 |
|
|
|
Sylvester Marcus: Mama, who's with you? Where are you talking to me... Where are you?
Mrs. Marcus: I'm with this truck driver in Peterson's garage in a place called "Plaster City". And will you just *shut up* a minute so I can tell you what happened?
Sylvester Marcus: Now listen to me, Mommy, listen to me close. You stay right there, because I'm coming, Mom. I'm coming to get you.
Mrs. Marcus: Will you SHUT UP AND LISTEN?
Sylvester Marcus: Mama, it's alright. Everything's gonna be alright. Your baby's coming to get ya. I'm coming to get you, Mom. Just sit there. Sit there, relax, take it easy. I'm coming to get you, Mama. Everything is gonna be alright.
[Hangs up]
Lennie Pike: *Well*?
Mrs. Marcus: So he's coming here. And I'm not to worry about a thing, because "everything is going to be alright!"
Mrs. Marcus: [to Emmeline]
Mrs. Marcus: Exactly like your father: a big, stupid, *muscle-headed moron*! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Benjy Benjamin: Now look! We've figured it seventeen different ways, and each time we figured it, it was no good, because no matter how we figured it, somebody don't like the way we figured it! So now, there's only one way to figure it. And that is, every man, including the old bag, for himself!
Ding Bell: So good luck, and may the best man *win*!
Benjy Benjamin: Except you lady: may *you* just *drop dead*!
Lennie Pike: All right, we all agree on that. Now look, let's be sensible about this. There's money in this for all of us. Right? There's enough for you, and there's enough for you, and for you, and there's enough for...
[they all race to their cars] (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Emmeline Finch: Oh Russell, I feel sick.
J. Russell Finch: Now take it easy honey, these things happen ya know.
Mrs. Marcus: Now what kind of an attitude is that, these things happen? They only happen because this whole country is just full of people, who when these things happen, they just say these things happen, and that's why they happen! We gotta have control of what happens to us. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Third Cab Driver: Can't you see I'm talking on the phone? Huh? Give me two minutes! Now listen to me, Sir, I...
[Looks back at Melville]
Melville Crump: Will you take us to Santa Rosita state park?
Third Cab Driver: What's the matter, what happened to you? What was ya, in some kind of initiation?
Melville Crump: We had an accident. We fell into yellow, alright? Hurry up! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
J. Russell Finch: Here,
[pulls a blue bicycle from the mess of furniture that fell out of Pike's van]
J. Russell Finch: take this and go hire us the best car you can find.
Lennie Pike: But... this is a little girl's bike. This is for a little girl. Oh listen, I got to get this stuff back in so I can lock up the van.
J. Russell Finch: We'll put everything away. Will you get going please, will you hurry?
Lennie Pike: Oh okay... I gotta admit. I feel kinda silly. You know what I mean?
[Pedals away on the bicycle] (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
J. Algernon Hawthorne: I must say that if I had the grievous misfortune to be a citizen of this benighted country, I should be the most hesitant of offering any criticism whatever of any other.
J. Russell Finch: Wait a minute, are you knocking this country? Are you saying something against America?
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Against it? I should be positively astounded to hear anything that could be said FOR it. Why the whole bloody place is the most unspeakable matriarchy in the whole history of civilization! Look at yourself! The way your wife and her strumpet of a mother push you through the hoop! As far as I can see, American men have been totally emasculated- they're like slaves! They die like flies from coronary thrombosis while their women sit under hairdryers eating chocolates & arranging for every 2nd Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day! And this infantile preoccupation with bosoms. In all time in this Godforsaken country, the one thing that has appalled me most of all this this prepostrous preoccupation with bosoms. Don't you realize they have become the dominant theme in American culture: in literature, advertising and all fields of entertainment and everything. I'll wager you anything you like that if American women stopped wearing brassieres, your whole national economy would collapse overnight. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Otto Meyer: [Honking car as it pulls into the Ray & Irwin Garage] Fellas. I'm glad you're here. Look, I need your help. Here's what happened. I had this blowout. I think there's a spare in the back. It may be a little flat. Take a look at it will you kid? Is there an airport anyplace around here? Look, if the spare is flat don't bother fixing it. Gimme a new tire, alright? You ain't got a new tire? Then you'll have to fix the spare. But don't look at me. Move it, will you kid? You, you could be gassing up while he's working. What is it a staring contest? Come on!
[claps his hands over and over]
Otto Meyer: Move! Move, will you kid? Come on! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Tyler Fitzgerald: You know what I need? I need a drink. There's some ice and stuff back there. Why don't you make us all some old fashioneds?
Ding Bell: "Old Fashioneds"? Do you think you oughta *drink* while you're *flying*?
Tyler Fitzgerald: Well stop kidding, will ya, and make us some drinks! You just press the button back there marked "booze". It's the *only* way to *fly*! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
J. Russell Finch: Now I give you my word. I wanted to stop you, he wanted to stop for you. But tell him, tell him how my mother in-law made us drive right by you...
Lennie Pike: Listen, anything you got to say about your mother in-law, you don't have to explain to me. You know what I mean? Like if she were the star of a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Mrs. Marcus: Now for the last time. Are we calling Sylvester or not?
J. Russell Finch: No! We are not! And I'll tell you why not. Because your son Sylvester is an irresponsible, unreliable, big loudmouth no good bum! Who if he isn't a crook? It’s because he doesn't have the brains or ambition even to become a crook!
J. Algernon Hawthorne: I say: *Good show*! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: [answering phone] : Hello, Ginger? What's the matter now?
Ginger Culpeper: It's Billie Sue. Her new boyfriend, Oscar, was supposed to come down here from Pamona just to meet us. So now, she called him and told him we were goin' away.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Well, what's the matter?
Ginger Culpeper: You keep forgetting if a girl is six-feet-five inches tall, she's bound to have special problems. They had some argument and then, they started screaming at each other. And now, the whole engagement's off, and she says she's leaving.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Leaving what? Leaving home? Let me talk to her. Get her to the phone.
Ginger Culpeper: I'll try. Just a minute.
[to Billie Sue]
Ginger Culpeper: Talk to your father.
Billie Sue Culpeper: I won't. I don't wanna talk to him ever!
Ginger Culpeper: Don't be ridiculous. Whatever else he is, he is your father. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
| Lennie Pike: [furious] So! So someone will "stumble over the little girl's bicycle in the dark", huh? Well when I'm finished with *you*, they'll be stumbling over *YOU* in the *dark*! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
J. Russell Finch: Lets stop arguing please! The only reason were together is because they only had one car. So lets get there, even if we are last.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Whatever the outcome of the day I shall never forget that you hit me when I wasn't even looking!
J. Russell Finch: [smiling] yeah. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Tower Controller at Rancho Conejo: In another couple of minutes, we'll have them in position, Colonel.
Col. Wilberforce: In another couple of minutes, men, we'll have you in position.
Tower Controller at Rancho Conejo: [Sarcastically] You're doing a great job, Colonel.
Col. Wilberforce: Thank you.
Radio tower operator at Rancho Conejo: Why don't we just shoot them down and be through with it? (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Ding Bell: You see our grandmother lives in Rosita Beach, see, and she's dying and she kinda like to have us be with her when she goes.
Benjy Benjamin: Otherwise she won't go.
[Bell bumps him]
Benjy Benjamin: Uh, she'll go! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
| Lennie Pike: And then they decide I'm supposed to get a smaller share, like I'm someone extra special stupid. Even if it is a democracy, in a democracy it don't matter how stupid you are, you still get an equal share. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Third Cab Driver: They're up to something funny, you hear what I'm telling you? Now, did you see the blonde I brought? All covered with paint and her dressed ripped. Now what was that all about?
Second cab driver: Yeah. And what about the picks and shovels? (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Mrs. Marcus: "No matter what you've all done today, you're really not criminals". Ha! Of all the snooty, patronizing...
[to Pike]
Mrs. Marcus: You're stepping on my foot!
Sylvester Marcus: Would you get off Mama's foot? (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Second cab driver: [they're chasing Capt. Culpeper] He's heading for the boarder. Let's stop and call the police station.
Mrs. Marcus: You shut up! We're gonna get that money. Keep driving!
Second cab driver: That woman is something else. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Dinckler's Hardware Store clerk: I'm sorry, we're closed. It's 12:00.
Melville Crump: It's 12:00, they're closed. WAIT A MINUTE! All we want is a pick and a shovel.
Dinckler's Hardware Store clerk: Well, Mr. Dinckler is inside...
Melville Crump: Dinckler. That's it, we'll get Dinckler, come on. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself for a little shock. When I tell you what happened...
Ginger Culpeper: So, tell me, tell me. I've got this biscuit dough...
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: The Smiler Grogan case is solved!
Ginger Culpeper: The WHAT? Now, what the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: The tuna factory robbery! The case I've been talking about for the last fifteen years! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Otto Meyer: So, what's wrong with your wife?
Miner: That's the trouble, the doc's not sure. He says whatever it is, she's too sick even to be moved. She needs this special stuff and we haven't got a phone so I went to get it and that's when... Slow down, the turning is just up here.
Otto Meyer: Turning? You mean it's off the road?
Miner: Only a mile.
Otto Meyer: Now look, Pal, I'm in a hurry...
Miner: HOLD IT! Stop the car. Now listen, buddy, I'm sorry about your problems. But the doc said to hurry and this is my wife. Now come on, we turn right here.
Otto Meyer: But there isn't even a road...
Miner: LISTEN! Don't force me to get rough!
[Rips the steering wheel ring off]
Miner: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bust up your car.
Otto Meyer: That's alright. You say it's a mile? Heck, a mile ain't asking too much. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Lennie Pike: [Otto Meyer drives by] That's him! That's him! I tell you, when I catch you, I'll *kill you*! I tell you, *I'll kill you*, you dirty *robber*!
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Someone *you* know? (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Benjy Benjamin: [while Benji tries to fly the plane, Ding tries putting head phones on Benji's head] Hey, get outta here.
Ding Bell: Put them on.
Benjy Benjamin: I don't wanna.
Ding Bell: Benji, I tell you, he said the man who's flying should be talking on this thing.
Benjy Benjamin: What, am I supposed to everything? You want me to fly the airplane, you want me to work the radio, what are you gonna... What are you, the hostess? (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Ding Bell: Ah, this is hopeless. We're gonna get *noplace* if we're gonna continue listening to *this* old bag.
Benjy Benjamin: What are you trying to do, lady? You trying to split us up so it becomes every man for *himself*?
Ding Bell: ...And every woman for HIMself?
Mrs. Marcus: One more funny remark from you, buster... (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
J. Algernon Hawthorne: [Russell takes a swing at him and misses] So it's fisticuffs you want, is it? Right, stick 'em up!
J. Russell Finch: Don't hit me! Don't hit me!
[Hawthorne chases him around the car, until the two bump into one another]
J. Algernon Hawthorne: [looks at his arm] Blood!
J. Russell Finch: It certainly is.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Aah!
[Russell swings at him again]
J. Russell Finch: [Hawthorne runs] Come back here, ya blimey...! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Melville Crump: Look, why don't we just start digging for it?
J. Russell Finch: Well suppose someone comes along? What do we tell them?
Monica Crump: Well, we could tell them that we're here on an archeological expedition.
Melville Crump: Aah!
Sylvester Marcus: We don't tell them anything. We tell them to hit the road or we beat their brains in. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Tyler Fitzgerald: Uh... Just a minute. I... I can't see.
Ding Bell: What?
Tyler Fitzgerald: Something's happened to my eyes. I-I-I can't - I can't see.
Ding Bell: You can't see? He can't see.
Benjy Benjamin: Must be an eye cold.
Tyler Fitzgerald: George! George! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
J. Russell Finch: I don't know, I must find my wife. I don't know what to do.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Look, whereEVER they are, surely the most sensible thing for the two of us to do is to press on. I mean for all we know, your brother in-law may be out or away somewhere. And even if he were the first to be there, he still has to find the money, hasn't he? Now I earnestly recommend that we forget your good ladies and press on with all possible dispatch.
J. Russell Finch: [mockingly] Alright, we'll press on with all possible dispatch.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: And I don't really think that personal rancor is going to help the situation. If I may say so. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
[Pike and Sylvester are digging into a hole that suddenly becomes too close]
Sylvester Marcus: Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's not enough room, Man, you're bugging me. You're bugging me.
Lennie Pike: What are you talking about 'bugging'?
Sylvester Marcus: Cut out, cut out.
Lennie Pike: What's this 'cut out' talk?
Sylvester Marcus: Out, baby. Out, baby. Out!
Lennie Pike: Don't call me a baby!
All: Would you just get out? Get on with it! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Mrs. Marcus: Where did you get that funny accent? Are you from Harvard or something?
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Harvard? Rather not. I'm English.
Mrs. Marcus: Sounds so foreign.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Really? (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Air traffic control tower staffer: If you can, give us your position. Who is flying the plane?
Ding Bell: [Benji is at the controls] What do you mean "who's flying the plane"? Nobody's flying the plane! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: You know what I believe I'd like? A chocolate fudge sundae with whipped cream and a cherry on top.
[Everybody stares]
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Nothing will happen here for five minutes.
Secretary Schwartz: Mrs. Culpeper on the phone.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: No calls. No calls. No more calls.
Lt. Matthews: Something's wrong.
Police sergeant: Why? Does something gotta be wrong? He feels like a chocolate fudge sundae. So what? He has a chocolate fudge sundae. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Sylvester Marcus: [Benji and Dingy run by] Who are they?
Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
Sylvester Marcus: From this morning?
Mrs. Marcus: Yes.
Sylvester Marcus: [Captain Culpeper goes by] Who is he?
Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
Sylvester Marcus: [Otto Meyer runs by] Who is he?
Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
Sylvester Marcus: Mama, how many people are mixed up in this thing?
[the two cab drivers run by]
Sylvester Marcus: Who are they? Cabbies? Mama, this thing is like a convention. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Emmeline Finch: I'm only thinking of Russell's condition.
Mrs. Marcus: You mean his financial condition, because that's the only condition that he has.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah but...
Mrs. Marcus: Emmeline, do you know why your husband had a nervous breakdown? It's because he has sunk $40,000, including $15,000 of my money into a company that makes seaweed for people to eat.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah but...
Mrs. Marcus: And not only does nobody like it, but it costs over $4.00 a can.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah but...
Mrs. Marcus: Yeah but WHAT?
J. Russell Finch: Well, most people like it and I like it, and I'm working hard trying to keep the cost down.
Mrs. Marcus: Yeah you were working hard trying to keep the cost down the day that you ran out of your office and stood in the street screaming.
Emmeline Finch: Mother!
Mrs. Marcus: Oh Emmeline, shut up!
[Russell starts to speak]
Mrs. Marcus: And you too! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Melville Crump: The man said there was a certain amount of money buried down in this park.
Lennie Pike: That's right. It was under a big W. Say what is a big W?
Ding Bell: If we find out, we'll send you a wire.
Melville Crump: It's only a possibility now, it's only a possibility that this man was telling the truth. And if it was the truth, then it is a fact that this place is almost 200 miles away. Now I suggest that we quietly get into our cars and drive down there at a safe, sound speed, keeping each other in sight of each other. And then when we get down there, we dig up the money - providing there is some money there. And if we do find it, we share it amongst us in a simple manner. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Melville Crump: Filibuster. Filibuster. Ha. Now you can stick around and watch us take off.
Ding Bell: Listen, Dentist: I *hate* dentists! And I hate *you* so much, that I'm not able to *tell* you how much I hate you, in front of your wife-!
Benjy Benjamin: And visa versa.
Melville Crump: [enraged] Why you... Come on over here!
[Ding and Benji run]
Melville Crump: COME ON over *here*! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Mrs. Marcus: Sylvester!
Sylvester Marcus: Mama!
Mrs. Marcus: Why couldn't you listen? Why couldn't you shut up when I was trying to tell you to listen?
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Have a care, that chap's run absolutely amok! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Otto Meyer: I wish I knew what they were going to do to us. But no matter what happens to us, what happens to *you* I hope will be *worse*!
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: I don't think you have to worry too much about that. My wife is divorcing me, my daughter is applying to the courts to have her name changed, my mother in-law is suing me for damages, my pension has been revoked. And the only reason *you* 10 idiots will very LIKELY get off LIGHTLY, is because the *judge* will have *me* up there to *throw the book at*!
Third Cab Driver: [sarcastically] Oh, that's tough. Oh ho ho ho.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now, there could be something *I* could laugh at... Anything. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Ray: [after hitting Pike unconscious with a pop bottle] Holy mackerel. When he started... Listen, we better get him tied up. What are we gonna do when he comes to?
Irwin: Hit him again.
Ray: Oh I couldn't! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Ding Bell: Hey. It's that hokey dentist.
Benjy Benjamin: Yeah.
Ding Bell: Pass that cab.
Second cab driver: What's the rush?
Ding Bell: What do you mean rush?
Benjy Benjamin: We ain't in any rush, we just wanna get there in a hurry. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
J. Russell Finch: You want me to tell you something? As far as I'm concerned the whole British race is practically finished. If it hadn't been for lend-lease. If we hadn't have kept your whole country afloat by giving you billions that you never even said "Thank you" for, the whole phony outfit would be sunk right under the Atlantic years ago.
[Hawthorne screeches to a stop]
J. Russell Finch: What are you stopping for?
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Get out of this machine.
J. Russell Finch: Get out? You can't...
J. Algernon Hawthorne: It's my machine, I will do as I bloody well please. Out!
J. Russell Finch: I'm awfully sorry. I've been very edgy today and if I said anything about England, I apologize.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Glad to hear you say so. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Tyler Fitzgerald: Anybody can fly plane, now here: I'll check you out. Put your little hands on the wheel there. Now put your feet on the rudder. There. Who says this ol' boy can't fly this ol' plane? Now I'm gonna make us some Old Fashioneds the old-fashioned way - the way dear old Dad used to!
Benjy Benjamin: What if something happens?
Tyler Fitzgerald: What could happen to an Old Fashioned? (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Mrs. Marcus: You're overlooking one little thing.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah, one little thing.
Ding Bell: What little thing?
J. Russell Finch: Yeah, what little thing?
Mrs. Marcus: We can all count, can't we? There were 8 of us there.
J. Russell Finch: She's right. There were 8 of us there. (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Otto Meyer: [turns around to see a helicopter]
[shouts]
Otto Meyer: Look out!
Nervous Motorist: What? Wh-Who...?
Otto Meyer: Don't stop driving man. Keep going!
Nervous Motorist: What? What is it?
[turns around, sees the helicopter and spins back around]
Nervous Motorist: That's a police helicopter!
Otto Meyer: Yeah, that's what it looks like. They always use them.
Nervous Motorist: Who always uses them?
Otto Meyer: Who do you think? (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
Otto Meyer: I haven't got much time, so if you love your country, if you're a patriot, you listen and you listen hard. You've got to get to a phone and you've got to make a call.
Nervous Motorist: I gotta make a call?
Otto Meyer: Yes, you gotta call Intelligence. Central Intelligence Agency, Washington D.C.
Nervous Motorist: Well what on earth...?
Otto Meyer: [shouts] Listen! All right, tell them you heard from X-27, you got it? X-27. X-27 told you to tell them they've made three attempts on my life already today. They had me down a silver mine, they tried to drown me. Can you handle a gun? Okay. Ah! Good. There's a cafe. Pull right in there, you use that phone.
Nervous Motorist: Well, I don't...
Otto Meyer: Will you shut up! You're in no danger. They've never seen you. Now pull in.
[they drive into the parking lot]
Otto Meyer: All right, good, now get in there and tell the operator "Emergency priority" and then ask for the CIA. All right, jump out. Go on, you're not in any danger. They don't know you. You're all right. Look, I'll dock the car and come back for you. For God's sake, man, don't stand there in the street. They'll see you. They'll spot you! Go on. Get out! (Movie: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World [1963]) | |
| Charlie Croker: You've got no imagination. You couldn't decide what to do with all that money, so you had to get what everybody else wanted. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
John Bridger: How are you?
Charlie Croker: [shrugging] I'm fine.
John Bridger: Fine? You know what "fine" stands for, don't you?
Charlie Croker: Unfortnately, yeah.
John Bridger: Freaked out...
Charlie Croker: Insecure...
John Bridger: Neurotic...
Charlie Croker: And Emotional.
John Bridger: You see those pillars over there?
Charlie Croker: [looks behind him and sees the pillars] What about them?
John Bridger: That's where they used to string up thieves who felt fine.
Charlie Croker: After you. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
[Lyle isn't answering Charlie's calls]
Handsome Rob: He only answers to "The Napster" now, Charlie
Charlie Croker: Oh, no. I am not calling you The Napster.
Lyle: Why not? You call him Left Ear.
Left Ear: Well, I am.
Lyle: And him Handsome Rob.
Charlie Croker: Well, that's because he is Handsome Rob! (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
[introducing Stella to his partners]
Charlie Croker: That's Lyle. He's my computer genius. You know he's who really invented Napster? At least that's how Lyle tells it. Said Shawn Fanning was his roommate in college and stole his idea. I think it's his first time riding that bike, though.
Lyle: Hey.
[Lyle falls over]
Charlie Croker: You okay?
Lyle: Yeah.
[a car drives up]
Charlie Croker: That's Left Ear. Demolition and explosives. When he was ten, he put one too many M-80s in the toilet bowl... lost the hearing in his right ear. He's been blowing stuff up ever since.
[a car zooms in from behind Charlie and Stella]
Charlie Croker: Handsome Rob. Premier wheel man. Once drove all the way from Los Angeles just so he could set the record for longest freeway chase. You know he got 110 love letters sent to his jail cell from women who saw him on the news? (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Lyle: And then he's just the media darling... He's on the cover of all the magazines, I should of been on the cover of wired magazine. you know what he said? he said he named it Napster because it was his nickname because of the nappy hair under the hat. But he, It's because I was NAPPING when he STOLE it from me. He didn't even graduate.
Handsome Rob: I think it's time to move on, don't you? They shut him down, I wish they would do the same to you. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Left Ear: This dude got dogs. I don't do dogs... I had a real bad experience, man.
Charlie Croker: What happened?
Left Ear: I had. A bad. Experience. Damn it. "I'm" deaf. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Stella: I don't go out with strange men. I just met you 5 minutes ago.
Steve: What, I'll just have to sabotage my cable till we get to know each other better? (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
| Skinny Pete: If there's one thing I know, it's never to mess with mother nature, mother in-laws and, mother freaking Ukrainians. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Lyle: [Handsome Rob approaches Becky, the cable technician, in the parking lot. Lyle watches, amazed] Are you kidding me? How does he do that? How do you do that? What are you saying?
[Lyle narrates the conversation with alternating Handsome Rob and ditzy female voices]
Lyle: [speaking as Handsome Rob] Hey, how are you?
Lyle: [speaking as Becky] Oh, I'm good!
Lyle: [Handsome Rob] Nice to meet you. I'm Handsome Rob. And you are?
Lyle: [Becky] Oh, my name's Becky, but it's written on my shirt!
Lyle: [Handsome Rob] Listen, I'm gonna need your shirt, and your truck.
Lyle: [Becky] Perfect! I'll give them both to you. Would you like my virginity as well?
Lyle: [Handsome Rob] If it's on the menu.
Lyle: [Becky] Oh, you're so witty! Why don't you take advantage of me?
Lyle: [Handsome Rob] Yeah, you're not too bright, are you?
Lyle: [Becky] No.
Lyle: [Handsome Rob] Perfect. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
John Bridger: You know, Charlie, there are two kinds of thieves in this world: those who steal to enrich their lives, and those who steal to define their lives. Don't be the latter. Makes you miss out on what's really important in this life.
Charlie Croker: What are you talking about, John? You've been a good father.
John Bridger: Sitting in prisons doesn't make you a good father. I spent half my kid's life in prison. Don't get to be my age with nothing but this, Charlie. Find somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with, and hold onto her forever. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Steve: You blew the best thing you had going for you. You blew the element of surprise.
[Charlie punches Steve]
Charlie Croker: Surprised? (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Lyle: [after realizing how much money they have stolen] Woo. Yeah.
[pauses]
Lyle: I got the Holy Spirit... get on it... it's a good train. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Stella: You know this was never about the gold.
Steve: What ever helps you sleep at night sweetheart.
[Stella punches Steve] (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
[about John]
Charlie Croker: Just because he was around me more doesn't mean he wasn't thinking about you.
Stella Bridger: [Sniffling] It would be nice if it were true.
Charlie Croker: It is true. He always regretted not having been a better father to you, Stella.
Stella Bridger: How do you know that?
Charlie Croker: Because he told me. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
John Bridger: I'm sending you something.
Stella Bridger: Does it smell nice?
John Bridger: No. But it's sparkly.
Stella Bridger: [sounding slightly angry] Does it have a receipt? (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Charlie Croker: A police boat can get from the station to our position in seven. That means you've got four minutes to work your magic.
John Bridger: What? You told me ten and you said that I would have five.
Charlie Croker: [slightly panicking] When?
[John smiles and then chuckles]
Charlie Croker: [sighs with relief] Do not be messing with me right now. I will kick your ass. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Lyle: [seeing the name "Becky" on the cable-girl's uniform; specifically on her left breast] Becky, huh? Wonder what she calls the other one...
Handsome Rob: And it's such a mystery why you don't have a girlfriend, Lyle. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Handsome Rob: Come on, Charlie. They were at the same college at the same time.
Charlie Croker: Why are you encouraging this? (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
[timing the getaway to Union Station]
Handsome Rob: It's either bad traffic, peak traffic, slit-your-wrist traffic... you know, five people died from smoking in between traffic lights.
Left Ear: You know, they do have the Metrorail, Rob, you could always use that.
Handsome Rob: Yeah, that'd be ideal for carrying a ton of gold now, wouldn't it, genius?
Charlie Croker: What's your guesstimate?
Handsome Rob: The last twenty times I done this journey, you've got an average of 32 minutes and a top time of 50, but if we had green lights all the way, we could do it in 14 minutes.
Stella: [poking fun] What? Couldn't get through traffic? (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Lyle: You want all greens? 'Cause, ah, 'cause you got 'em.
[chuckles]
Charlie Croker: What have you got?
Lyle: Welcome to L.A.'s Automated Traffic Surveillance and Control Operations Center. See, they use video feeds from intersections and specifically designed algorithms to predict traffic conditions, and thereby control traffic lights. So all I did was come up with my own... kick ass algorithm to sneak in, and now we own the place.
Charlie Croker: You want to do a dry run?
Lyle: [singsong] I thought you'd never ask. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Mashkov: [as Mashkov's men are taking him away, Steve's panicking]
Steve: Look, I'll double whatever Charlie's given you, just don't shoot me!
Mashkov: Shoot you? I'm not going to shoot you. No, I'm going to take you to my workplace. I think you'll be very interested in some of the machinery I use. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Lyle: [about Stella getting into Steve's house and finding the location of the safe by impersonating a Netcom employee] So, you think she can do it?
Handsome Rob: I have my doubts... but there's no telling Charlie
Lyle: [in an accent] What, you theenk he's meexing beesness with plezore?
Handsome Rob: He should know better. Only "I'm" allowed to do that. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Wrench: [upon first seeing Stella] Whoa, whoa whoa! We didn't get a chance to meet! Wrench.
Stella: [slapping a wrapped hoagie into his outstretched hand] Ham and cheese.
Wrench: [everyone laughs] Oh, that's cold. That's really cold. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Stella Bridger: What did you do to your hand?
Charlie Croker: I punched Steve.
Stella Bridger: Well, why do you get to punch him and I don't?
Charlie Croker: Because those hands are way too valuable. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
[as they are dangling from under the road way, after Left Ear's gotten all the explosives in place, and is about to insert the detonater]
Left Ear: Just give me a minute.
Charlie Croker: [impatiently] NOW?
Left Ear: I'm about to insert this detonator tube, and if the brass touches the sides, you and I will be the last people each of us will see.
Charlie Croker: [suddenly looking very nervous] Take all the time you need.
Left Ear: [after a long pause] Hey, Charlie?
Charlie Croker: What?
Left Ear: [pause] I love you, man.
Charlie Croker: I love you too. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Charlie Croker: [playing basketball with Handome Rob when his phone rings] Hello?
Stella: I want to see the look on that man's face when his gold is gone. He took my father from me, I'm taking this.
[hangs up]
Charlie Croker: [to Handsome Rob] She's in. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
Steve: How about dinner?
Stella: You ask your last cable repair guy out to dinner?
Steve: No. But he had a handlebar mustache and weighed like 300 pounds. (Movie: The Italian Job [2003]) | |
| Lyle: Wow, that is a nice car. Sorry Rob. ( |
|
|
