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Quotes of Movie: "According to Jim" [2001]

  • Cheryl:
    [on Jim's behavior] He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass.

  • Cheryl:
    Jim, are you listening to yourself?



    Jim:
    Yes I am, Cheryl. I *am* a genius. I can talk and listen to myself at the same time!

  • Jim:
    Do you want Cheryl to make you a sandwich?



    Dana:
    I don't think that'll help, Jim.



    Jim:
    [pause] Do you want to make *me* a sandwich...?

  • Dana:
    [to Cheryl] You're cake angry. You didn't sound cake angry on the phone.

  • Dana:
    [to Cheryl] If your gonna cry for anyone, cry for me. I'm the one who's gonna have to babysit a fourth kid for free one day.

  • Gracie:
    Trophies are stupid and all the others are nerds. It's like being with 50 other Uncle Andys.

  • Jim:
    OK, I stucked the cat in the freezer.

  • Andy:
    [telling Jim that he's found the bird they didn't want to find] Jim! B-I-R-D A-T S-I-X O-'-C-L-O-C-K!



    Jim:
    [confused] ... You want to have sex with a clock?

  • Dana:
    [trying to distract their mother] Mom, I, uh... I kissed a girl in college!



    Andy:
    Uh... me too!



    Maggie:
    Andy, don't tell stories.

  • Jim:
    Everyone, circumcise your watches!

  • Cheryl:
    [Cheryl is desperate to talk Jim out of wanting something, and is trying to think of things to replace it] How about... sex with another woman?



    Jim:
    [brief pause] You or me?

  • Jim:
    [under his breath] That's the great thing about you, honey... you remember every freakin' thing I say.

  • Jim:
    You don't even know me any more! I think we should have more sex.



    Cheryl:
    Why?



    Jim:
    Why not?

  • Ruby:
    Daddy, since Gracie won, can Kyle and I have popsicles?



    Jim:
    How does that work?



    Ruby:
    She's our sister, we're part of her posse.

  • Kyle:
    I want a sponge bath, from a nurse.



    Cheryl:
    What?



    Kyle:
    Uncle Andy says there the best!



    Jim:
    I think sometimes Andy forgets that Kyle's in the back seat.

  • Dana:
    [whilst dancing with Andy] Wow, Andy, it's like someone connected your legs to your brain.

  • Cheryl:
    Jim, there's a lot of culture in this city. We should take advantage of it.



    Jim:
    What? I take you to the zoo.

  • Andy:
    I once walked in on my grandparents doing it. I mean, Grandpa's in his 70's, but he was really putting Nana through her paces.

  • Gracie:
    How do you knock someone up?



    Cheryl:
    Well, you know how you knock someone down. Well, it's the opposite of that.



    Gracie:
    [to Ruby] Hey, let's go knock Kyle up!

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