Mitch Hedberg quotes Born: 02/24/1968 Died: 03/29/2005 Country: usa

• A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. (Mitch Hedberg)
• A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. (Mitch Hedberg)
• All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. (Mitch Hedberg)
• An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. (Mitch Hedberg)
• Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. (Mitch Hedberg)
• Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. (Mitch Hedberg)
• Dogs are forever in the push up postion. (Mitch Hedberg)
• Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! (Mitch Hedberg)
• Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' (Mitch Hedberg)
• Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. (Mitch Hedberg)
• I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. (Mitch Hedberg)

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