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Quotes of Movie: "M*A*S*H" [1972]
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Col. Potter: Well, boys, it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together. You boys always managed to give me a good laugh, right when I needed it most. Never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.R. 'Course I had to pretend I was mad at you but, inside... [emotionally] Col. Potter: I was laughin' to beat all Hell. Hawkeye: Yeah. I'm laughing just thinking about it. B.J.: I love a good laugh like this. Why does everyone take an instant dislike to me? Trapper: It saves time, Frank. 'Tis better to have loved and lost, then to never... oh, give me a drink. Col. Potter: Someone dropped a bomb on her building from an airplane. Bomber Pilot: Who did it? Hawkeye: He just dropped it. He didn't autograph it. Bomber Pilot: Was it one of theirs or one of ours? Hawkeye: What difference does it make? Bomber Pilot: A lot. It makes a lot of difference. Col. Potter: Not to her. | |
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Col. Potter: By the way, what war is this? Hawkeye: The latest war to end all wars. It's nice to be nice... to the nice. Winchester, you are a dirty stinker! Charles: Put that ba... What? B.J.: Don't listen to him, Charles. Nobody takes the word of a priest. Father Mulcahy: I've been doing a little investigating and I've discovered that this belongs to you! [gives collection ledger back to Charles] Charles: Ah, the charity ledger. Well, it did belong to me, Father, but it's long since passed from my hands. Father Mulcahy: Well, it's back! Major, it is a very low and unscrupulous person who abdicates the opportunity to do good work for his fellow man. Tell me, are you such a person? Charles: Certainly not. Every Christmas I give $2 to the postman. Father Mulcahy: My, my, you certainly give till it hurts. Hawkeye: Well, what do you expect, Father? He's the kind of person who would give a drowning man a glass of water. Father Mulcahy: All right then, Winchester, this is what it comes down to: this job has been passed on to me, and I'm not going to do it. So when General Crenshaw gets this empty ledger back, he's not going to feel so charitable. Not to mention Colonel Potter. And the man they are going to hang is the man whose name is on the assignment sheet. And guess who that is? You'll be busted so low you'll be saying, "Yes, sir," to Klinger! [storms out] Charles: [forlorn] Gentlemen... Have you ever considered that there are people less fortunate than yourselves? People who need your financial assistance? People... such as me? Hawkeye: Shh! [explaining his approach to surgery] I do one thing, I do it very well, and then I move on. [guarding a wounded POW] One wrong move and it's curtains. Get the message, Mr. Moto? Yeah, I thought so. You know plenty English. Okay, friend, I'm not a talking man. Next time I talk, this [his loaded rifle] Frank Burns: talks for me. No questions asked. Curtains. Get the message, pal'o mine? I don't chew my cabbage twice. One wrong move and you'll find that out. I react [whips around] Frank Burns: Zing! That's a big kiss-off. Capice? I tend to, uh, shoot first and ask questions later. Little habit I have. But you'll find out fast if you get cute. We straight on that? [gets out walkie talkie] Frank Burns: Any allied personnel. Any allied personnel. I have begun to take prisoners. Request instructions re: prisoners or will be forced to shoot same. Over and out. I think you get the picture right, Amigo? [the POW has fallen asleep] They're hunting socks, sir. Henry Blake: At this hour? When I was wandering around here, I didn't find no enemies so I figure we're safe so long as we can get out of here. Hawkeye: Speaking of which, enemy-wise, has anyone seen our prisoner? Frank Burns: There he is! *Sabotage*! He's tinkering with our parts! [the POW is trying to fix the bus] Frank Burns: Get away from there! B.J.: Easy, Frank, easy! He's wounded, remember? Frank Burns: Oh, wounded, sure! That's how we lost China! B.J.: By fixing a bus? [the wrench Frank is holding is pointed towards B.J] B.J.: Careful, that could be loaded. All right, all right, that settles it. We've finally run out of food, water... [looks at Frank Burns] Col. Potter: and brains. We gotta get out of here, which means walking. So... we walk. [the bus engine starts] B.J.: I wish I knew how to say thanks. [they all pile into the bus] Col. Potter: [to the POW who fixed the bus] Mighty grateful for this, old man. Frank Burns: Get out of my seat, Pierce. Hawkeye: Oh, shut your gob, Frank. Col. Potter: Nick of time. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. May the First Cavalry forgive me. Frank, why don't you let that cut under your nose heal? [Pierce, who was blinded earlier in the episode, calls out] Is there a doctor in the house? Frank Burns: What is it, Pierce? Hawkeye: Oh, Frank, I'm glad you're here - go get a doctor. You walked out on a patient, and Major Winchester had to finish for you. Hawkeye: So? I'd have done the same for him if he were sick. Radar: Well a lot of people don't look at it like you were sick, Hawkeye. A lot of people look up to you here. They admire you and they kinda feel they want to be like you. And... Gee, when you walk out on an operation, you make them feel like you've let them down. If they can't depend on you, well, they figure, well, maybe there's no point in depending on anything. Hawkeye: Look you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? The blood of children. [slams down a pillow] Hawkeye: I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then the hell with it. [stands up; turns around] Hawkeye: How *dare* you! The hell with your Iowa naivete and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear and while you're at it, the hell with *you*. Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder. If possible, without going crazy. Period. [Radar stifles crying] Hawkeye: Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will you? You *ninny*! [exits] As I was saying, sir, I feel I could be more useful in Tokyo or even the states. Col. Potter: Not to me, commissioner. Charles: This meatball surgery of yours is causing my skills to deteriorate. They're wasting away! Col. Potter: Don't change the color of your face! I'm out of umber. Charles: And I'm out of patience! This place is driving me mad! Col. Potter: Cool off, Winchester. Charles: How can I cool off in this God forsaken pest hole. Col. Potter: You're here so get used to it! Charles: You haven't lifted a finger to get me transferred. Col. Potter: That's right and I don't intend to. Charles: I certainly think you ought to consider...! Col. Potter: [shouting] Not again, Major! I've had enough of your beefing! I need you here and you'll stay here like the rest of us! Here, your face is finished. [presents a painted portrait of Charles shouting] [Hawkeye has just lost it with a hospitalized Radar] I just left Radar. Now, Hawkeye, please accept this with the spirit intended. You're under enormous pressure here and I'm... I just want to know one little thing... Have you lost your mind? Hawkeye: Father, you don't know how sorry I am. Father Mulcahy: I mean tha - that boy is lying there in a hospital bed with tubes sticking out of body and you... You call him a ninny? Hawkeye: Father... Father Mulcahy: I'm incensed! I am outraged! Where is your decency, man? Your humanity? I am acrimonious! I am not a man given to physical demonstrations of emotion, but let me tell you, I can be persuaded to violence. Hawkeye: Go ahead, Father. Father Mulcahy: I think I will! [kicks down the stove] B.J.: Glad you let it out, Father? Father Mulcahy: Well as a matter of fact, I found it particularly unsatisfying. If you want to know the truth, it is entirely possible that I have broken my toe! Radar, I'd like to apologize. Radar: Oh, yeah? Well, you can just forget it. Just forget it. Hell with me, huh? The hell with *you*. How about that? And another thing, [gets out of bed] Radar: I wanna tell you something, anybody says anything about Iowa better be prepared to back it up, pal. I'll give you a fist-full of Iowa naivete right in the puss! How about that? You know I don't need you to tell me what's what. I know what's what just as well as you do. So why don't you just crawl back in your bottle of booze and pickle yourself? Ha! What if they ask me where I got hit? Hawkeye: Look them right in the eye and say without blinking, "I got hit in the butt." And if they keep bugging you, drop your pants and show them your scar. Wounded Soldier: [Snort] make me laugh. Hawkeye: Whitney, we're talking about your body. It's been invaded by a bullet and there's nothing amusing about that. Wounded Soldier: Don't I know it. Hawkeye: On the other hand, you should be proud. You have a very special wound - it's symbolic of this entire war. This whole thing has been one giant pain in the butt. When they wanna hand you your purple heart, you can tell them where to pin it. [on the phone, during a sniper attack] Hey, listen, can you speak up a little bit? Somebody's trying to kill me! Funny thing, war: never have so many suffered so much so so few could be so happy. Margaret: We're lucky to be two of the few and not the many. Frank Burns: I know, darling, and I love being both of us. Klinger, you are a gentleman and a lady. [after Frank Burns pats his shoulder] My father touched me that way once. To this day he still has to wear orthopedic shirts. B.J.: He was just as strong as any of us. Hawkeye: I know. That's what scares me. Oh, Frank. You're so above average. | |
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