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Quotes of Movie: "Family Ties" [1982]

  • Alex P. Keaton:
    Hey, I don't mind if I toot my own horn. Toot, toot!

  • Mallory Keaton:
    [panic-stricken] The light bulb is out in my bedroom! What are we going to do?

  • Andrew Keaton:
    Alex is reading me "Robin Hood," where he robs from the poor and gives to the rich.



    Steven Keaton:
    That's not Robin Hood, that's Ronald Reagan.

  • [Alex has turned the house into a hotel to pay for car damage while parents were away]



    Alex P. Keaton:
    I can explain everything!



    Steven Keaton:
    Oh can you? Can you explain the valet parking in the drive way?... The flashing vacancy sign... in front of the house? The billboard on Route 41?

  • Mallory Keaton:
    Mom, I need to reevaluate my life. Do you have a minute?

  • Alex P. Keaton:
    [Referring to a current infatuation] Of all the Basic Applied Economic Principles of Capitalism in the Post-Industrial Era Seminars in the world, you had to walk into mine.

  • Alex P. Keaton:
    Mallory, someone stupid called... sometime today... about something trivial.



    Mallory Keaton:
    Alex you know that could be any one of my friends.

  • Alex P. Keaton:
    People who have money don't need people.

  • [about his new boss, Rebecca Ryan]



    Alex P. Keaton:
    Face it, Keaton. She wants you.

  • [Steven's reaction to Alex turning their house into a hotel]



    Steven:
    Alex, parents are conditioned to put up with a few minor accidents when they leave their children home alone. A broken vase, spilt milk on the rug... There was a kangaroo... in my living room.



    Alex P. Keaton:
    ...He was just here for the party dad.



    Steven:
    Then I guess I'm overreacting.

  • Elyse Keaton:
    Alex was offended by our political magazines and ripped them up.



    Alex P. Keaton:
    You have no proof.



    Elyse Keaton:
    Yes we do. We found your rattle on the floor next to the evidence.



    Alex P. Keaton:
    It could have Mallory's.



    Elyse Keaton:
    It was your Nixon rattle.

  • Shrink:
    How do you know about Grant College?



    Alex P. Keaton:
    My sister Mallory goes there.


    [scoffs]



    Alex P. Keaton:
    Grant College, the school that offers a course in the opening of an umbrella.



    Shrink:
    I got an "A" in that course.

  • Steven Keaton:
    I can't wait to try this Pasta Alex, Alex.


    [Speaks with womanly voice]



    Alex P. Keaton:
    I love a man with a healthy appetite.

  • Alex P. Keaton:
    It's just like taking candy from a baby.



    Jennifer:
    Brings back memories.

  • Alex P. Keaton:
    Remember when we were kids and I run you over with my bicycle?



    Erwin 'Skippy' Handleman:
    Yes.



    Alex P. Keaton:
    I have a car now.

  • Mallory Keaton:
    Dad, Alex, this is Jamie Carter.



    Alex P. Keaton:
    Aaaaah!


    [jumps into his father's arms]



    Steven Keaton:
    It's okay, Alex. She said Jamie, not Jimmy.

  • [Uncle Ned is an alcoholic]



    Alex P. Keaton:
    You just drank a whole bottle of vanilla extract.



    Ned Donnelly:
    I'm sorry; did you want some?

  • Alex P. Keaton:
    Come on dad, do you plan to be mad at us forever?



    Steven Keaton:
    ...that is my plan.

  • Alex P. Keaton:
    [after Nick makes Andy a dream hat, to help him go to sleep] I had not idea Nick could be so... useful.

  • Elyse Keaton:
    Don't you remember? We said we were going to be creative this year and make gifts instead of spending a lot of money Christmas shopping.



    Steven Keaton:
    Well, I know we said it, I just didn't know we meant it.

  • [drunken Ned throws newspaper clipping in the fireplace]



    Alex P. Keaton:
    Hey, don't do that. Here give me those.



    Ned Donnelly:
    Leave me alone!



    Alex P. Keaton:
    Give me those!



    Ned Donnelly:
    [screaming] LEAVE ME ALONE!


    [slaps Alex]



    Steven Keaton:
    What the hell are you doing?



    Ned Donnelly:
    I don't know. I don't know. I'm sorry. Sorry, Alex.


    [Ned cries]



    Steven Keaton:
    [quietly, but furious] All right, Ned. That's it. It's over. Right now, either you get some help... or you get the hell outta my house.

  • Andrew Keaton:
    Alex is King!

  • Alex P. Keaton:
    [Mallory scored higher than Alex on an IQ test] I want you, Mallory! I want you! I can take you with one brain tied behind my back!

  • Nick Moore:
    We can walk on coals / Have ninjas fight us / Just don't get gingivitis.



    Steven Keaton:
    [later as he's sleeping] We can walk on coals / Have ninjas fight us/ Just don't get gingivitis.


    [wakes up]



    Steven Keaton:
    Elyse, I had a nightmare. I dreamed I was Nick.

  • Mallory Keaton:
    I shop, therefore I am.

    • Movie: "Family Ties" [1982]
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  • I was shocked. John Nicks was ... so mean, but he's so funny. I just didn't think he was going to take that role. (Kurt Browning)