George Carlin quotes was an American stand-up comedian, social critic, actor and author, who won five Grammy Awards for his comedy albums. Born: 05/12/1937 Died: 06/22/2008 Country: usa

• May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.- (George Carlin) [evil]
• Always do whatever's next. (George Carlin)
• At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. (George Carlin)
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization. (George Carlin)
• By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. (George Carlin)
• Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. (George Carlin)
• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. (George Carlin)
• Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. (George Carlin)
• Electricity is really just organized lightning. (George Carlin)
• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. (George Carlin)
• Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. (George Carlin)
• Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? (George Carlin)
• "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? (George Carlin)
• I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. (George Carlin)
• I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. (George Carlin)
• I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. (George Carlin)
• I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. (George Carlin)
• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. (George Carlin)
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. (George Carlin)
• I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. (George Carlin)
• I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. (George Carlin)
• I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. (George Carlin)
• I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. (George Carlin)
• If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. (George Carlin)
• If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. (George Carlin)
• If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. (George Carlin)
• In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. (George Carlin)
• Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. (George Carlin)
• Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. (George Carlin)
• May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. (George Carlin)
• Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. (George Carlin)

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