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Quotes of Movie: "French and Saunders" [1987]
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Now, for our story... He Took Me, 700 words? Jennifer: No, too racy. Cut it in half and call it Regrets. No, I'm sorry, Janie. I have to pass on the tiles, but what about It's Flan-tastic? About our ads... are we going to run tampons this week? Dawn: Hmm. Maybe panty pads? Jennifer: Panty pads, yes... after all, there's only one place a tampon's going. George was very sick at the end, you know. Very sick in the end. Stripped of his faculties. One day he asked if I'd help speed the going; put him out of his misery. Dawn: And did you? Jennifer: Had to. Hit him over the head with a shovel, dumped him on the bonfire. | |
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Jennifer: How much you think that cost? Dawn: T-shirt? Three pound fifty, tops. Jennifer: Forty quid. Dawn: No! Jennifer: Forty quid she paid for that, I couldn't believe it. You know how's I know? Dry clean, apparently. Dry clean a t-shirt, I couldn't believe it. I should be dry cleaning her knickers next time. What did the krankies say to you? Jennifer: Fun-dabby-doosie. Dawn: Tsk. I'm sorry. I don't want to eat your skin, Madonna! I'm not a crazy! Dawn: Yeah, she's not even a fan. She hates your work! Both: Madonna! Male or female caucasian... dead... Aged anywhere between... ten and fifty years old... Two small bosoms... huge buttocks... too obscene. Two hands... attached to the arms. There's evidence of bruising to the head, the neck, the botty, the pee-pee. Jennifer: No! No-no-no-no! That's the funniest material I've ever written! Dawn: Yes, well you're just going to have to go back to doing what you do best: writing stuff with both of us in that just isn't that funny! Dr. French: You're just one step away from plain white trash, aren't you Jennifer? Your mother was a biology teacher in Cheshire. You used to sit there on your white pony and you'd dream... of getting all the way... to the B. B. C. Jennifer: Oh whatever will I wear to the party tonight, Mammie? Dawn: [in her normal English accent] I thought you were going to wear this frock. Jennifer: [grabs the dress] Oh fiddle-dee-dee! Dawn: Should I have that dry-cleaned, then? Jennifer: [reverts to her English accent] What? Dawn: The dress? Do you want me to go and drop it at the dry cleaners? Jennifer: Maybe you should just go and beat it on a rock! Dawn: What? Why? Jennifer: Because you're my SLAVE! Oh fiddle-dee-diddle-dee-dee! Do you think that Rhett will ask me to dance tonight at the party? Dawn: I don't know. I'm not paid to think, apparently. [dressed like Mammie from Gone With the Wind] Hello! Just popping in to check and see how you're getting on with your freedom as, you see, I haven't got any. Jennifer: [doing her best to affect a Southern accent] Why aren't you wearing the face paint I gave you? Dawn: I tried it on but it just looked stupid. Jennifer: Well are you at least going to try the accent? Dawn: Oh, I meant to ask you about that. Do you think I should? Jennifer: Well, try it. "How are you doing today?" Dawn: Oh, very well, thank you. I had lunch and... Jennifer: No, SAY it! Dawn: Oh. [attempts a Southern accent and sounds more like a mentally ill person] Dawn: Howarryu durrin? HAH-AH-AR-YER-DORN? Jennifer: Oh, fiddle-dee-diddle-dee-diddle-dee-diddle-dee dee. Bring me some crushed ice and a surrey with a fringe on top! Dawn: Well are YOU going to try the accent? Jennifer: [breaks character angrily] I *AM*! Jennifer: People are going to look at this and they're going to think we're in Texas. Dawn: No, Jennifer, they are not. They are going to see this and see two freezing cold women in the middle of winter in Cornwall. [dressed as death in an Ingmar Bergman film spoof] Can I come in? Jennifer: Well I'll just have to ask my friend. Can Death come in? Dawn: Oh, sure Death, come on in and join the party! With me on the couch today is our financial specialist Dawn French. Hello Dawn! Dawn: Hello! Jennifer: Now Dawn is here today to talk to us about what's going on in the market today. Dawn, tell us a little bit about what we might find in the market today. Dawn: Well, in the market today you'll find apples, bananas, all types of fresh produce and things of that nature. Of course if we're talking about a farmer's type market you'll find all sorts of knick-knacks including those little plastic flowers that dance when you talk to them. of course they're not the Japanese ones, they're the imitation English ones. Jennifer: Right. Actually I was talking about the financial market. Dawn: Oh, the financial market! Well in the financial market right now people are very concerned about... money. Perhaps you could tell us, for instance, what one might be spending if one wereto invest in gold? Dawn: Right, well, for about fifteen pounds you can get a fine thin chain bracelet. For twenty five pounds you can get a necklace and perhaps your initials in some of that curly swirly writing. But I feel duty bound to warn you that if you are looking for something such as a chunky identity bracelet, you may find yourself paying upwards of fifty pounds. Jennifer: Well! A word to the wise, there! A lot of our viewers seem to be having a lot of trouble discerning the difference between a pension scheme and a unit trust. Dawn: Oh yes, I get that one a lot. Now listen, people, I don't know how many times I can explain this to you. The first one is a PENSION SCHEME, and the second is a UNIT TRUST. Jennifer: Well, that clears that up, then. Well, we've almost run out of time, but perhaps we can finish up with a bit of the word on the street? Dawn: Right. The word on the street is... many a muckle makes a muckle. Well, it turns out SHE was the one who I was telling you about earlier who's been having an affair with a porcupine. Sorry, concubine. Listen, I really don't want you to take this personally or think that I'm being cruel or unkind, but you're really just a hideous, talentless bitch with a foul attitude, aren't you? Jennifer: Well, thanks to you AND your mother. Do you know who really has it all? Jeri Hall. She is an international woman, that woman. She's got one leg in Texas and one leg in London, and the whole world in between. You can take the girl out of Bananarama, but you can't take the Bananarama out of the girl. [Appears on screen after a spoof of the music video "Stay" by Shakespeare's Sister] [as Madonna, to the tune of "Me Against the Music"] Hey Britney, did you see what I can do with this pole? Come over here, I got somethin' to show ya... Dawn: [as Britney Spears] You can do this on your own, I'm goin' home, I gotta drone... | |
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