children? TV's Frank: [shouts] Not the children! Aw-haw-haw! Dr. Forrester: The children love vitamin shapes, like, shaped like cartoons. Whimsical shapes! Whimsical shapes, and wouldn't it be hard for all those Flintstone kids if their favorite vitamin came... turn, Frank... [Frank turns, revealing a life-size Fred Flintsone vitamin] Dr. Forrester: ... life-size, hmm, hmm? Ball's in your court, Joel! [after Joel gives a horrible invention exchange. TV's Frank is crying in the background] I think you die, Joel! Heh-heh-heh... Well, your experiment this week is going to be hard to keep down. It's called The Unearthly and it stars John Carradine and Tor Johnson, plus two stinky shorts. [shouts] Dr. Forrester: Frank, shut up! [Frank cries louder in defiance] Dr. Forrester: Enjoy! Hmmmm. Qualified. Qualified? Hmmmm. Wow, what a question! Me, Crow T. Robot, what do I think? Am I qualified? Wow! That's a heavy burden. How can I make a difference? CAN I make a difference? Oh surely, I'm but a single bot, alone, as it were, in the vast universe thing. Maybe I can change the world. [more positive] Crow T. Robot: Perhaps I've looked at life from upside down. Hmmmm. Hey Cambot! Move it in a little and, uh, cue that uh moody music. Well, what would Joel do in a situation like this? No, no, nope nope, no, uh. I've got to learn to think for myself. To stand on my own two foot-like apendages. Seize the day. Yes. Think globally, act locally. Yes, by god, I can do it! Why, I could start a letter-writing campaign, yeah, that would help. And, uh, I could organize a bake sale. Or, uh, hey! We could ALL help! Come on friends, run to your window and shout, "I'm really cheesed and I'm not gonna hang around 'till this thing gets better!" Uh, why organize a, uh, improv group and do gorilla theatre at the food court in your mall. Dress a little differently. Make it more exciting for you and your spouse. Or here's an idea: toss a little cajun spice into the party mix and watch the fun. Put on a one-man show and talk about your true inner feelings in an emotionally-charged, gut-wrenching, autobiographical account of your warped adolesence, and then watch the grant money come in. Whoooo! But don't snap judge me. And then, watch that - uh, uh, I know! Put a drop of vanilla behind each ear and youĂŚll smell like a cookie all day! [Getting more excited] Crow T. Robot: Or, eat an apple: nature's toothbrush. Ask Mr. Owl how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie center. Have you met everyone on your block? Now would be a nice time to start, doncha think? Hmmmm. In a classroom, slide your desks together and create an ecology symbol. Police the lives of those around you and get your sensibilities way the heck outta whack! Parade up and down the street in your underwear. Impose your ideas on others! It's easy! Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look. You decide. You do it! [Agitated] Crow T. Robot: I'm sick of this! I can't make a decision! I'm no good at this sort of thing! [Quietly] Crow T. Robot: It's up to you. I'm passin' the buck to you. Now I've got commercial sign. [as Dr. Smith] Crow T. Robot: Oh, the pain. The pain. Tom Servo: Could this be my Yoda-like mentor? Let's do this thing. Tom Servo: What? Here? Now? I mean, I want to do it, but WOW! YEAH! WHY AM I CHEERING, I DON'T KNOW, BUT YEAH! I'm gonna Willem Dafoe all over you! | |
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