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Quotes of Movie: "Have I Got News for You" [1990]
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Never a frown with Gordon Brown. Stephen Fry: Well, why didn't you have an odd number of programmes, you idiot? Don't take it out on me. [pointing to Ian] Gordon Kennedy: I'm not the sperm of the devil, he is. [a large amount of explosives have vanished from an army base in Iraq] A spokesman stated, "We want to make sure we get to the bottom of this." Although, given their previous record in this area, I'm not holding my breath. | |
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Only 2% of people go to church in this country Paul Merton: And they're priests! Archer has issued a strenuious denial - as good as a signed confession, really! I should go on Mastermind, answering questions on the life and times of Jeffery Archer. I'd get more questions right than he would! Do you know how the police refer to victims of crime? Ian Hislop: Customers? Des Lynam: Yes! Ian Hislop: What does that make criminals - clients? I can see you as Zorro! Ian Hislop: Zorro, the gay blade! Des Lynam: I've never been accused of that - yet! Des Lynam: Sod the perfume, if you want inner peace, shoot your brother! [During a discussion on short-sighted dogs receiving spectacles, or doggles] Getting their vision back could be a bit of a shock - "oh, so *that's* what I've been sniffing all this time!" [on Mark Thatcher being implicated in a coup] After Archer was implicated, we thought it couldn't happen to a nicer person. How wrong we were! Ian Hislop: Reading the Bible, checking to find something he's missed. [on Bush and Rumsfeld] They're like an old couple with some holiday brochures. "Where shall we invade next? Cuba looks nice." Yes, Queen Elizabeth I was bald and had wooden teeth and yet somehow managed to remain a virgin. [while Anne Robinson is guest-hosting] [yells out at random points] Paul Merton: Bank! Good evening and welcome to the last programme of the millennium, although as there's a compilation show next week, it's not strictly speaking the last one, but then again strictly speaking it's not the end of the millennium either. Still, who's counting, or indeed watching by now. Revisionist historians now claim that far from being mad, Joan of Arc may have been a victim of food poisoning. Makes sense, I can't tell you the number of times I've eaten a few dodgy prawns and ended up commanding the French army. This is, somebody was planning to make - and have, I think, made - a jacket, a hundred hamsters have gone into this jacket, and animal rights protesters have said this is terrible, and Gieves & Hawkes [pronounced "Geeves"] Paul Merton: I believe are the names of the tailors, Savile Row tailors. David Steel: "Gieves" [pron. "Jeeves"] David Steel: , I think you'll find. Paul Merton: "Gieves"? Is it Gieves? David Steel: Could be. Sounds more likely, doesn't it? Paul Merton: Does it? How's it spelled? Angus Deayton: G-E-I. [sic] Paul Merton: Ah, that's the thing that threw me you see, I was following the letters. Angus Deayton: So Gieves & Hawkes, yes, that's right. And what have they been... Paul Merton: So "Gieves", how do you spell "Gieves"? G-I-E-V-E-S? Angus Deayton: Yeah. Paul Merton: Was there a special day at school where they wrote all these names on a blackboard, because I must have been off sick. So the tailors, they've made a "gacket"... Paul Merton: So Ian wins based on questions about his magazine and people he's met on the train! Ian Hislop: This is the probably worst and worst-drawn film and craze in history, of badly-conceived little monsters that fight each other, and children trade cards and have a fantastic knowledge of a hundred and fifty monsters. They can't remember five countries and their capital cities, but just about every child in the country can tell you that Charmeleon evolves into Charmander and then turns into Machop and then kills someone or other, it's absolute garbage. [flippantly] Ian Hislop: I've got an idea for these medieval history cards that I think are going to be a big hit in the playground. Angus Deayton: You're pretty angry about this, aren't you? Ian Hislop: I'm very, very bored. I've seen the Pokémon movie, which is probably the worst movie ever made on any subject ever. Paul Merton: You haven't seen "Kevin & Perry Go Large", then? Yes, this is the Pokémon phenomenon that has swept the UK. One school in Berkshire has banned Pokémon after instances of bullying to obtain the rarer cards. The bullying has finally stopped however, now that Mr. Hunt the geography teacher has the complete set. I think the quiz element of this show is overrated. Michael Brown: There was something the other day about a dog, I mean I think Paul's probably right... Paul Merton: Well, we can't compete with this level of research! Angus Deayton: It's actually Christine who sings the theme tune herself. Paul Merton: Oh, my God, she doesn't, does she? The poor deluded cow. | |
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