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Quotes of Movie: "Gagtag" [1994]

  • Bob Monkhouse:
    What are we meant to link?



    Jonathan Ross:
    You're meant to link the three clips, Bob. I thought I made that perfectly clear.



    Bob Monkhouse:
    Uhm uhm uhm. It's... it's to close to a full moon for me.

  • Jonathan Ross:
    Friends, Romans, Countrymen


    [buzzer]



    Jonathan Ross:
    Tony?



    Tony Hawks:
    Can you keep the noise down a bit? I'm trying to sleep.

  • Jonathan Ross:
    Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Worthington


    [buzzer]



    Jonathan Ross:
    Tony?



    Tony Hawks:
    And the same goes for you, Mrs Minogue.


    [A cheer is heard from the audience]



    Frank Skinner:
    That is so unfair!

  • Bob Monkhouse:
    Another memory, a blast from the past. Mary had a little lamb, the doctors all cried oh, but when Old McDonald had a farm, Eh I, Eh I, Oh!

  • Jonathan Ross:
    Ray, may I say how good it is to see you making a rare solo apperance.



    Ray Allen:
    Yes, thank you very much. It's nice to have some hands free!



    Lord Charles:
    Get on with it, you silly arse!

  • [Frank has been asked to make up an advert for Euro Disney]



    Frank Skinner:
    M I C, K E Y, M O U S E. Yes, kids, this year Mickey Mouse will be at Euro Disney. And Donald Duck. And Goofy. No one else, really.

  • [Bob was asked to advertise Sellefield]



    Bob Monkhouse:
    We spoke to a long term employee at Sellafield. He was radiant.

  • Jonathan Ross:
    Never work with animals or children


    [buzzer]



    Jonathan Ross:
    Greg?



    Greg Proops:
    Unless you know how to cook them!

  • Jonathan Ross:
    Sticks and stones may break my bones


    [bell]



    Jonathan Ross:
    Frank?



    Frank Skinner:
    Sticks and stones may break my bones, so I won't be going to Millwall this season!

  • Bob Monkhouse:
    Did you know John Wayne Bobbit was in the army? He was separated from his unit. Sorry.

  • Jonathan Ross:
    Mary had a little lamb


    [bell]



    Eddie Large:
    Oh, this is my level. Mary had a little lamb, and the midwife fainted.

  • Bob Monkhouse:
    I wouldn't say my parents hated me, but my father tipped the vicar a fiver to hold me under at the christening.

  • Bob Monkhouse:
    I WOULD say my parents hated me, because my mother never wanted to have me. When I was born she was thirty-eight weeks pregnant, she kept putting it off, putting it off.

  • Frank Skinner:
    I wouldn't say my neighbourhood's rough, but the pub has got a space marked on the car park for ambulances.

  • Eddie Large:
    I wouldn't say my neighbourhood's rough, but the milk float has got a rear gunner.

  • [time-up buzzer sounds]



    Frank Skinner:
    We didn't... we didn't do the classic... The Post Office got held up by a man with a bitten off shotgun.

  • Bob Monkhouse:
    The local paper has a column for forthcoming deaths. How about that?

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