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Quotes of Movie: "Home Improvement" [1991]
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Tim: A woman? You brought me here to see a woman? Jill: I didn't know she was a woman. My gynecologist just said Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town. Tim: How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in Manland? Jill: "Manland"? Now you got a theme park between your legs? Al: I don't think so, Tim. I think one of these days, you're going to run out of flannel jokes. Tim: I don't think so, Al. Not with my "Complete Flannel Joke Book". [Tim pulls out a heavy dictionary-sized hardcover book labelled "The Complete Flannel Joke Book" from behind a prop and opens it] Tim: "Why did the flannel cross the road? 'Cause Al was over there!" "Oh waiter, there's a fly in my flannel!" "Please... take my flannel!" [Al snatches the book from Tim] Tim: Then there's your handy wallet-sized version! [Tim pulls a tiny hardcover book of the same color out of his pocket] Tim: "How do you keep an idiot wearing flannel in suspense?" [Al snatches the second book] Tim: See you tomorrow! Dad, grandma's on the phone. She wants to talk to you. [Hands Tim the phone] Tim: Thanks. Hi, Lillian. No Jill's not here she's uh, out, you know, buying stuff to nurse her cold. What? Oh, my God that's, that's horrible, Lillian. How did it happen? Oh, how are you doing? Oh boy, this is horrible news. What can I do? Wh-ju-ju. Oh yeah, go ahead and call all them, and Jill will call you as soon as she gets back. O.K. Bye. [Wilson, Heidi and Al come to the fence] Wilson: Tim, what happened? Tim: Jill's dad died. | |
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Tim: Your mom called a little while ago. Jill: Oh no, let me guess. She's mad cuz I wouldn't let her come this weekend. Tim: Honey... Jill: What? Is something wrong? Tim: It's about your dad. Jill: My dad what? Tim: He had a heart attack this morning. [Jill inhales] Tim: He... he... he didn't make it. Ice cold pop for my favorite son. Mark: I'm your favorite son? Tim: Well, you're my last hope. One son looks like a sumo wrestler, the other one's in there putting moves on his mother. Convictions and beliefs. What do they have to do with religion? Tim, are you familiar with the I-Ching? Tim: Sure. The itching, the scratching, the chafing. That's why I switched to boxers, my friend. Wilson: No... No, actually, the I-Ching is the ancient book of Chinese wisdom. You ask a question about your life, and then you toss these coins, and you try to divine the answer from the book. [later] Wilson: You know as Longfellow says, a torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words can bruise the heart of a child. Tim: Do you think I should have a talk with Harry? Wilson: Well, let's see what the I-Ching says. M-m, hm-m hm-m hm-m hm-m hm-mmm-mm. Yes, it says the situation is a microcosm juxtaposed against and created by the macrocosm of the universe. And there my neighbor, you have your answer. [later] Tim: Well, how about some words of wisdom from Longfellow during his itching period. He said, "Don't juckopose anything in a macroscope in this universe." Evander, give me the doughnut. Evander Holyfield: I don't think so, Tim. That's not what you think, is it, Tim? Tim: It's not? Jill: No. Al: What DO you think? Tim: I don't know, ask her. Tim, it is not easy to change one's perception of things, but it can be very healthy. Some people might even say it's a growth experience. Tim: Wilson, how far does this go? How do I really know you are who I think you are? Wilson: Well how do I know you are who I think you are? Tim: How do I know you're the one who said that? Wilson: How do I know you heard what I said? Tim: How do I know you're really here? Wilson: Who else would have the time to come out and listen to this silly conversation? Do you suppose that if this grass were on fire, it'd call Fescue 911? Al: I don't think so, Tim. Do you think they call it Cajun cooking because you cook it in a cage? Tim: I don't think so, Al. What I'm trying to say is that most people think the best way to get rid of a wart is to cut it off, but in actuality that isn't the best solution. See, the wart will reappear because the virus is still below the surface of the skin. Tim: So just putting my two warts in separate rooms isn't going to cure this problem, eh? Wilson: No, Tim. The only way to get rid of a wart is to go below the surface of the oily skin and dig out the root. Tim: I see. Thanks. And Wilson, this is - bar none - the most disgusting conversation we've ever had. Alright, guys. I'm sure there's something we all learned from this. Brad: Yeah, the nose can be broken more than once in a day. There's two different types of pain. Pain and man pain. Mark: What's man pain? Tim: Man pain is when you do something stupid. [On the phone] I just gave her a taste of my Jello, it's not like we both chewed on the same piece of gum. Let me get this straight. Mark gets fewer rules because he's a dork, and I get more rules because Brad's a dork. Does everybody know what time it is? [watching the movie "Patton", with babies Claire and Grac1e on the Colonel's lap] Speaking of powerful, I think one of those babies just dropped a bomb. Nancy: There they are. The Colonel: They were crying, so I decided to calm them down by letting them watch Patton's invasion of North Africa. Nancy: At home we just put them to sleep with old 'Tool Time' tapes. Jill: [looks to the babies] Oh, somebody's stinking up the joint over here. Brad: [accusingly] Randy! [playing tea party; in high voice] Now, what would Her Royal Fridigness like to have? Randy: How about a lobotomy? Tim: Well look who's here. It's the village idiot. [Watching a little TV in an ice shanty] I can't tell whether Gilligan got them off the island or the Pistons are about to score. Wilson, do you think humans are more important than machines? Wilson: Without a doubt. Although, I *am* awfully fond of my waffle maker. Jill: Well could you *please* tell that to the knucklehead I'm married to? Wilson: Oh, he knows. He's had my waffles. Two pretzels are walking down the street. One is assaulted. We'll be right back after a word from Binford Tools. | |
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